--->> Bite the Silver Bullet: Making singles websites work for you <<---

Singles websites may seem like the silver bullet of dating--you post information about yourself, and the world of love flocks to your mailbox. But just like any other method of meeting new people, it will only work for you if you put in the required effort.

In 2001, my elder brother and I founded LDS Singles Network with the goal of building a site that would make it easier to bite the silver bullet.

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The blissful dream:

"Finding love as easy as 1-2-3, from the comfort of your own home!" is the promise of online dating sites. "Post a photo, write a little greeting and introduction, and wait for the date requests to come rolling in!" But as the millions of singles who've tried this new method of mixing technology and love have learned, it's not quite that simple.

The dreaded reality:

In the real virtual world, the story usually reads more like this: "Write a little about yourself, maybe post a photo if you can find one and get it onto your computer, and wait. And wait. And forget about it. It doesn't work."

Another version of the story goes like this: "Write a nice greeting and introduction, upload a photograph, send out a few emails, and wait. And wait..."

You're getting the picture. It seems online dating isn't that much different from the older ways of meeting people. The reality is that you never get anywhere if you just sit back and wait. And even when you do take the initiative to send out a few messages, a lot of the time, you're not going to get a response.

The reason why it doesn't work if you don't take any initiative should be clear enough--if everybody's just sitting around waiting and no one's sending messages, there are no messages for everyone to be receiving, right? But why is it so hard to get a response when you do take the initiative? There are a billion possible reasons: The person you emailed changed their email address, and never got your message. They never check their email, so they never got your message. They got married, but didn't delete their online profile. They're in a relationship, and so aren't currently responding to messages. They were going to respond, but your message got buried in their in-box. And sometimes you just have to accept that not everyone who appeals to you is going to find you as interesting.

Finding the blissful reality:

So how do you escape the dreaded reality and find the blissful one? The answers aren't too different online from offline.

  1. Take the initiative and send a message. I know you already did. Do it again.
  2. Take the initiative and get involved in aspects of the site outside of your profile and sending messages. Some sites like LDS Singles Network (for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints only) feature interest groups that organize activities and online chats. Many also have message boards where you can gain visibility by joining discussions.
  3. Don't be quite so picky about whose messages you respond to. Before my wife and I started dating, we hung out five or six days a week purely as friends for four months. It took that long to realize that some of my preconceptions about what I wanted in a spouse were not as important as I'd thought. Did I settle for less than I wanted? No, I realized I was perfectly happy with someone I hadn't expected to feel that way about. The icing on the cake has been all her strengths that I hadn't even thought to look for before.
  4. Don't be too cheap to pay for the service. Most singles sites will let you look around for free, but require a subscription fee when you want to start messaging. The cost of the subscription is usually less than the cost of a single date. If you can get a few dates by paying for a subscription (and taking a little initiative), isn't that worth it, even if just to have a little fun?

Online dating may be the silver bullet for solving our social-life woes, but only if we bite the silver bullet and make the same sorts of efforts as are required in offline social situations.