| The Lord of the Parodies By Laurwen Scene 1: Prologue Galadriel: Okay, for all the people who couldn’t be bothered to read the books before the movie came out, here’s the prologue. Sauron made a ring to rule all the other rings. An alliance of men and elves fought against him and a Gondorian king cut the ring from Sauron’s hand. Isildur kept it because he had a fetish for shiny things. After he died, a little hobbit/gnome took the ring and used it as a lure when he went fishing. Then Bilbo came and found the ring and took it back to the Shire. And so, our story begins. Scene 2: Ridiculously beautiful shots of the Shire/ New Zealand Gandalf: (singing) Come out, come out, wherever you are… Frodo: Uh, Gandalf? Wrong movie. (Gandalf blushes) Scene 3: Interior shot of Bag End Gandalf: Well, it sure is great to be back in the Shire. You haven’t aged a day, Bilbo! Bilbo: Hey, neither have you! Gandalf: Yeah, but I’m immortal and you’re short. Bilbo: (obviously fondling ring) would you like something to eat? Some bread or cheese? Gandalf: No thanks, I’m not hungry. Bilbo: Are you sure? I could make some lemonade or hot pockets… Gandalf: No, I’m fine. Bilbo: Pizza? Seed cakes? Frosted flakes? Bacon? Gandalf: (exasperated) No, I don’t want anything! Bilbo: Geez, what a grouch. Scene 4: Bilbo’s party (This is basically the ultimate hobbit kegger. Frodo Irish step dances, Merry and Pippin run around making comic relief mischief, and Sam does “The Worm”) Bilbo: Ahem. Well, I suppose I should make a toast, considering that it’s my 111th birthday. Personally, I prefer my toast buttered, ha! (Crickets) Bilbo: Uh, anyway, I would just like to say: Screw the lot of you. There, I said it. Especially you, Lobelia Sacksville-Baggins, you old trout. Well, I’m going to go now because I don’t know what else to say to you. Frodo: Boy, I wasn’t expecting that. Scene 5: Bag End Gandalf: Well, I was expecting that because I’m an omnipotent Istari. Give Frodo the ring, Bilbo, or else we won’t have a quest for the hero to complete. Bilbo: Heck no! I needs it, it’s my precioussss. Gandalf: What is this fetish for shiny things that you have? First the Arkenstone (winks to audience members who’ve read The Hobbit), then mithril, and now the ring! Bilbo: Finders keepers (sticks out tongue). (Gandalf sighs and takes out a ball of tinfoil.) Gandalf: Fetch (tosses ball out of the window). (Bilbo drops the ring and runs outside.) Gandalf: (chuckles) He falls for it every time… (Frodo dashes inside) Frodo: What the heck happened? I have a ton of drunken Shire folk on my hands asking questions, and I haven’t even told them yet that we’re out of ale. Gandalf: (smoking something suspicious in his pipe and staring bleary eyed into the fire) Riddles in the dark…hee hee! That’s the title of a chapter in The Hobbit! I was in that book! Frodo: Great, he’s stoned again. Gandalf: Oh, by the way, Bilbo left and entrusted you with Bag End and his ring. Frodo: Whoop dee doo, a ring. I had wanted to buy the new Enya c.d. I wonder if Farmer Giles’ Pawn Shop is still open… Gandalf: No, don’t sell it! Frodo: Why not? Gandalf: Um, I have a very good reason. I just can’t tell you what it is right now. I’ll be back to tell you in 40 years or so. In the meantime, keep the ring secret and safe (he buggers off). (Frodo tosses the ring in the bottom of his junk drawer.) Scene 6: Model of Baradur Gollum: Shire! Baggins! Orc Lieutenant: Great, just what we needed to hear. You’re free to go. (The ringwraiths, who bear great resemblance to dementors from Harry Potter, leave Minas Morgul and head towards the Shire. Mr. Knows Everything, a.k.a. Gandalf, rides to the Shire to cut them off.) Scene 7: Bag End Frodo: My, what a lovely day I’ve had. I had a nice pint with Sam down at the pub and now all I need is a good nights’ sleep to make this day perfect. (Gandalf walks in) Gandalf: Hey, Frodo, I’m here to ruin your life. There’s something I need to tell you: Bilbo’s ring is the one ring forged by the dark lord Sauron that will destroy Middle Earth unless you go on a suicidal mission to Mount Doom and destroy it. You got that, Frodo? Frodo? (Frodo stands entranced with his mouth agape and his eyes glazed over) Gandalf: Perhaps that wasn’t a good way to tell him. (Five cups of coffee later) Frodo: So what you’re telling me is that you want me to take the ring to Bree on a treacherous road filled with scary disembodied ringwraiths? Gandalf: Yes, that is correct. Frodo: Pass. Gandalf: You can’t pass! Look, it’s your ring and you have to bear it to Bree. I’ll be waiting for you there unless for some inexplicable reason the guy I’m going to visit turns out to have gone power crazy and beats the crap out of me. That’s not very likely though, is it? Frodo: Fine, I’ll go to Bree, but that’s it. I’m not going to have anything to do with the stupid ring after my mission is completed. Members of the audience who read the book: That’s what youuu think! Gandalf: Hey, what’s that noise? (Finds Sam in the bushes) Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee, have you been eavesdropping? Sam: I haven’t been dropping no eaves sir! I was just listening into your conversation without permission! Gandalf: Oh, that’s okay then. Listen, fatso, I’ve got a job for you. Sam: Do you want me to wash your cart or something? Gandalf: Heavens no! I just want you to go on a dangerous mission with Frodo to the ends of the earth. Sam: (whistles) Whew, and here I thought I was going to be punished! Scene 8: Isengard Gandalf: (dismounting his horse) Hey, Saruman, how are you?! Saruman: Evil, thank you for asking. Gandalf: Oh, then it would probably be a bad idea if I told you the exact location of the ring. Which, incidentally, is 152 Bag End, Hobbiton, P .O. Box 964. Saruman: Smackdown time! (He scratches Gandalf with his extremely long fingernails) Gandalf: Hey, Freddy Kruger, why don’t we stop with the bitch slapping and bring out the big guns?! (Takes out his Flame of Arnor 2059) Saruman: All righty (Takes out his Istari Thunder 2060: Turbo Charged) Gandalf: Damn. (He gets blasted) Scene 9: Cornfields Sam: Mr. Frodo, are we there yet? Frodo: No. Sam: Are we there yet? Frodo: NO! Sam: Are… Frodo: Shut up, Sam! Scarecrow: If I only had a brain! Sam: Hey, Mr. Frodo, was that a car? Frodo: (squints off into the distance) No, it must just be your imagination. (Merry and Pippin head butt Frodo and Sam) Merry: Twenty minutes into the movie and barely a laugh in sight! It’s time for… Pippin: (blows party horn) Comic relief! Sam: Fool of a Took! What’s that you’ve got behind your back? Pippin: (eyes dart back and forth) Nothing…. (Ron Howard crashes through the corn) Ron Howard: (Pointing at Pippin) You! You stole my Oscar! Pippin: Run, guys, run! Sam: I can’t believe you stole Ron Howard’s Oscar! Pippin: Well, he stole it from Peter Jackson! (Sam pushes Pippin off a cliff in disgust) Merry: You idiot, he has all the cabbages! (Jumps off cliff to save his fresh produce) (Sam and Frodo jump off as well) Pippin: Hey guys, look at what I found! Hobbits: Shrooms! Merry: Heh heh, Frodo lives. (Frodo notices leaves blowing and takes this as a sign that the ringwraiths are coming) Frodo: Guys, I think we should get off the road…. Pippin: Whoa, these are, like, grade A shrooms man. Merry: Suddenly I feel like buying a Grateful Dead record. Frodo: Get off the road you stoners! (The hobbits hide behind a tree stump just as a ringwraith rides by Ringwraith: Dude, where’s my precious? * One Ring: Ooo! Over here! Over here! (The ringwraith is about to descend upon the ring when Merry chucks a bag of potatoes at him) Ringwraith: Oh, potatoes! One of my great weaknesses! (Runs to get delicious potatoes) Merry: What a dumbass! Scene 10: The Prancing Pony Frodo: Boy, what a rough night! We’ve been chased by ringwraiths for the past ten hours because the rattling of Sam’s pots and pans kept giving our positions away! Sam: Uh, don’t look now, Frodo, but there’s a creepy ranger in the corner undressing you with his eyes. Frodo: Uh oh, I think I’m having a ringasm. (Pippin decides to have an idiot attack and gives Frodo’s name out to everyone) Sam: Pippin, you are so fricking dumb that you make the drooling Legolas fan girls appear only semi insane. *This quote is in no way referring to the Ashton Kutcher movie “Dude, Where’s My Car.” Aragorn: Its okay guys, I’ll save you. It’s kind of my thing. That and being Mr. Bossy Pants whenever Gandalf’s not around. (Speaking of….) Scene 11: Isengard Gandalf: Oh, my head! What was I drinking last night?! Look, a pretty moth! Get Gwahir to come and save me! Moth: Screw you; I’m going to go get some pollen. Scene 12: Weathertop Pippin: I haven’t put anyone in danger for the past ten minutes! (Pause) Hey ringwraiths, come and get us! Frodo: I’d kill you if you weren’t related to me! Merry: Fortunately, Strider left us swords! Now if we only knew how to use them… Aragorn: Here I come to save the day! Ringwraiths: Ah! Fire! Our other weakness! Frodo: Uh, guys, I don’t mean to be a bother, but I think I’ve been stabbed. Pippin: So what?! I dropped my sword on my foot! Scene 13: Trollshaw (Aragorn emerges from the bushes after relieving himself. Suddenly, a sword presses itself against his neck) Arwen: Hi baby! It’s me, your little love bundle! Want to play she-elf dominatrix? Aragorn: Not now woman! I have a green pus filled hobbit to save! (Arwen pouts with her Steven Tyler lips. It’s not pretty) Aragorn: Aw, honey, don’t be upset! Tell you what: why don’t you take Frodo to Rivendell for me and I’ll meet you there? Arwen: And get pus on my new riding outfit? No thanks! Aragorn: (makes puppy dog eyes at her) Please? Arwen: Oh, all right. Cue angelic music! Scene 14: Flight to the Ford Arwen: Noro lim Asfaloth, noro lim! Asfaloth: I’m going as noro as I can! (Arwen looks in her rearview mirror and notices its label: Ringwraiths in mirror may be closer than they actually appear) Arwen: Uh oh. (She stops riding and turns to face her pursuers) Ringwraith: Give up the Halfling ! (Arwen chants to the waters of Bruinen) Ringwraiths: Ah! Water! Our third and most treacherous weakness! Arwen: Huh. You’d think the most powerful servants of Sauron wouldn’t be dispatched that easily. Frodo: Uh, I think I’m dying. Arwen: Great, now I have to pretend like I actually care! Scene 15: Rivendell Frodo: Wah? Where am I? Gandalf: The House of Elrond. It’s October the 24th, in case you’d like to know. Frodo: Where the heck were you? Gandalf: I hitched a ride on an eagle. Eagle….that sounds like Creakle! He was the character I played in David Copperfield! Elrond: Don’t worry, Frodo, he’s just stoned. (Later) Elrond: So, Gandalf, what should we do with the ring? Gandalf: I could turn it into a flea…a harmless little flea. Then I’d put that flea into a box, then I’d put that box into another box and mail it to myself, and when it arrives…I’ll smash it with a hammer! Elrond: Or, to save on postage, we could just send a fellowship of nine to throw it into Mount Doom. Scene 16: The Council of Elrond Elrond: Mordor. (The camera focuses on Legolas. All of the teenaged girls in the audience have conniptions in their seats.) Gandalf: The ring must be destroyed! Boromir: Gondor rules! Gimli: Elves suck! Legolas: Dwarves suck! Boromir: Everyone sucks but me! Aragorn: Shut up, Bore-o-me! I’m the rightful king to your country anyway! Legolas: What he said! Elrond: Mordor! Gandalf: The ring must be destroyed! Legolas: What he said! Frodo: Guys, I’m having another ringasm! Teenaged girls in the audience: Well, we’re all having an Orligasm! Gimli: I hate elves! Elrond: MORDOR! Everyone: Rabble rabble rabble! Frodo: Guys, chill! I’ll take the ring to Mordor! Anything to get you guys to shut up! Gandalf: I’ll lead you there, Frodo. A suicidal quest is better than lounging around and getting stoned in my book. Legolas: I’ll come too! Elrond: Who else will go? Legolas: (whispered) Not the dwarf, not the dwarf! Gimli: Me! Legolas: Oh damn it! Uh, did I just say that out loud? Aragorn: I’ll go because I have to impress my girlfriend’s father! Boromir: I’ll go, even though I’m the most liable to be corrupted by the ring! Sam: I’m coming because Frodo is my forever friend! Merry and Pippin: We’re going because the movie needs comic relief! Elrond: Very well! You shall be known as operation certain failure! Gandalf: Er, how about The Fellowship of the Ring? It’ll look better on the movie marquee! Scene 17: Moria Gandalf: Okay, I need to say the password in order to enter. Alakazaam! Open Sesame! Lon Chaney! Abracadabra! Frodo: Hey, Gandalf? There’s a key under the door mat. (An embarrassed Gandalf opens the doors) Gimli: So, master elf, you shall now know the hospitality of the dwarves: Roaring fires, malt beer, and meat right off the bone! (Legolas screams) Frodo: Um, there sure are a lot of bodies in here… Gimli: Okay, so it’s a bit of a fixer upper. Merry: Which way do we go now, Gandalf? Gandalf: That way, because the air isn’t so foul down there. When in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose. Merry: Who are you, Toucan Sam? (Later) Aragorn: Ah! We’re being chased! Boromir: By who? I mean, by whom? Gandalf: A demon of the ancient world. Legolas: Not, not… Gandalf: Yes! Trogdor the Burninator! (Trogdor theme music plays) Gandalf: Aragorn, you must lead the fellowship now! Aragorn: Why can’t you do it? Gandalf: Because I’m about to be burninated! Fly, you fools! Pippin: Oh, how sweet! Gandalf still managed to be verbally abusive at the very end! Merry: That’s our Gandalf! Aragorn: Come on, guys, we need to get to Lothlorien before we become toast both in the literal and figurative sense! Scene 18: Lothlorien Aragorn: Humph, there’s nothing for me to kill here. Boromir: I know what you mean! This place gives me the willies! It’s all peaceful and stuff! Galadriel: Frodo, come and look into my mirror! It’s only ten cents a minute to view your past, present, and future! Frodo: Wow, that’s a good deal! Let’s have a look see… Eye of Sauron: Peek-a-boo! Frodo: Ah! Oh man, Galadriel, I don’t think I can do this! You take the ring! Galadriel: No can do. I’m allergic to gold; it makes my skin green. Frodo: Well, I’m allergic to Morgul blades; they make me green and pus filled! Scene 19: Amon Hen Frodo: Aragorn, help! Boromir tried to take the ring from me! Aragorn: Then you must leave the fellowship! It’s the only way for you to be safe, unless a creepy hobbit/gnome betrays you. Legolas: I hate to break up your touching goodbye scene, but we’ve got orcs! Aragorn: Slash! Legolas: Twang! Gimli: Hack hack! Boromir: Baroom! Baroom! Well, I guess no one’s coming to rescue us… Lurtz: Arrowed! Boromir: Ah! My skin! (Orcs capture Merry and Pippin) Aragorn: Here I come to save the day (yet again)! Boromir: I hate to break it to you, but you’re a little too late (dies). (Aragorn cut Lurtz’s arm off) Aragorn: Ah ha! Victory is mine! Lurtz: I’ve had worse! Aragorn: Look, you stupid bastard, your arm’s come off! Lurtz: No it hasn’t! Aragorn: (pointing to a bloody arm lying on the ground) What’s that then? Lurtz: It’s just a flesh wound! Come on you pansy! Have at you! Aragorn: Right! (Cuts off Lurtz’s head) Lurtz’s severed head: All right, we’ll call it a draw! Sam: Frodo, I’m coming with you! Frodo: No Sam! I must go to Mordor alone! Sam: But I promised to never leave you! Besides, I save your life, what, 5 times in the next two movies?! Frodo: Come on then. To be continued…maybe. |