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In this issue:
Cat's Official Week
Topic 1) The Freshman 15
Topic 2) Adam & Chris's Agenda for World Domination . . .
Topic 3) Song Lyric of the Week
Topic 4) Webpage of the Week
Topic 5) Quote of the Week
Cat's Official Week:
Free T-shirt week. As in, each day, wear a different tee which you happened to get for free.
Topic 1) The Freshman 15:
By Me
15 Lessons I Learned the Hard Way in My First Year of College:
Lesson 1: Check ALL your drawers before you leave for the summer, even the desk drawer.
Lesson 2: Dumb as it may sound, the concept "the privacy of the great outdoors" actually has some truth value.
Lesson 3: Never listen to your mom over your advisor.
Lesson 4: AIM is not only the best form of non face-to-face interaction, but it's also a Godsend.
Lesson 5: Consumer Journalism is a female-dominated major.
Lesson 6: Philosophical babble is overrated. Life should just happen and not be subject to over-analysis.
Lesson 7: If you meet the person you wanna marry, first make sure they swing your way.
Lesson 8: Many college kids (both male and female) are high-strung, superficial, disrespectful, loud, and drunk. Watch your back and keep your distance.
Lesson 9: Hold your breath when you walk by the trash chute.
Lesson 10: Cranium and Twister should make for an interesting game night.
Lesson 11: In the words of the great Mark Twain, "Don't let schooling interfere with your education." Much can be learned without ever attending a class.
Lesson 12: Quoting Pete Seeger, "Any damn fool can get complicated. It takes genius to attain simplicity." Minimalism can be very rewarding, especially at move-out time.
Lesson 13: A few licks of failure won't kill, but they do leave a pretty sour aftertaste. Get used to it, kid.
Lesson 14: Talk to random people. Some may not look that bright, but every person in this world can teach you a unique lesson.
Lesson 15: Relationships with other people are the most important things in life. Once the money runs out, the beauty fades, your "phat ride" becomes passe, and your house burns down, you'll know who your real friends are. They'll be all you've got left.
Topic 2) Adam & Chris's Agenda for World Domination and Catalogue of Random Weirdness (Abridged "Central Gwinnett" edition):
By Chris Rhoton and Adam (last name?)
This is just something that my friend Adam and I came up with to while away Algebra class. Believe it or not, almost every one of the items on this list was inspired by someone at our (as you will see) fantastically ghetto school. The "zero" thing at the bottom is an actual quote from someone in my math class. Any wonder I turned out the way I am? So read on, and don't say I didn't warn you?
Author's note: For making a list like this, some people would define the great authors as "mean" or "rude." We prefer to think of ourselves as divine pessimists, whose honesty is a little more refined.
" Is 'L' a letter or a number?
" We think its time to sterilize the little Chilean village that Mrs. Rodgers came from. And by sterilize, we don't mean disinfect, we mean crisscross with flame
" Explain to the football team that "trying hard" is a bad excuse if total strangers recognize my letter jacket and tell me how bad my school plays football
" Explain to the local rednecks that dressing like John Wayne and walking like you just got off a horse doesn't make you cool enough to drive a truck that big
" Convince a new teacher that I am illiterate
" At next Homecoming, when all those white balloons are released, stand up and scream "Go boys, find the ovum!"
" Profound fact of the day: Only in America can someone be that stupid and live to tell about it
" The next pissed-off person that bitches about "disrespectin'" them gets shipped labeled "cargo" to a third-world country to "humble" them
" If caught misusing school computers, you can:
a. pretend to have a seizure
b. Whip out deformed "anaconda"
c. Start throwing raccoons and run away laughing evilly
d. Whip out a steel-toed boot and start kicking random bystanders
e. Whip out a nasty-looking girlfriend and scare everyone
" Profound fact of the day: There are some damn ugly people that go to this school
" If there is one good thing about going to Central, its gotta be one of these:
a. Hardcore ethnic diversity
b. Tests are easy because they have to be adapted to the 39% of students who can't read or write in English
" Why do all the lunch-ladies carry rakes? To corral small animals
" Mrs. Graeser just wasted an hour of my life, and I want it back
" When crackers fight, one of them always looks kind of OK, but the other always looks like he got dry-humped by a moose
" School councilors are underpaid, overworked pseudo-psychologists that weren't smart enough to get a real job
" Next time you see a freshman, grab his arm and ask him if he wants to go down to the creek and play "Gay Pirates"
" Profound fact of the day: wearing a "Make 7 Up Yours" item is the suburban equivalent to dropping the soap in prison
" Release three greased pigs in school with the numbers 1, 2, and 4 painted on their sides. They'll never find number 3
" Algebra class caused me to lose all faith in human intelligence
" High school literature is kind of like a motorcycle chase: both are possible thanks to idiots, and both are best ended with the antagonist being doused with flame
" How to greet new teachers:
a. "You are horrible"
b. "You make me sad"
c. "You defy all logic"
d. "You will grow old and become a burden not just to society, but also to your loved ones"
e. "If I had a pacemaker, it would be on fire because of you"
" Anyone who would name their son Tris-TANN (Mr. White, Mr. Young's student teacher) probably has balogna sandwiches a'jour
" "What happened to the zero, Mrs. Johnson?"
" Who knew that zero2 equals zero?
" Profound fact of the day: When you're so fat that you get winded just thinking about walking across the room (Darth Graeser), its time to just die, because you are a burden to your loved ones and a drain on the medical industry
" Tornado drills:
a. Screw the "safety" areas. All we need is a shed bolted to the ground
b. Instead of that high-pitched warning squeal, someone yells over the intercom "Get in the damn shed!"
c. While going to our "safety zone" we spend 15 minutes passing heavy glass trophy cases and huge rooms filled with chairs and more glass windows. Where do they put us? In the only hall with bay windows, open on both ends, full of rooms stuffed with computer hardware. Choose your poison: Take your chances in a glass-and-metal shrapnel-filled room until you get smacked by a flying chair, or wait in the hall as you are pistol-whipped by a motherboard.
" Eventually, all the high school fools will be responsible for stupefying the population into a liquid
" Was Archduke Ferdinand of Serbia killed by only one bullet? Who in Eastern Europe would stand there and fire one bullet at a time? All of these people know that a barrage of metal is the only way to solve a problem
" If you can subtract 1 from 2 and get any number other than 1, you have broken all the operative laws of the universe
" New plan: Manifest Destiny in Canada. Anyone who goes there and farms will be given an "Attack Tractor" with 2 front-mounted automatic shotguns for "discouraging" Mounties
" How can a person be so stupid and not re-spawn the stupidity in the form of a cancerous growth?
" Common phrases heard in Algebra class:
a. "I don't get it"
1. What is there for you not to get?
b. "I failed the last test because I didn't get it"
1. No, you failed the last test you're an idiot, the lack of understanding is just a coincidence
" "Wow, steam powered cars would be useful." Yeah, like the first thing we need at the scene of an accident is boiling water everywhere
" Narcotics are hard to come by in Georgia. The poor man's alternative: Glade Plug-Ins and Liquid Plumber
" Create a criminal empire based on the exploitation of stupid people. Call said empire "The Georgia Lottery"
" If you go to Arby's to order a meal, and the guy who comes back with your food is wearing a T-shirt with the poster from "A Clockwork Orange" on it, its probably safer just to turn around and walk away
" Go up to a "pacifist" (or as I like to call them, naïve hypocrites), and punch them square in the face. When they get up all mad, remind them that violence doesn't solve anything.
" How do people say things like "there's no such thing as a good war" or "war doesn't solve anything"? First off, would these people rather that the American Revolution not have happened? Second, of course war solves things, because eventually somebody loses. Looks like someone missed the Logic Train!
" Ever woken up feeling like you fell asleep in front of a microwave? Welcome to my high school, the "best school in America"
" More Algebra complaints:
"But when will we ever use this in the real world?"
First off, it's on the final exam and what you think does not affect that. Second, anyone who asks that probably won't be contributing too much to the "real world" anyway, so just quitcherbitchin
" Physics electricity labs are great. Its like Russian Roulette, but with jumper cables
" How to tell if you are wasting time at school:
a. If the queer girls are in the back of Algebra class giving massages
b. If your peers can't determine if the object in question is a "1" or an "L"
c. If you have to dodge yogurt cups tossed at cars more than once a day
d. If you feel smart by default
e. If you ever traded animal skin for lunch
f. If you could make more money now than after the "Brain Cell Purge"
g. If you have told an anorexic that she is fat for personal amusement
Topic 3) Cat's Song Lyric of the Week:
You can be a Tom Cruise and make a big scene/ Or be like McGyver and cut it clean/ Either way there's gonna be blood on the floor/ When you tell her that you don't dig girls anymore
"Grant Park" by the now-defunct Marvelous 3
Topic 4) Webpage of the Week:
American Idol! www.idolonfox.com Clay's been my fave since his first audition (when he was rockin' the glasses and stripes!)
Topic 5) Quote of the Week:
"If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it."
- politician Linda J. Furney
Closing:
Just in case you want to offer your 2 cents, Chris's email address is arkie42@hotmail.com. (Sorry Chris, company policy.) Hope everyone is doing well. As for me, I need a job.
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