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| *Note: this entry is basically insignificant, it just shows the frame of my mind shifting a little in terms of the role of these entries and some personal thoughts. It's important to keep in mind that I changed my mind about the role in light of what I had previously written, on this site, that doesn't come till later in my order. There is no need to go ahead and read it now, but I linked to it nonetheless. January 2nd, 2002 (12:50 am, so it could be considered Jan. 1st too) In light of my last entry, it seems the function of these writings has changed. Originally, I wanted a journal. Perhaps the journal would be slightly more philosophical then the norm, but nevertheless, I wanted an average diary. But it seems to me that it has become something far greater than just a journal. This has served for me as a record of my theories, philosophies, ideas, etc. I find that by writing down the issues that have swamped my mind, I can better organize them and make them clearer. I also just find it so refreshing to know that what I have been thinking now exists somewhere else other than my head. Somehow, that makes me feel a lot safer. It has even crossed my mind over the past day that I could really make something special of all of these. Maybe one day I can compile them and form something bigger then this. I have established a simple rule for myself: I am not allowed to go back and change anything from a previous day. If I were to change it, it would defeat the purpose of capturing my inner-most thoughts at that precise moment in my life. I am very excited to spill another one of my theories onto this 'paper'. That I will save for tomorrow (or today???), as it is pretty long and complicated. Mrs. Schurgin wrote to me in a postcard, perhaps a year before she died, that I should keep a journal. She stressed the importance, especially considering my interest in writing, in savoring my thoughts. I always knew she was right. Now I am really doing it. I just hope it amounts to something. I think it has. I am deeply comforted in knowing that I am making this transfer. I always used to think, even as a little kid that it would be so convenient if I could somehow tape-record my thoughts so that I could have them for later on, that way I could analyze them and perfect them until I had formulated exactly what I wanted. That is what this is to me. It's my little tape recorder. But also, it is a validation that my thoughts will have a slight significance or impact on the world. How unfortunate is the person who goes through life, going through the motions. Even if their life was meaningful, even if it was brilliant, when they die, there is nothing remaining of their inner triumphs. It is more then just making a mark on the world, or maybe it's less, depending on how you see it, it is a confirmation that what you personally struggle with has reached beyond the boundaries of your brain. So that is why I am loving this. Me, and the deep shadows and crevices of my mind, now exist for the world, even if no one ever sees this, this is proof of Me. |