Brief Summary: Captain Planet Lite: All the moralizing with only half the suckage.
Open on the Super-Grow Fertilizer Factory, where the future is now! Flint and Clean sweep of the EcoWarriors are there listening to the owner of the factory brag about his new super fertilizer made from recycled toxic waste. He also brags about how his super fertilizer will help end world hunger!
Clean Sweep says that if this guy is legit, the EcoWarriors should be behind him 100 percent!
Meanwhile, Cobra Commander is also on the scene in disguise. He kind of looks like Charles Manson, only not quite as stable. “Why should we let you end world hunger, when Cobra can make a fortune causing more of it?”
Cobra Commander radios for someone to prepare the detonation devices while the factory owner explains the process by which toxic waste becomes fertilizer: Toxic Waste Goes In; Fertilizer Comes Out! (One hopes that he’s simplifying this for the press…). Apparently somewhere in this process, the fertilzer becomes safe enough to swim in (which strikes me as interesting, since normal fertilizer isn’t exactly safe to come into contact with).
A BAT enters the room carrying a bomb, which strikes me as not the subtlest way to bomb a factory. Sure enough, the Joes spot the BAT and a fight breaks out. The catwalk that the factory owner was standing on gets destroyed and causes him to fall into the ‘safe’ fertilizer in the holding tank below. As he’s hanging onto the destroyed catwalk, just before he falls, the factory owner looks over and spots Flint. He cries out that he blames Flint for his predicament and then falls into the goop.
Flint moves forward to try and save the factory owner, but Clean Sweep pulls him back, telling him that it’s too dangerous since the factory is currently on fire (which, granted, is dangerous. Chemical fertilizers can be highly explosive, just ask the folks in Oklahoma City).
Clean Sweep and Flint leave the scene, leaving the factory owner to his fate in the midst of explosions and fire and all kinds messy stuff like that.
Note: Before he fell in, the factory owner was a white-haired, jowly faced man of the sort commonly used to denote “Capitalist Baddie” in shows like this. He reminds me of a used car salesman in the way he dresses and his voice sounds like the actor is trying to do a British accent or is simply using a highly affected tone of voice. Either way, it helps make this guy sound like he’s not on the up and up.
We come back from the opening theme song to see Clean Sweep and Flint overlooking the wreckage of the fertilizer factory. Their toxin detectors are going nuts, we learn from their expository dialogue. The factory and the area around it will have to be sealed off for the next thousand years!
They find the remains of the vat that the factory owner fell into as well as the wreckage of the watch he was wearing when he fell in. “There’s no way he could have survived!” we’re told. Which, naturally, means he did survive and that we’ll be seeing him again sometime soon.
But that’s later, for now we get a bit more expository dialogue with a side of 90s style moralizing: “Killing the earth just to make a buck! When will people ever learn?” Clean Sweep says, before telling us that the fertilizer is poison. “Just look at what it did to the corn!”
Side Note: I grew up in a farming community in rural Northern Indiana, surrounded by cornfields. The corn they’re showing in this episode doesn’t look that bad to me. What it does look like is young stalks of corn, ones that haven’t reached their full growth yet. The plants themselves seem pretty healthy looking, though personally I wouldn’t want to eat the ears on them since they’d been subjected to such a huge blast of fertilizer.
Clean Sweep pokes the corn with a science stick and BANG, it explodes! Whoa! Talk about popcorn!
The scene pauses and we hear a voice over of laughter. Pull back to see Clean Sweep and Flint watching themselves on the monitor. Several months have passed since the factory owner fell into the fertilizer and the factory was destroyed. Flint asks Clean Sweep if he’s completed his analysis of the fertilizer yet. Clean Sweep says that he has and that the analysis shows that the fertilizer was “really bad stuff!”
Wow…took you several months to come up with that, huh Clean Sweep?
EcoWarrior Headquarters comes under attack by some guys who are not Cobra! While Flint and Clean Sweep try to get over the surprise of being attacked by the Joeniverse’s second ever terrorist organization, the bad guys fire some goopy stuff onto their base’s satellite dish, knocking out their base’s communications. A footsoldier uses more goop stuff to melt through the doors into the place, but hightails it out of there when Flint and Clean Sweep fire on him.
Special Joe Ability Note: EcoWarrior Flint has the ability to tell toxic waste by smell! WOW!
The leader of this new threat tells his men that he wants the EcoWarriors taken alive!
Cut to Cobra attacking a merchant ship with a big ship-eating ship-thingy. Cobra Commander, in one of those Cobra portable helicopters is telling the crew to evacuate.
As it turns out, Cobra has stolen several ships, which combined, were carrying enough grain to feed all of Europe. Now, if hungry people want to eat, they’re going to have to pay Cobra first! Insert maniacal laughter here.
Cut to Major Altitude who is out flying on a Joe glider. He’s out for some R&R by himself and so his little monologue to himself about how he usually flies his Battle Copter but days like this are Glider weather just really sounds like a plug for the toys. It doesn’t help that the major spots some Cobra fliers out stealing pickups full of veggies and insists on calling them by name. Even when he radios Hawk to tell him about the incident and call for backup he tells Hawk what types of vehicles he should bring along.
Not to say that the Sunbow cartoon didn’t sometimes use the names of toys in their exposition, it’s just that they generally didn’t do it quite so blatantly. The dialogue here reminds me of some of the worst bits from Hama’s run on the Marvel comics.
Hawk and the Joes show up, though don’t ask me if they brought the requested vehicles. I’m not that up on the vehicle toys as I should be. I’m assuming that they probably did though. They manage to chase off Cobra, but one of the trucks gets destroyed in the process, leaving a big mess of smashed tomatoes on the ground.
Somehow, Major Altitude ends up on some sort of ‘smart bomb’ kinda thingy and flies around on it for a bit before finally ditching into the smashed tomatoes. He says that he always expected to end up in the soup, but never thought it’d be tomato. Insert rimshot here.
The Major and Hawk take a couple to talk about the weird things that have been happening lately:
First: The EcoWarrior HQ has been destroyed and Flint and Clean Sweep are missing. Compounding the weirdness is the fact Cobra hasn’t jumped in to take credit for the capture of two Joes and the destruction of a Joe base. Neither have they denied responsibility for the attack. Considering Cobra’s usual track record, this is surprising.
Second: Cobra has been out stealing food: first the grain, then the attempt on the veggies. Why would Cobra be stealing food?
The Major posits the idea that maybe Cobra Commander is going to open a grocery store?
Cut to: “I’ll call them Cobra Marts!” says CC in a voice over on an establishing shot of a Cobra base in a volcano somewhere in the world. Cobra Commander goes on to say that his Cobra Marts will emphasize price gouging and inconvenience….rather like real convenience stores do. They’ll also make Cobra a fortune since they will be the only place anyone can shop because Cobra is going to steal all the food in the world! Maniacal Laugh Goes Here.
One thing CC wants to know though, why do the Joes think Cobra’s responsible for going after the EcoWarriors?
Note: Cobra’s plan is impossible. There’s no way to steal all the world’s food because the world is just too damn big and food is too damn plentiful. Besides that, stealing all the world’s food, while it would cause famine especially in poorer nations, would also cause the entire world to band together for the sole purpose of handing Cobra Commander his scrawny ass on a platter.
Also, and special thanks to my friend Anna for noticing this, Cobra never makes any attempt to steal meat. Sure, they’re taking grain and veggies, but they’re leaving behind all that meat! Cattle, chickens, pigs, not to mention fish are all being ignored. Sure, the vegans are going to be in trouble but us meat-eaters are gonna be in Hog Heaven!
And finally we cut back to Flint and Clean Sweep who are being walked through a junkyard by their masked captor (who I’m just going to start referring to as Cesspool since that’s who he is and it’s just easier). Flint looks about and says something about this being a sign of the Throwaway Society and how this is what happens when you don’t recycle. To which their captor replies that he does indeed recycle! All of the junk around them is just raw material for his new sludge weapon. So take that Flint! No wonder Jaye’s going out with Grid Iron! And Night Creeper Leader! You so stupid!
Cesspool continues to show off the place in best expository villain fashion. But, finally the tour comes to an end and Clean Sweep is taken away while Flint is shown to a cell. Clean Sweep asks what’s going to become of him and Cesspool tells him that he’s going to get to help test the new sludge weapon. Which makes Clean Sweep wish he’d never asked. And makes me hope that Cesspool’s people are better shots than their Cobra counterparts.
Flint gets escorted to his cell and manages to fake out the guards. Which would be cool, except that he does so while giving a longish monologue about how if they kept the air cleaner, they wouldn’t have to wear masks around base. And if they didn’t have locks on their (cell) doors, they wouldn’t be locked in right now. But they do. So they are.
Actually, the reading of the line isn’t so bad and even the line itself isn’t such a terrible thing. It’s rather reminiscent of some of Flint’s really bad lines in the Sunbow series, which is kind of a nice tie-in in a weird, masochistic way.
Outside, Clean Sweep is stuffed into a car and told that he’s going to be in a race for his life. He’s going to be a moving target for those troopers firing the sludge weapon and if he gets free, he’s allowed to go free. IF he can’t get away, he dies. Either way, Cesspool’s folks get a moving target.
Flint jumps into the back of Clean Sweep’s car and they both try to evade Cesspool’s people. It’s during this chase sequence that we learn that one backseat, ripped loose and thrown out the missing back window of a car, can be used to take out three pursuing vehicles. Especially if your pursuers are bunched up close and drive about as well as anyone from East Central Indiana.
Cesspool manages to catch the Joes just as they almost manage to get free. Here he delivers the usual line about “you didn’t expect me not to lie/cheat/double-cross you, did you?”
He then puts their car into a specially modified car crusher. It won’t kill them, it’ll just imprison them in the car and make escape impossible. Bwahahaha!
The sludge that is still on the car manages to destroy the car crusher and sets it on fire. Flint and Clean Sweep manage to escape, but Flint tells Clean Sweep to take a sample of the sludge back to the Joes while he stays to investigate and find out why Cesspool is the way he is. Clean Sweep leaves and Flint surrenders to Cesspool and his men. Cesspool either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care that he’s a Joe short.
Cut back to the rest of the Joes who are guarding a rice patty. They’ve been told that Cobra is going to try and steal the rice so they’re here to protect it. And they do a lousy job of it, since a BAT sneaks in and plants a couple bombs on the levee which are then blown, flooding the rice patties to a ridiculously deep level.
Hawk muses that it seems strange that Cobra would destroy the rice rather than stealing it. Hawk calls for an evac for himself and the water-logged Joes while Cobra begins underwater harvesting of the rice.
Cut to the Cobra volcano base being invaded by Cesspool’s troops. Cesspool’s people, since they aren’t Cobra, can shoot straight so the takeover doesn’t take very long. A few BATs do get gooped and melt under the effects of the highly corrosive sludge.
Cesspool is bringing Flint to Cobra Commander as a present of sorts since he’s trying to become allied to Cobra Commander. Though why is anyone’s guess, since he and his crew seem to be pretty frickin’ competent.
While we’re waiting for Cobra Commander to return, we get a nice little villany rant from Cesspool after Flint asks him some variation on “Why are you doing this?” Cesspool tells Flint that he hates beauty and cleanliness and the human race and how he especially hates Flint! Because Cesspool falsely blames Flint for his ‘creation’. IT’s kind of like how the Joker blames Batman, only Flint really had nothing to do with it since Cobra’s responsible for Cesspool falling into the vat. The worst thing Flint did was not try to save Cesspool, but considering the factory was on fire and they figured Cesspool was a goner already, even that’s somewhat excusable. He then shows Flint (but not us) the ruin of his face and swears that soon everyone will look just like him! Evil Laugh Go Here.
Cobra Commander returns with the rice (though no eggroll). He is very angry upon first meeting Cesspool, which is rather understandable since it’s pretty rude for someone to break into your secret base, bitchslap your people around and be waiting there for you on your return. Even if they do bring one of your enemies as a “Howdy Nice To Meet You” present.
It probably doesn’t help that Cesspool tells CC to put down his ‘puny laser.’ To which, CC replies that “Nothing is more deadly than the power of my lasers!” Feel free to insert your own sniggering and penis compensation jokes here.
Cesspool then demonstrates the power of his sludge, which impresses CC no end. He and Cesspool join forces, though you probably already know they’re both planning on double-crossing each other soon.
It’s also at this point that we get to see Cesspool’s face and, well, it’s bad but it’s not that bad. It’s the same kind of let-down that Snake-eyes’ face was in the original Marvel Comic. Cesspool looks more or less the same, only less jowly and he has an angry, ugly scar across one eye and down the side of his face. The scarred eye kind of bulges a bit, but it looks like he probably still has sight in it. Oh yeah, and he’s got male pattern baldness now.
And oddly enough? Cesspool seems to already have a Cobra symbol on his chest…either he dressed for the occasion or CC gave him one and I missed it.
Commentary: The best thing I can say about this episode is at least it’s not Captain Planet and the Planeteers. It comes close, especially in it’s half-assed approach to environmentalism and it’s moralizing, but at least it doesn’t have those damn kids running around with those stupid ass rings.
Other than that though, this episode makes me want to go out and bury diapers in landfills after clubbing a baby seal to death with a club made from a thousand year old redwood tree and carrying it home in an all Styrofoam container to fix along with my roast spotted owl for dinner before ripping out the catalytic converter in my car.
I’ve mentioned in another review that I have a kind of knee-jerk reaction to heavy-handed moralizing. There’s nothing quite like it for making me want to do the exact polar opposite. Even if I agree with the idea in principle, like preserving the environment, I cannot stand being preached at. Especially preaching that assumes I’m some sort of brainless go-tard incapable of understanding what’s being said unless they talk Slowly and Loudly to me.
Granted, GI Joe was aimed at kids. And the DiC episodes were apparently aimed at very young kids but writing for children does not mean that you should talk down to them. Kids are very good at picking up on that sort of thing and they don’t like it. Especially from entertainment that’s aimed at them.
The Sunbow episodes managed to combine their messages and their storytelling very well. IN most cases, they did it by not mentioning the message in the story itself. Instead, they showed the point they wanted to get across in the characters’ words and deeds. Even the PSAs at the ends of the episodes weren’t as bad as some of the preachy crap you get to see in other kids’ shows of the time. This was especially the case in just about anything done by Filmation, which compounded the sin of the Overtly Blatant Message by having a bit at the end where the characters come out to explain the message to Ralph Wiggum in Springfield, USA who just might not have caught on.
About the best I can say about the moralizing in this episode is at least they don’t spend too much time on it. If you can manage to ignore the occasional line like “Look what they’ve done to the corn!” you should be able to skate through largely unscathed.
The worst thing I can say about this episode: It’s a two parter. Sorry folks, but we’re halfway there…