This is my version of Celebrity Boxing. I’m sure there are a lot of matches we’d all like to see but likely never will. We can always hope that some of these match-ups will really come to pass but in most cases the odds are better for having open elections in Cuba.
We already have Celebrity Deathmatch on MTV and while I love the show, that’s not what this is. I tried to keep things mostly realistic here although you may notice that I get a little carried away at times. I will try to avoid obviously impossible events and match-ups. Therefore, Paul Bunyan will never fight the president of Green Peace because Paul is only a legend, Yassir Arafat will never fight King David because David is dead, and Alec Baldwin will never fight Martin Sheen because they’re really homosexual lovers and therefore would refuse to fight each other. Unlike in the real world, I am not bound to limit myself to only those people who would agree to come on the show. Also take note that if someone dies between the time I write the article and the time you read it, it’s not my problem. Most places would pull an article like that if it involved someone recently deceased but this is The Evil Empire Editorial so don’t count on it. If that offends you then what the Hell are you doing reading ANYTHING written by me? Go read the fucking disclaimer! Perhaps the box your Happy Meal came in would be more suited to your tastes and reading level.
In most cases, there are no published vital statistics for the combatants and they have not even been photographed together to provide perspective, so much of my assessment is based on speculation. Additionally, I have made some conjectures about how individuals would conduct themselves in the ring based on how they conduct themselves in everyday life.
I’m going to be doing one of these for each edition for a while. I realized that I have more material than will reasonably fit into one article. I hope that Celebrity Boxing survives on TV at least until I run out of material but even if it doesn’t, I’ll publish the column anyway. Matches that are time sensitive or involve people who either may not remain in the public spotlight for long or might die soon get pushed to the front of the line. There should be about a half dozen match-ups per edition.
For each match, I’ll give you the combatants and their claim to fame, the grudge, a prize just to make things interesting, in some cases a penalty for the loser, the winner’s name, and a brief synopsis of the fight, not necessarily in that order
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