Ex-Pat Launches Breakfast Hunger Strike Against McDonald's KYIV - James Lake, a recently arrived American ex-pat, announced today that he is launching a limited hunger strike to protest the lack of a real breakfast menu at McDonald's. Unlike most hunger strikes, James is limiting his fast to breakfast. "Since I am protesting the lack of a breakfast menu - I have decided to skip breakfast until McDonald's comes out with a REAL breakfast menu. And, that doesn't include that McStarter coffee and burger crap, either," began James. When asked what his motivation was for this action, James explained that he was excited when he first saw McDonald's in Ukraine, but that it was time for McDonald's to add breakfast. "Ukraine has plenty of eggs and meat for sausage. Is it so impossible for Mickey Dees to come up with the English muffins necessary for the Egg McMuffin? I was thinking about doing a full-scale hunger strike or a general boycott of McDonald's, but that seemed a little extreme. However I hope that my action will prompt McDonald's into action," he said.

Editorial - Say No To Flying Cars Now that we are firmly within the 21st century, and can see that rapid technological advancement is a fact of life, we at The Kyiv Beet would like to take a stand against flying cars in Ukraine. For one thing, it's hard enough for Ukrainians to drive in two dimensions, let alone three. Plus, the time-honored tradition of picking up people for rides (and hookers) would be all but eliminated without the street to drive on. And what about the militsiya? How could they be expected to shake down drivers on a regular basis if the cars are 100 meters in the air? So we say, let's keep Ukrainian traditions alive because that is what really defines an independent nation and it's culture. International: American Can't Stop Bragging About All The Hookers He Banged in Ukraine BALTIMORE - A recently returned American tourist from Ukraine has reportedly been driving his friends and co-workers crazy with tales of his sexual exploits with Ukrainian prostitutes. Chad Remmings, 37 - a customer service representative at a paper goods distributor - returned to the U.S. after a 2-week trip in Kyiv that was set up by an internet travel company. Chad apparently has not had regular intimacy with a woman since he was dumped by his girlfriend Judy in June 1999, and this may have led to his choice of destination. Rick Stemmings, who occupies the cubicle across from Chad says, "Ever since he got back he won't shut up about all these girls he slept with. I mean, come on, they're hookers. It's not like his good looks and personality got it for him. He comes over to me at the coffee machine and says, 'Dude, this chick Olga, she had this great ass…', and such. I wish he'd just leave me alone already." Others have similar feelings. "He keeps talking about how much hotter the Russian girls are compared to hookers here, and how much cheaper they are over there," said Don Richards, an acquaintance of Chad's. "He doesn't even realize that no one is impressed by getting sex from a hooker. I mean, River Palace this, RestTown that, I feel like I was in Kiev by now. He's such a loser," he said. Apparently the criticism hasn't impacted Chad, who is now planning his next trip to Ukraine. "I heard that Odessa is really cool, maybe I'll go there in the spring? Boy, if I could learn the language and get a job there, I'd never leave," he summated Local: Woman Uses Crosswalk KYIV - A local Ukrainian woman was seen on Tuesday using an officially designated crosswalk on a public street. The incident, which occurred near the intersection of Volodymyrska and Saksaganskoho street at around 5:30 pm, was a surprise for pedestrians and drivers alike. "I'm used to them [pedestrians] running in front of me and standing on the solid double-line waiting half-way to cross, but it just threw me to see a person calmly walking across so close to me," said Oleg Stenko, the driver closest to the incident. According to Ukrainian law, all drivers (except militsiya) must stop at the crosswalk and allow pedestrians to cross. "I was going really fast and I had to slam on the brakes and swerve a little to avoid hitting her, I thought she was nuts." The woman, who asked to remain anonymous, told us that, "I just figured I'd try something new. I heard that those white painted lines were for walking, but I never really believed it. Now, though, I might use them more often." When asked about the danger in using the crosswalks, considering the lack of insurance and reliable health care, she replied, "Well, I trust our drivers to be careful." National: Boy Sues School Over Soviet Tradition of 'Exploitation' NIKOPOL - A Ukrainian boy has taken his school to court for exploiting children after he was made to adhere to the Soviet practice of sweeping schoolyards and cleaning school buildings to instill the work ethic. The boy's father said his son came home dirty and complained about feeling humiliated by teachers who made him clean the schoolyard instead of going to physical education or art classes. A court in Dnipropetrovsk Oblast said it will investigate the unprecedented case and then decide whether to pursue it. The boy also filed a complaint about the school not letting him use the Ukrainian tradition of cheating off your neighbor during tests or bribing your teachers for a good grade, and making him actually study for his exams and papers, thus causing him distress.

Local: Black Guy Undergoes Document Check For No Apparent Reason KYIV - Terrence Jacobs, an African-American on an exchange program to Ukraine, was stopped on Friday to have his documents checked by local police. "I wasn't doing anything wrong, and yet, once again, the militsia decided to check out my documents. The only real reason that I can think of is that I am black," said Terrence. Militsia representatives denied any racial motive for the document check. "We didn't check his documents because he is black. We just wanted to make sure that he wasn't a drug dealer or some sort of hoodlum," elaborated the spokesman. Terrence was a little shaken by the experience, but fortunately his documents were in order, so he suffered only a minor inconvenience National: Generals Plan to Stamp Out Hazing KYIV - The Defense Ministry plans to eliminate hazing in the Army, said Defense Ministry repre-sentative Oleksiy Protsenko. He said steps to stop hazing were systematically being improved, and that from 1995-2002, the number of violations dropped significantly. Looking to get outside technical assistance to help towards this goal, the DefMin has contracted the Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity (Texas A&M chapter) to provide consultations. Brad Stevens, President of SAE, commenting on the assignment, said, "I don't know where the hell the Ukraine is, but I hear the chicks are down wit' it!" Local: Lonely Ex-Pat Bedazzled by Changing Street Names KYIV - Short-term contractor and German citizen, Dietrich Boese, had his evening spoiled because the escort service he called could not find his street. "It is infuriating!" exclaimed Boese. "Why the hell don't these people read the street signs as is the logical thing to do?" Boese returned to his temporary apartment after a few drinks with colleagues last Friday and decided to call one of the escort agencies that advertise in the Kyiv Post. "I only had the best intentions," claimed Boese. "I just wanted a native speaker to practice my Russian." However, the dispatcher could not locate the street where Boese's apartment is located. "I kept repeating 'Nestora Makhna', 'Nestora Makhna', just like it is written on all the street signs," Boese said. "But it was like I was speaking a foreign language. Nobody understood me." In frustration, Boese threw down the phone and settled for a night of Swedish television. Upon consulting with a local colleague, Boese learned that the Soviet name for his street was 'Krassny Kristiyanin'. Few outside of the Rukh party had taken much notice of the new name and street signs. "How the hell can this country reform if they don't know their streets?" proclaimed Boese. The next day, Mr.Boese headed to the escort service office at 31A Leningradskaya to complain. Unable to locate their office building or ask for directions in Russian, a dejected Boese returned home, getting lost twice along the way. Street Poll

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