THE TWO TOWERS: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
EXT. NEW ZEALAND
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
If you don’t know who these people are, you
have no business even being in the theater.
FRODO has a flashback of GANDALF’S FALL with SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT CAMERA ANGLES and a DIFFERENT ENDING.
FRODO
Oh, Sam. The Ring is taking me.
RING
Oh, I’m taking you, huh? Who is around whose neck here?
SAM
C’mon, Frodo. Buck up. We need to keep
your adorability up.
FRODO
Thanks, Sam. Don’t get too close to me, though.
The audience will get ideas.
IDIOT ADOLESCENT BOYS BEHIND ME
Heh, heh. Frodo and Sam are GAY.
FRODO AND SAM wait for GOLLUM to catch up so he can lead them to MORDOR and CONTINUOUSLY ANNOY SAM.
EXT. STILL NEW ZEALAND
PIPPIN
We’re still alive. Captured by orcs, but alive.
MERRY is UNCONSCIOUS.
PIPPIN (cont.)
Well, I’m alive, anyway. I better leave a sign
for Aragorn.
SEVERAL MILES AWAY:
ARAGORN
Ah, rock. How I love you.
LEGOLAS
Aragorn, what are you doing?
ARAGORN
Um…nothing. Let’s keep moving.
LEGOLAS
Come, Gimli. Until we get Merry and Pippin back,
you have to be comic relief.
GIMLI
Auch!
GIMLI falls.
ARAGORN
We must provide a segue way so Saruman
can explain the plot and justify the title.
INT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
SARUMAN
Yes, I have joined with Sauron. Now the power of
Mordor will come and make everyone roll their r’s
unnecessarily.
SARUMAN talks for A WHILE, but says VERY LITTLE. Several scenes from the PREVIOUS MOVIE are shown.
SARUMAN (cont.)
So to sum up: I’m going to take over Rohn.
EXT. ROHN (NEW ZEALAND)
SOME CHILDREN escape from a BURNING VILLAGE to provide some SENTIMENTALITY.
EOMER
Theoden, things are going badly, and Saruman is to blame.
THEODEN
I’m sorry; I can’t hear you under these layers
of pancake makeup.
GRIMA WORMTOUNGE
I have the most blatantly evil name ever, and I
look like Severus Snape on crack.
EOMER
I don’t like you. I bet you work for Saruman.
GRIMA
Now, what can I do to make Eomer hate me more?
I know, I’ll look obviously at his sister!
EOMER gets tossed out of ROHN.
EOMER
This is really the extent of my part. I’m kind of useless.
EXT. ALSO NEW ZEALAND
PIPPIN
Merry, do you get the feeling we’re not comic
relief anymore?
MERRY
I know. We may even get character development.
PIPPIN
Hey, are those trees talking?
MERRY
Well, remember when we met Tom Bom…wait,
we didn’t, did we?
ORCS threaten MERRY AND PIPPIN.
RIDERS OF ROHN
Kill everything in sight! Don’t look! Just shoot!
THE NEXT DAY:
LEGOLAS
Red sky in the morning: sailors take warning.
AUDIENCE
Legolas, what the hell are you talking about?
ARAGORN
Hey, Eomer! What’s up?
EOMER
Grr, grr.
LEGOLAS
We lost our friends. Have you seen them?
EOMER
We probably killed them.
GIMLI
But they look nothing like orcs.
EOMER
Yeah, well. It was dark. Have some horses.
ARAGORN & CO. ride out to find MERRY and PIPPIN. It does not LOOK GOOD.
ARAGORN
Wait, I feel a flashback coming on…
EXT. FLASHBACK OF NEW ZEALAND
MERRY and PIPPIN escape. They are followed by an ORC who will obviously DIE.
TREEBEARD
Hoom. I just needed to get that out of the way.
Now I never need to say it again.
TREEBEARD kills the ORC.
ORC
It’s not easy being the expendable minion.
MERRY
Thank goodness we found you, Treebeard. Now
we can get the Ents on our side.
TREEBEARD
I don’t trust you. I’m very angry.
PIPPIN
You’re not supposed to be like this!
TREEBEARD
I’m going to hurt you.
END FLASHBACK
LEGOLAS
Wait…my elf sense is tingling. It’s the
White Wizard.
The WHITE WIZARD defeats ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI very easily.
WHITE WIZARD
You idiots. It’s me, Gandalf.
AUDIENCE THAT HAS NEVER READ THE BOOKS
Oh! I’m so happy! And so stupid!
ARAGORN
But, you’re dead!
GANDALF
I’m also hundreds of years old, but you
never remark on that.
GANDALF shows ANOTHER FLASHBACK.
GANDALF (cont.)
…And that’s how I defeated the Balrog. Are we
all caught up now?
ARAGORN
I think we’ve had all the necessary backstory.
GANDALF
Great. Now, let’s go to Rohn.
EXT. THE DEAD MARSH
SAM
Gollum’s led us to a swamp!
AUDIENCE
Tipped off by all the water, were you, Sam?
GOLLUM
Just follow us and not the lights.
AUDIENCE
What lights? And what’s with the fires? Where
are the R.O.U.S.?
FRODO gets distracted by a SHINY OBJECT.
FRODO
I just can’t keep my head on my shoulders, can I?
FRODO falls into the MARSH and GHOSTS attack him.
AUDIENCE
I will never sleep again.
GOLLUM, oddly enough, saves FRODO.
GOLLUM
Don’t follow the lights! What, am I talking to
myself over here?
FRODO
Well, yes, usually.
THAT NIGHT:
RING
Frodo, do you think I could have a little
space in this relationship?
FRODO
Gollum, you were something like a Hobbit once, right?
GOLLUM
I was a proto-Hobbit; Hobbit 1.0. But focus groups
demanded more cuteness.
FRODO
Gandalf told me your name was Smeagol.
SMEAGOL/GOLLUM
Gandalf told you something?
They get attacked by the DRAGON RIDERS OF MORDOR.
FRODO
Oh, no! The Black Riders are giving me flashbacks
of the other movie! I think we’ve spent more of this movie
in flashbacks than in present time.
SAM
Oh, Frodo. I’ll hold your hand and keep you
from putting on the Ring.
RING
Because there is absolutely no way he could put
me on with his other hand.
INT. ROHN (REALLY NEW ZEALAND)
EOWYN
My brother’s gone, my king’s weak, his son is dead.
GRIMA
Score! Now I can hit on you.
EOWYN
Get away from me, you scary man.
GRIMA
Damn. Now, what do I do with my hands?
EOWYN
Hey, can I get some foreshadowing here?
The FLAG OF ROHN breaks and flies AWAY.
GANDALF ET AL. arrive in ROHN.
HAMA
I am the loyal servant to Theoden. I can tell
right from wrong. I am probably going to die.
GANDALF
I’ve come to remove Theoden’s unnecessary makeup.
SARUMAN
So, I’m just hanging around in Theoden’s body?
Don’t I have better things to do?
GRIMA
And why would you need me?
GANDALF
The power of Christ compels you!
SARUMAN gets EJECTED.
THEODEN
Wow, I’m actually pretty young. So, what’s
been happening?
GRIMA
I…better just be going.
EXT. MORE NEW ZEALAND
GOLLUM
I’m evil.
SMEAGOL
I’m good.
AUDIENCE
You’re the same person!
GOLLUM
This is probably the most amusing moment
in the movie.
SMEAGOL
I don’t want to be evil anymore.
GOLLUM gets EJECTED.
SMEAGOL (cont.)
The guy who was talking to camera one is gone!
He does the HAPPY SMEAGOL MAMBO.
FRODO
You sure are happy, Smeagol.
SAM
He’s just trying to get into your pants, Frodo.
AUDIENCE
Aw, Smeagol is making Sam all jealous.
FRODO gives SAM the EVIL ADORABLE HOBBIT LOOK.
INT. ROHN
EOWYN swings a sword around.
ARAGORN
I see you have had at least one lesson with the
weapons’ coach.
EOWYN
A man who does not instantly treat me like an
object! This is the man for me.
GANDALF
War is coming. We need to fight.
THEODEN
I think it’s better to take my people to a
secure location.
GANDALF
It’s a trap. So, I guess I should leave you.
THEODEN and the PEOPLE OF ROHN walk toward IMPENDING DOOM.
GIMLI
So you see, Eowyn, because we lost the Hobbits,
I had to become the comic relief. So now I say
embarrassing things and fall all the time.
EOWYN
Tell me you are not hitting on me. And speaking of
hitting on people…Aragorn, who is the woman who
gave you the large and incredibly gaudy pendant?
ARAGORN has a FLASHBACK.
ELROND
Aragorn, why are you flashing back to me?
ARWEN
I thought I was the Evenstar. Apparently, it’s the
gaudy pendant, though.
END FLASHBACK
EOWYN
Uh, Aragorn? Are you going to answer my question?
ARAGORN
Don’t bother me; I’m flashing back.
ARAGORN goes to sleep and DREAMS.
ARWEN
Hi, honey! I’m totally glad you decided to wash
up for our dream sequence.
ARAGORN
I love your prom dress.
ARWEN
And I love you.
ARAGORN
Awwwww…I wuv you, too.
AUDIENCE vomits.
EXT. THE BLACK GATE
AUDIENCE
So why are there guards facing Mordor?
FRODO
Oookay…how did Gandalf think we were going to
get into Mordor?
SAM
Frodo, I think I can…
SAM falls, attracting the attention of the SOLDIERS OF AN INDETERMINATE RACE WHO DRESS LIKE SHREDDER.
FRODO
Wow, someone is in danger and it isn’t me.
I better help Sam.
FRODO throws his ELVEN CLOAK over the both of them.
SAM
I’m glad we have this moment alone.
FRODO
This is really not the time.
SOLDIERS OF AN INDETERMINATE RACE
WHO DRESS LIKE SHREDDER
Huh, a rock with a pack. Go figure.
FRODO
Let’s go Sam. There is no possible way the
soldiers could turn around and see us.
SMEAGOL
Are you two done? I know a better way into Mordor.
FRODO
We really don’t have another choice.
SAM
Damn!
EXT. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT’S STILL NEW ZEALAND?
HAMA
Well, everything looks fine…
ORCS ON WARGS attack.
AUDIENCE
The wolves of Isengard, huh? They look like hyenas.
EOWYN
I want to stay and fight!
THEODEN
No, you’re a girl.
LEGOLAS does the WEIRD SWING THING onto the HORSE.
AUDIENCE
…the hell was that?
RIDERS fight ORCS for A WHILE.
GIMLI
Of course, while everyone is dying very
serious deaths, I have to be funny.
ARAGORN gets stuck on a WARG.
WARG
Oh, look. The edge of a cliff.
WARG runs over the CLIFF, dragging ARAGORN.
WARG (cont.)
Wow, I am incredibly dumb.
THEODEN
Oh, no. We have lost a main character.
LEGOLAS
I wouldn’t worry, considering the third movie
is called “The Return of the King.”
INT. FANGORN (NEW ZEALAND, INCIDENTALLY)
MERRY
…And then we met Galadriel…
TREEBEARD
Remind me to talk to her about line stealing.
ELROND
Tell me about it.
PIPPIN
I’m so glad you’re back in character Treebeard.
TREEBEARD
Well, not quite. But that’s not important right now.
Let’s talk with all the Ents.
EXT. HONESTLY, NO COUNTRY HAS THE RIGHT TO BE THIS PRETTY
SAM and GOLLUM compete for FRODO’S attention.
FRODO
Do you hear a fake bird?
SAM
No, but I see giant elephants.
AUDIENCE
Um…wow.
FARAMIR’S MEN attack the SOLDIERS OF AN INDETERMINATE RACE.
SMEAGOL
I’m out of here. I may have been cutified, but
not enough to get preferential treatment.
FARAMIR
If you thought Treebeard was vaguely out of character,
wait till you get a load of me.
EXT. A RIVER IN NEW ZEALAND
ARAGORN is UNCONSCIOUS.
ARWEN
C’mon, honey. Got to get up and save the day
if you want to marry me.
HORSE
C’mon, Wilbur. Time to get up.
ARAGORN
I’m up; I’m up. Geez.
ARWEN
All right! My vaguely psychic powers rock!
ELROND
Arwen, I want you to leave. And, maybe
pick a language and stick with it.
ARWEN
But, Daddy. My boyfriend is totally going to
be king and stuff.
A MYSTERIOUS WIND starts to blow ARWEN’S HAIR around.
ELROND
This time we’re going to flash forward.
ARWEN
So, I don’t become mortal?
ELROND
I’m not too clear on that point.
ARWEN
Oh, Daddy. I’ll do what you ask.
ELROND
I am a manipulative bastard.
GALADRIEL
Hey, why am I here?
ELROND
And what are you doing in my head? Must we
teleconference everything?
INT. A CAVE THAT CAN ONLY BE IN NEW ZEALAND
FARAMIR
Who gave me the personality transplant?
FRODO
We’re on a quest. We had Gandalf and Aragorn
and Boromir…
FARAMIR
Boromir was my brother. He’s dead. Don’t ask how
I know that.
SAM
Can’t I be alone with Frodo for one moment?
FARAMIR
Smeagol is in our Forbidden Pool. We’re going to kill him.
You’ll find we have a lot of arbitrary rules in Gondor.
FRODO
Please don’t. He has an important role in this story.
FARAMIR
Well, all right. But I’m going to pump him
for information.
GOLLUM
I’m back!
FARAMIR
I have somehow divined that the One Ring is involved
from Gollum’s circuitous ramblings.
RING
Frodo, I’ve really enjoyed our time together, but I need
some space. I’d like to see other people.
FRODO panics.
SAM
Faramir, this would be the perfect opportunity to
get back into character.
FARAMIR
I’m taking you to Gondor.
AUDIENCE
What?! What?! What happened to “Not if I found
it on the highway”?
INT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
GRIMA
Theoden might have remembered that I know
just about everything he’ll do.
SARUMAN
Check out my huge CGI army.
GRIMA
Am I crying? Oh no. We’re not going
to make me vaguely sympathetic, are we?
INT. HELM’S DEEP
ARAGORN
I’m still alive. But I don’t know for how much
longer. You should see the CGI army Saruman has.
THEODEN
Well, we’re safe here.
ARAGORN
No, you’re not.
THEODEN
Look, I know that. But, we’re Anglo-Saxons. This
means we have no hope but we’re going to fight as
if we did. Just go along with it.
ARAGORN
We need to arm everyone.
THEODEN
Old men. Young boys. Able-bodied women? Nah.
ARAGORN
Eowyn was talking about the valor of women…
AUDIENCE
I guess she’s the only one who knows that those
without swords can still die on them.
LEGOLAS
There’s no hope.
ARAGORN
We’ve already had this conversation. Let’s just
fight the good fight and trust fate to take care
of the rest.
A troop of ELVES arrive.
ARAGORN (cont.)
See what I mean?
HALDIR
Elrond sent us. I don’t know how, considering
I’m from Lothlorien.
LEGOLAS
Aren’t you guys supposed to be doing other things?
ARAGORN
He’s just here so someone I know will die.
INT. STILL HELM’S DEEP
HALETH, SON OF HAMA
Hey, am I a girl?
HAMA
Am I dead? Or am I the guy with Theoden? It’s so
hard to tell, since all the men of Rohn look alike.
ORCS arrive and start MENACING THE HELL out of everyone.
GIMLI
Is it because I’m small and have an accent?
Is that why I’m funny?
LEGOLAS
I am the only elf ever with a sense of humor.
GIMLI
Do you really think I’m doomed to be comic relief
forever?
LEGOLAS
Say “At least it isn’t raining,” and if it starts
to rain, we’ll know you’re comic relief.
GIMLI
At least it isn’t raining.
It starts to RAIN.
GIMLI (cont.)
Damn.
OLD MAN loses his COOL and shoots an ORC.
ORCS
Well, we were just going to stand here and do our
little dance for awhile longer, but I guess we’ll start
the battle now.
AUDIENCE
You know, he may have shot when he wasn’t supposed
to, but that old man has damn good aim.
FIGHTING goes on for QUITE AWHILE.
THEODEN
This is going pretty well, all things considered.
SUDDENLY, the AN ORC WITH A TORCH starts running toward HELM’S DEEP.
CUE: OLYMPICS THEME
AUDIENCE half expects TOM BROKAW to tell the ORC’S HEART-WARMING TALE OF OVERCOMING TRAGEDY.
OUTER WALL blows up.
THEODEN
Things are less great now.
ORCS stream into HELM’S DEEP.
ARAGORN
Okay, no one shoot me!
More FIGTING. LEGOLAS invents skateboarding.
THEODEN
I need someone to protect the gate. Aragorn, will you go
and take the comic relief with you?
ARAGORN
As we are main characters, we are best suited to taking on
a situation where we are outnumbered ten to one.
ARAGORN and GIMLI hold the GATE, but things only get WORSE.
THEODEN
We’re losing! Pull back.
HALDIR
Okay, the darkest hour is occurring, so I should die
just about…Now.
ORC kills HALDIR. TIME slows down and everything gets an ECHO.
ARAGORN
Noooooo! My old friend is dying! This is truly
the darkest hour.
EXT. OSGILIATH
FARAMIR
Go tell my father that I’ve completely changed the plot.
FRODO
You shouldn’t have brought me here. The Dragon
Riders of Mordor are coming. You can tell by
the echo my voice has picked up.
WRAITH
Okay, I know the Ring is here somewhere…This
only being able to see shadows thing is damn
inconvenient sometimes.
RING
It’s great to see you guys again. Angmar, is that you?
You all dress alike. You should get nametags or something.
INT. FANGORN (TREES OF NEW ZEALAND UNITE)
TREEBEARD
The Ents have decided not to do anything.
MERRY gives TREEBEARD the EVIL ADORABLE HOBBIT LOOK.
MERRY
This is not the way the plot is supposed to go!
PIPPIN
Why don’t we walk near Isengard? Ha! I’m so clever.
TREEBEARD
Look at all the destruction Saruman has wrought!
I knew Saruman no longer cared for nature, and that
there was continuous smoke from Isengard, and that
the orcs were destroying trees, but I never suspected.
PIPPIN
So…what did you think was going on, then?
TREEBEARD
The Ents will join the battle now.
OTHER ENTS
Good thing we were all in the neighborhood. We
walk real slow for creatures with such long legs.
INT. GLITTERING CAVES
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Quick! Throw some sparkles on the wall!
THEODEN
This is the end. Time to despair.
ARAGORN
What? You’re Anglo-Saxons. Now is the time you
ride to your deaths.
THEODEN
Right. I’d forgotten that. Let’s go, then.
ARAGORN
Fate will pick up the slack. She always does.
THEODEN gives an INSPIRING SPEECH to no one in particular.
THEODEN and ARAGORN ride out and kill as many ORCS as possible before they are killed.
GANDALF
Hi, everyone! I’m back. And I brought Eomer
and 2,000 more men.
AUDIENCE
So, now it’s 2,300 to 10,000? Yes, that will tip
the odds in your favor.
IT DOES.
GANDALF
Epic, isn’t it?
EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
TREEBEARD and ENTS destroy ISENGARD.
SOMEWHERE, a model of a DAM is destroyed.
MERRY
Well, this part of the story is back on track.
PIPPIN
I wonder how Frodo’s doing?
INT. OSGILIATH
SAM saves FRODO from the DRAGON RIDER OF MORDOR.
WRAITH
Well, I don’t see anything, so I guess I’ll just
move on. Could have sworn I felt the Ring, though.
RING
Idiots.
FRODO gives SAM the EVIL ADORABLE HOBBIT LOOK.
SAM
Frodo, don’t you love me anymore?
SAM gives an INSPIRING SPEECH as shots of the CAST overcoming their VARIOUS PROBLEMS are shown.
AUDIENCE
Ah, this must be the end of the movie.
FARAMIR
Not quite, but it has convinced me to get back
into character. Frodo, I don’t want the Ring and
you can go.
SOME GUY
Your father will kill you for this.
AUDIENCE
For letting people who haven’t done anything go?
FARAMIR
I told you Gondor had weird rules.
FRODO and SAM leave and have a MOMENT.
AUDIENCE
Will you two just kiss and get it over with?
GOLLUM/SMEAGOL
We’re evil again. Let’s plot for the next movie…
SAURON
I really haven’t done anything all movie. Some villain, huh?
RABID RINGNUTS
The movie does not end here!
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
It does now.
(A/N: Just one more reminder for people who doubt: I DO NOT HATE THIS MOVIE. Just because I make fun of something doesn’t mean I hate it. What’s the point of having something if you can’t laugh at it?)