| New Idea On Conserving Social Security I'm sorry everyone, but I will be taking a sidetrack from my original "insane" humor. To post an actually real article: Recently, President George W. Bush realized that there was an easy way to solve his social security woes. Simply erase everyones mind to make them believe that social security was never real. Then he could take the Social Security fund and use it on Iraq (if he's not already done so, which he has. that is why it's doing so poorly right now). Unfortunately, he couldn't erase everyone's memory. So, many people will be confused about the fund. They will be sent to the worst prison in the world, or the modern gulag, Guantanamo Bay. Then, with all the destruction he's caused, Ralph Nader, the next president, will be accused of creating the deficit (I find it funny how Clinton had a surpluss and Bush has some of the worst deficit of any president for the past 50 years) that so greatly has made the US look stupid for electing this guy twice in a row (which couldn't have happened if he had not cheated in the first election. It's funny how the people don't have the power in a democracy. no wait, democracy would get republicans mad, it's more of a republic). Another weird thing that occured with Bush is: He is a moron. That also somehow reflects on US. A wise man once said, "Bush is annoying." He was my brother. |
| ON THIS PART OF MY WEBSITE, YOU WILL FIND A TRUE STORY ABOUT TRUE PEOPLE. I UPDATE THIS WHENEVER I CAN |
| Upset In Berlin Berlin, the twenty-second strongest nation in the world, had an upset today. Three people were killed in the reinactment of 9/11, which Berlin hosted for the United States to show that there were no hard feelings about the U.S. crushing Germany in World War II. The people were: John H. Geegoosh, Mocky Snot, and Albanian President, Okey Hosnepulot. What will Albania do without their beloved ?Hosnepulot? They will probably get a new president in the near future. But, with Berlin's beloved residents, John and Mocky, how will the nation's economy survive? Of course, the U.S. sent its beloved ally some money, but that wouldn't make up a year's worth of Mocky's economic boosters. China might give some of its beloved wall to Berlin, but that's a crazy notion. Berlin will fall, becoming as pointless as Russia, Ethiopia, and Canada. -Theo Chandler glanced at a bird today, 2/6/05 |
| Insane Christian Sews Beloved PBS Celebrity I will admit that the telly tubbies have gone too far. (Especially Toopsie Floopsie) But, this does not mean that they must be pushed around. An "extra exagerative" christian, as called by the Blue Fork Rinds (a news group), sewed Dipsteen for bait and switch. Telly Tubbies, a show advertised as a kid's show, was Tom Globerndy's daughter's favorite TV show. Sally Globerndy, or Slobery as many bullies called her, kindly asked her father to watch the show with her. Little did she know, her favorite character, Dipsteen, was going to get hacked into little bits by the United States Judicial System. Tom watched the show, getting more and more interested in the halarious hyjinks of those cute little fellows, realizing at the end that he had enjoyed the show. He desided that Telly Tubbies was more suited for adults, like him, and not children, like Slobery. He got a little angry and complained, showing a strange new attitude for a strong religious man. The court agreed that Tom had a better case, but let Toopsie Floopsie, Lopdop, and Dope leave without charge. Dipsteen was incarcerated and killed in a freak meat grinder accident. The supreme court passed a law saying that meat grinders were no longer permited in the court room. Without Dipsteen, will Dope be able to keep going in life? No. -Theo Chandler was sick today, so he watched PBS, and was inspired to write this article, 2/10/05 |
| What Is Your Biz? A new word is sweeping the nation with no rhyme or reason. Unless you're walking around saying 'fiz'. Then it would be rhyming. Yes, you know what this article is about. Biz. A word created to seperate Nazis from dragons in World War II, biz has been around for many years. During the war, English and American spies would call out 'biz' whenever they saw a person coming, to make sure it wasn't actually a dragon. Nazis would hear this, and shoot into the pile of dirt in which the spy was hiding. World War II killed the most spies out of any war known to man. (Besides the Hundred Year War, which was impossible to beat due to the amount of time it lasted.) Now, 'biz' has metamorphosised into a word meaning anger level. A man bumped into me on the street a few weeks ago and said, "What's your biz, you jerk?" After many a night of weeping, I set off to find out what biz meant. The person who created the word was living near me. So, I asked him. He said it meant anger level. I said cool. He said you say it like this: What's your biz. I said, that's what that guy on the street said. He said, there are many forms of biz!!!! I said cool. He said, Biznaque is a biz of 1 or 10. If you're bizzing, your biz is either rising or falling. If you're a Bi?zzilla, you have a biz of pi and so on. There's a link at the bottom of this article that lets you read the full list of biz words. -Theo Chandler will probably not be hired to get a newspaper job very soon, but he can hope, 2/10/05 here's my biz link |
| The Tree Of Justice A tree is normally just the symbol of justice for Pakistan and Canada. But now, the tree is a symbol of justice for three rodents. The hikers John and Tod Winsloe were doing their share of hiking, when a gorilla came down from the treetops. The gorilla was friendly, and gave them some flowers. John shot him in the leg, and Tod wrestled him to the ground. But, an even stranger story arose today. A story of three rodents in the Hundred-Acre Wood. Filming the upcoming movie, Pooh, Killer or Killa, they noticed a tree standing over a dragon holding a gun to a pig. They heard a shot, and ran under a nearby hotel's balcony. The dragon, too, ran under the balcony. Rain started pooring from the sky. A tree was struck by lightning and killed six molemen. The dragon with the gun dropped the gun at the sight of five out of six of his friends dying. The pigs stabbed him with spears they found leaning against the hotel. -Theo Chandler will write a story with a point next time. He promises, 3/2/05 here's my biz link again |
| "Greatest Movie of All Time Possibly" Says Rudolph Conin The upcoming movie, Sixteen Reasons Why I Don't Like Stupid People, is a great work of art. It has to do with guns and gun protection suites, along with what countries will allow terrorists to aquire powerful guns. The title has to do with a marketing slogan from a fire station, telling people that the police approve gun attacks, rather than starting fires. The creator of this movie, Rudolph Conin, agrees with himself in that it is not the "Greatest movie of all time, possibly." After long await at the box office, many republican gun freaks (or NRA members, as they like to be called) rejoiced at the sight of an evil documentary. Money shot through the roof for Rudolph Conin, and he is thinking about making a series: Eighteen Things I Hate About Seth, Thirty Jerks Named Stupid, Five Fictional Truths, and Here We Go Again With Twelve. He is said to make 300 gp in Runescape over the next five decades every year. That's a lot of money!!!! -Theo Chandler decided to create a movie about why guns are great, and he called it Sixteen Reasons Why I Don't Like Stupid People, and now he's trying to post it on his (or someone elses) website. It might take about two years., 3/12/05 |
| Stock Makes Money If Investing Into Intro-Fest With the buying of Montey-Share, Intro-Fest has increased insane stock prices. Three hundred investors jumped up and down with glee, especially majority stockholder, Introd Fester. Fester jumped over 16 feet, setting the world record for high jump. This gave him a sponsership from America to play in the Olympics. But, will his jump height physical, or just created through his glee? The answer, after his first practice... (to be continued) -Runescape sucks, 3/26/05 |
| Stock Makes Money If Investing Into Intro-Fest(2) With the practice yesterday, the young Introd decided that he would just think about his earnings every time he did the high jump. He got 12 feet, slightly losing his unstoppable record. But, by the next day, Montey Share was making a silent takeover of Intro-Fest Corporation. Montey destroyed Intro's life, but Intro was still making thousands of dollars a day to be an olympian. During the 2005 Backyard Summer Olympics, Montey dealt a heavy blow to Intro, by yelling "brick" during the jumping period. With Intro's fear of a brick hitting him, he jumped to China, 40 feet above the bar. He was then asked to do long jump. But, China meat grinding operatives decided to gun him down. Kapow, the Fest fell. Montey was trialed for murder, but never reached the jail popularity of Martha Stewart. Feeling terrible about losing to a girl, he found an explosive formula made from soft toilet paper, fire, and dynomite. He broke out of jail, and was last reported running into a house on Flan Street. He shot two people. Martha realized what she had done. She smiled. -Runescape sucks again, 3/26/05 |
| Silly Old Dragon Fighter Never Kills Anyone When dragons are born, they end up fighting. But, computer graphics change many things. Unfortunately, the computers try to simulate dragons, and they blow up. But, dragons don't need computers. In the newest form of biz, being bizzit, of course, the dragons find out they are extremely stupid. They're big jerks. Bizzit (definition in first biz link, second one does something different : ) ) is commonly used to fight against dragons. The dragons feel the demeaning heat of hurtfulness and start rampaging. Then, the bizzit sayer, or dragon fighter as many call them, lets the dragon tear up the nearest city. But one dragon fighter (Rellwell Rooksawksenburgnotunishticksun) was stopped by a fireball spell cast by a nearby D&D expert. The fireball taught R.R. a lesson. He ran away, and the dragon was home free. Hooray, it's dragon day! -Dragons, natures quiters, were never noticed in death valley until too late. That's why I was inspired to write this breaking story!!!, 4/1/05 |
| Six, Does Anyone Love You? The number six began in ancient egypt, when they discovered that there was a small jump between 5 and 7. There number system was based on eights, instead of tens, like ours. Finding the missing six taught them that pi was exactly 3 (which we have yet to learn) and that circles and rectangles can be made with the same formula (y=mx+b). But, when the 6 was found, they also realized that the source of all evil was under the great pyramid (before, they thought it was in the Atlantic Ocean, by using 7 in the following formula instead of 6: Evil = 6) in which they had constructed. They tried digging under the pyramid, but that did not work, due to the continuous destruction of the pyramid that Head Congressman Charles Burlwickety didn't allow. He would not let them finish. But, of course, some graverobbers came, and, finding an already half dug grave, they decided to help themselves. They finished, and let out Evil, a very good looking ogre with only one thought on his mind: evil. He created sickness and stabbing. He also created evil thoughts and glaring. Many call him the devil's succesor. They would be wrong. He actually hated the devil (what with him needing constant cold weather and ice, and that other jerk needing constant hot weather and sulfer). So, a war began between the two evils and their minions. Evil won. -Evil is everywhere. You can never be too sure about if someone stuck a razor in one of your apples. Beware!!!, 4/10/05 |
| The Final Crusade Of Johnny Appleseed Johnny appleseed was a strong mage, so after he died he could easily bring himself back to life. The strongest piece of advice he gave when he was in his first life was: one bad apple doesn't spoil the entire bushel. I feel that this is a crazy notion. He came back to life and told me that he didn't like that saying either, and that he didn't really make it up. Unfortunately, I didn't believe him so I shot him in the rib cage. He died. I smile because I think its funny when I killed him. I saw him as an idiot, so I started playing with my apple tree. Unfortunately, I realized that apples were Johnny's favorite fruit, besides the watermelon. Therefore, Appleseed sprung from the core of one of my favorite apple buds and killed me. -Don't worry, I'm not really dead. Sorry about how much this real article sucks, 4/23/05 |
| REAL Article Is Recovered After long periods of remembering, I finally remembered my first REAL Article, which I stupidly deleted. Here is goes: SPLIT, DEADLY DRUG OR FEEBLE PASSTIME SPLIT, A DRUG FOUND IN THE WESTERN ANDES AND NORTHERN URALS, IS UNCOMMONLY ATTRACTIVE TO MANY PEOPLE. IT FREES YOUR BRAIN OF ANY WORRIES, AND YOU MIGHT FEEL A TINGLING SENSATION. DON PATTERSON GOT HOOKED ON THE "BLUE STUFF" IN THE LATE 80'S. HE SAYS, "NEVER DO SPLIT. IT ROTS YOUR BRAIN. SO DOES TELEVISION, THE RADIO, VIDEO GAMES, AND CRAPPY WEBSITES." I SAYS, "LOOK HERE OLD MAN. YOU NEED TO TELL US EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU TOOK SPLIT." "WELL," HE SAYS, "I WAS SO HOOKED ON IT, I HAD TO GIVE UP MANY THINGS." I LATER FIND OUT WHAT THESE THINGS ARE. THEY ARE AS FOLLOWS: SKATEBOARD, TV, A RADIO, VIDEO GAMES, AND THE CAPS LOCK KEY ON HIS KEYBOARD. AS IT TURNS OUT, THE CAPS LOCK WAS ON BEFORE HE RIPPED IT OUT OF THE KEYBOARD TO SELL IT (IN ORDER TO PAY FOR MORE SPLIT OF COURSE). HE SCREAMED MANY A CURSE WHEN HE LEARNED THAT HE HAD TO TYPE IN CAPS ALL THE TIME. WITH THIS GRAMMATICAL MONSTEROSITY, WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE NEAR FUTURE? (OF LITERATURE) -SO, THE CAPS LOCK KEYS HAVE FINALLY WON. THAT'S OKAY, THEY'LL LOSE ALL OF THEIR POWER FIGHTING THE INSERT KEYS, AND THEN WE'LL TAKE OVER OUR LAND AGAIN. GOD BLESS AMERICA!, 1/30/05 So there you have it, my first REAL Article. see you, for now!!! So there you have it, my first REAL Article. See you, for now!!!, 4/30/05 |
| So it's come to this, reporting about my own website Today, millions wept for the fallen jokes and sections of Theo's website. I, Theo's bladder, have decided to report on this amazing topic. However, with the coming of the news of the dead sections, I wept. My tears were sucked down a toilet of sorrow, and I probably ended up killing someone who drinks water from the sewers. Under the bottom of Theo's heart, I gave to the National Theo Donation Center. I gave a coupon for $5 at Jefferson Pete's Craaaazy Steakhouse. I hoped that would be enough for the dead section's parents to feel happy again. The most sorrowful of all the sections to go was my original homepage, which Theo destroyed when people called his page sloppy. Another dead section was the Art Gallery. Theo's brain remembers his last art thing: The Le Bluer el Santei. A masterpiece. This is one site that god will always bless(although he is not REAL) -Tell Theo to stop drinking Orange Fantas. Those things don't go through me very well, 5/4/05 |
| Activity Enjoyed By Some Today was the beginning of the spring fund drive for critical reviewers. The reviewers wives and ugly children showed up to falsely congradulate the other reviewers for making the top ten list in this terrible competition. The top ten reviewers will answer phones for the spring fund drive. If you want to watch it it will be on during the following date at 8:00 on FAX: Today. Therefore, a monster will make a guest appearance. (make sure that you watch for him. If you see him you may get a free $1000 dollar bill or many other great prizes!!!) But, anyway, the funds will go to the evertormenting National Reviewing Councel For Reviewers And The Elderly, in order for the reviewers to tell you how much your favorite movie sucks. If you wish to talk about reviewers, you should go to my forum. -Well, this was a load of stupidity, 5/12/05 |
| Bizz Bonolofigus Is Good Tomorrow is the upcoming film, Bizz Bonolofigus' movie premier. I have seen it in advance. Not too shabby. On my amazing scale, I rate it pretty amazing. It is about a boy and his akwardly sense of queasiness. He goes all sorts of places to find out how to get his tummy right again. A D&D Grandmaster Mage Head Council Member tries to help. So does the creator of this movie. Also, the boy's name is Rotendrose. It's short for Rotendrostilificoticon. His dog is there for the entire time, and the twist at the end is that all he needed to make his tummy right was to pet his dog. In the final few minutes, Rotendrose's number one enemy, El Gatto Diablo, finds the dog and hurts him. It's heartbraking when Rotendrose is crying over his dog, Bizz Bonoligus. At the end his dog says, "Don't worry 'bout me. I'll survi..." and then he dies. Then they show about an hour of Rotendrose crying. He says, "I won't worry about you..." Then he runs away and vomits. The nice part is that he doesn't want to barf on his dog's corpse. It's a good movie. -Well, you probably won't want to see it after I ruined the ending for everyone, 5/22/05 |