To Josh and Jaret Quotes
[Everyone laughs]
Owen: What?
Mr. Stegner: That's not what I meant, Owen.
Mr. Stegner: Rachel, if you don't stop touching your hair I'm going to put something in it that'll make it look really bad.
Mr. Stegner: Rachel, if you don't stop touching your hair I'm going to give you a crew cut.
Tuba Player [singing horribly]: When a man loves a woman...
Carolyn [singing]: He doesn't sing like that...
Mr. Stegner: No one cares about your teepee. (you had to be there)
Josh: Oh, you're gonna really like the new symphonic piece we're playing [starts to hum it].
Me: Greensleeves?
Josh: No, wait, I'm singing it wrong...
Helayna: Why are we walking on the grass? We have white shoes and white pants on. We're gonna get them all dirty.
Me: Helayna, we march on grass...
Helayna: Oh...right...
Helayna: I'm a dyslexic Jew.
Me: So basically you're a lysdexic Wej.
Julie: Does anyone have a quarter, I want to play "Under the Boardwalk."
Me: Did you just ask if anyone had an accordian that you could play under the boardwalk?
Julie: No...
Mrs. Dollings: Sede, tace, shut upe.
Sean [reading from his myth]: Entrepre... entrepre...
Everyone: Entrepreneur.
Sean: Entrepreneur.
Adam: Apple juice.
Sean: ...yes...
Me and Carolyn [to Helayna]: Filius albae gallinae! (Son of a white chicken... don't ask...)
Livia [from the movie I Claudius]: Remember the prophetic chickens!
[Scene in I Claudius, two women getting massaged. Scene change to two men in a public bath house, scraping oil off each other's back]
Michael: Change it back, change it back!
Taylor: It's like a jail...
Me [regarding a marching band]: Hehe, they have to use flutes!
Helayna: Did you just say that they resemble monkeys?
Me: What?! Wow...
Chad: Man, I'm d-u-m stupid.
Rita: Wait, I thought dumb was spelled with a b...
Mr. Dommisse: Okay, who in the South would have been against slavery?
Alex: Slaves?
Mr. Dommisse: ...Well, that is correct... I'm gonna go run into traffic now...
Max: Men like sitting in Josh's lap (hahahahaha, don't ask...)
Mr. Dommisse [talking about the lights going out at school]: And you know when the lights go out there are those obligatory kids that go 'ooooooh!' I mean, do they do that at home? 'Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad, ooooooh!'
Kid in my class [pointing out the window]: Do those neighborhoods have power?
Mr. Dommisse: I think so... but you're pointing at the river...
Me: Did you say that your Final Fantasy character comes up to other characters' ankles?
Josh: Yeah, well, right about here [points].
Me: Josh, that's your knee.
Mr. Dommisse: I remember when The Last of the Mohicans came out in the 1970s...
Someone behind me: Whoa!
Mr. Dommisse: The international sound for old, whoa...
Josh: Dear JMU, why should you accept me into JMU's music program? Because I tuned my band director's chair! (lol, he actually did this, it's an E)
Mr. Dommisse [talking about Michael Jackson]: They raided Neverland, but I don't know what they were looking for.
Alex: Sex toys?
Mr. Dommisse: That would be the children.
[Gasps of horror and surprise]
Alex: That was so wrong.
Mr. Dommisse [sarcastically]: Oh, I'm sorry. Was that inappropriate?
Caroline: That's not a signature, that's a friggin scribble!
Me: Of course they're alive, the grass is askew! (Caroline told me not to explain this...)
Michael [talking about a girl in Adam's physics class]: Why didn't you ask her?
Adam: She never pays attention.
Michael: You don't even know her name!
Adam: She's Girl X!
[At Mountain Branch golf course, Jared is golfing (horribly I might add...)]
Uncle Henry: Slooooow dooooown!
Jared: Biiiiiiite meeeeee!
[James is trying to tune his voice to a high F]
James: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh [hits an F] hahaha wipe out! (lol, he sounded exactly like the guy who says that in the song "Wipe Out"!)
Caroline: I need to go to England... I mean, history class...
Helayna [to Josh]: Kelsey, make... oh wait...
[Josh stares, eyes wide. I'm cracking up]
Me: Yes, because we look so much alike...
Mom [to my brother, Josh]: Kelsey!
(Do Joshs just look like me or something? Those were both on the same day)
[The Ukrops Parade is on, my mom and dad are watching]
Mom: Look! It's Spongebob!
Me: Mom, that's a Verizon book.
Mom: Oh...
Josh: Here's some words of advice: Never step on a black man's shoes.
[From my history book]
Southern Soldier: Foward men! They have cheese in their haversacks!
[In Latin class, Derek is going to the shelf to look at James' ashes (don't ask)]
Sean [Grabbing Derek's arm]: No! Vergil!
[Derek stares]
Sean: I was hoping if I said something like that you wouldn't question it.
Mr. Doyle (Caroline sent me this one): His name was Bernardo O'Higgins. Irish-Chilean. Like a Chile potato. Imagine jalapenos in your Lucky Charms.
[Me and Helayna are explaining to Josh that we are giving him a joint Christmas present. Since I've already given him coconuts, he's guessing different tropical fruits that we might give him]
Josh: Is it edible?
Me: No. [Pause for a moment] Well... I guess it could be, it depends upon how you look at it.
Josh [With a quizzical look]: Is it edible underwear?
Mrs. Dollings: Adam, don't bring strippers in my classroom, boy.
Mrs. Dollings: ...To be continued on Thursday, when we finish Book One.
Lauren: And don't forget the party!
Adam: And the Cuban strippers!
John: Cuban strippers!
Sean: Cuban strippers!
Other guys in the class: Cuban strippers!
[From a IM convo between me and Josh, had to put this]
Me: but ur hair will be dyed, even if we hafta get daniel to sit on u
Josh: ICK!
Josh: OMG OMG OMG
Josh: *burns his eyes out*
[Thanks to Caroline for this one, it's not the same Adam that's already on my quotes page]
Adam: Ugh, I hate advertisements, they're unprovoked and loud. Loud things are generally bad.
James: I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Mr. Stegner: Th...thanks for telling me, James...
Caroline's mom: Our new dish washer was flashing 'Ho Ho Ho' at me!
[At Friday's, we're all trying to figure out the saying for the year my bro is graduating, which is, in fact, this year...]
Chris: Class of 2004: college, military, or convenience store!
[Mrs. Hoffert is discussing the fact that she won't be at school the day we take our math exam]
Mrs. Hoffert: Don't worry Michael, you won't pass out or have seizures or anything.
Michael: You can't garantee that!
Sean: Oh my God, Kiera Knightly is so hot!
Mr. Crane: Oh my God, Johnny Depp is so hot!
Caroline: Oh my God, Orlando Bloom is so swish!
[pause]
Caroline: It... it means dashing... in Britain... and I'm British... shut up.
Tony: Know what would be funny? If those 'Girls Gone Wild' tapes were in the wildlife video section of the zoo gift shop.
Thomas: British people suck. They're so... tea.
Caroline: I got an F! I refuse to have an F! REVOLUTION!
Sarah: Caroline, that's a D.
Caroline: Oh... crap.
Caroline: It's like cheese, but not. More like cottage cheese. You know, swiss cheese looks like it's been shot.
Amanda: A deer bit my grandpa.
[Last six quotes all thanks to Caroline.]
[Caroline's friend Amanda is about to show us a picture of Orlando Bloom on her binder]
Caroline [to Natalie and me]: You guys are just as obsessed as me.
Me and Natalie: I'm not as obses...[Sees picture](with a sigh) ohhhhhhh!
Mrs. Hoffert: The partical is moving in a straight line...
Andy [interrupting]: Can we give it a name? Like Steve?
Mrs. Hoffert: Okay, so Steve is moving in a straight line...
Me: Caroline?
Caroline: Yeah?
Me: You spelled 'chair' 'chrai'.
[At lunch. I'm eating Josh's fries, as usual.]
Josh: Stop eating my fries! I'm not your french fry slut!
[Me and Caroline randomly start talking about the president]
Caroline: He's not stupid, but, well, he choked on a peanut!
Me: Pretzel.
Caroline: [slight pause] Why do you do it?
[Mr. Schu has come into the Latin class, looking for Lauren Starkey.]
Mr. Schu: Starkey?
Mrs. Dollings: Skipping.
Mr. Schu: Slacker.
[In Latin class, we're taking the 2000 National Latin Exam as practice.]
John: This is so hard!
Sean: You're so [stops]
Me: Do not finish that sentence!
[Me, Helayna, and Caroline are discussing the Trojan Horse.]
Helayna: I wonder if people went inside the Statue of Liberty to see if there were any of the French hiding in there.
[Josh is on the computer, sees an advertisement for natural breast enhancement.]
Josh: Mom, should I click on the link?
Mrs. Martin: No, your breasts are perfectly fine the way they are.
Megan: Oooh! Guess what I have in my bag!
Zach: Cocaine?
Zach: Can I be one of Michael's goons?
Adam: Don't you mean crony?
Zach: I prefer goon.
Landon: Don't speak loud enough for you to hear me.
Chad: Don't speak loud enough for me to mock you.
[Alex is pestering Michael about something.]
Michael: Alex, get off my back, just get off! I don't want you on there anymore, you're heavy!
[Mr. Couillard is doing that trick where you rip a table cloth from under a wine bottle, he's just barely stopped the bottle from falling twice.]
Wes: Mr. Couillard, I think God is trying to tell you to stop.
[In Caroline's Biology Class]
Jessica: Natalie, are you in Biology or Chemistry? Wait...
Luke: Dictators are so sexy. It's like S&M but with ethnic cleansing.
Katie: Billy Boyd is so sexy. So is...what's the elf-guy's name?
Caroline: Orlando-
Katie [interrupting]: Right, yeah, Orlando Depp.
Caroline: Bloom!
Katie: What?
Caroline: BLOOM!
Katie: What are you talking about?
Caroline: BLOOM! BLOOM! BLOOM!
Katie: Are you yelling at the flowers?
Mrs. Dollings: I got it at Michael's.
Michael [looking up from test]: What?
Mrs. Dollings: I had to take a child abuse course.
Sean: Really? When?
Mrs. Dollings: Today.
Sean: Today?
Mrs. Dollings: Yeah, on the the computer.
Adam: So, did you learn how to do it?
[In Latin class, we have a briefcase filled with penny rolls for Pennies For Patients.]
Mrs. Dollings: John's going to carry the briefcase because he says he wants to look like James Bond.
[In Calculus, Julie is giving pink safety scissors to Michael.]
Julie: Here, Michael, have the pink ones.
Michael [Enthusiastically]: YAY!
[At lunch, we are discussing Leah's use of her inhaler on the soccer field.]
Josh: Why don't you just stop and use it?
Leah: You can't stop on the Quidditch field! Oh wait...
[I swear, I think my lunch table laughed for about five minutes non-stop.]
[In Physics, Mr. Couillard was trying to convince us about this bogus theory (he didn't actually believe it, though he pretended to) and some people actually believed him.]
Mr. Couillard: You hear someone go 'Really?' and you just have to stay totally deadpan and go 'Yes' but in your head you're thinking 'Oh my God!'
Josh: I looked down and realized my fly's been open for an hour. Why didn't anyone tell me?!
Me: I'm sorry I wasn't looking at your crotch, Josh.
Josh: Why not? What's wrong with my crotch?
Josh: It would be stupid if everything could die.
Me: Okay, name something that can't die.
Helayna: Plants can't die.
[That was followed by much laughter from me and Josh.]
Travis: He was probably doing something illegal.
Tom: Everybody's done something illegal. Jaywalking is fun!
[To the tune of "Let's Talk About Sex"]
Cara: Let's talk about Chex baby. Let's talk about squares of wheat.
[Helayna was looking at the Brail sign in the Band room that says 'M1A.' She noticed that there were a lot more Brail letters than there were English.]
Me: Maybe it's something only blind people can see... Oh wait, that's not what I meant!
Shana [Pointing at a picture of an Ostrich]: Caitlin, what's that?
Caitlin: It's a duck!
Dad: That was very good tasty!
Me, Mom, and Josh [laughing]: Very good tasty?
Dad: I meant very good tasting.
Josh: Little Josh has got the beat to make your booty go 'Smack!'
[Me and Amber are walking around The Magic Kingdom and something falls from the sky and hits her on the head.]
Amber: Oh my God, what was that?
Me [Looking at the object]: It's a piece of ham...
Josh [Acting drunk]: One bottle of beer on the wall, one bottle of beer. Take one down, slip on the ground, zero bottles of beer on the wall. Zero bottles of beer on the wall, zero bot... oh wait, there's none left...
Helayna: Well, if you stole from here you'd become property of Mickey Mouse.
Me: Or, like Josh says, you'd become Mickey Mouse's bitch.
Helayna: Well, it's better than being Stegner's...
[On the ride It's a Small World After All.]
Me: Why are the penguins wearing Mexican hats?
[Still on It's a Small World.]
Josh: The Hawaiians are taking over! Stupid Norwegian hula dancers...
[At set construction, Eric is running around stradling a broom]
Sarah [Throwing a golden, glittery, styrofoam ball to Eric]: Catch it, Harry!
Eric [Misses]: I'm a Quidditch failure!
Caroline: I want to put the Mexican guy back in my boobs. It was nice. I liked it.
Mom: Leave me alone. Dad took my cupcakes.
Mrs. Hoffert: Justin.
Justin: HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY DAY!
Mr. Dommisse: Now we're gonna talk about the women.
Palmer: Yeah!
Mr. Dommisse: You need to take a long walk down a short pier.
[From a Latin sticker.]
Sticker: In catillo est, cibus esse debet. (It's on a plate; it must be food.)
[In band, some of the trumpets are seeing what's the highest note they can hit.]
Nathan: I had a dream I tried to hit a high note.
[In band, Nathan comes over and glances at a picture of my dog asleep in her cage.]
Nathan: Is that a picture of tuna casserole?
[From my Baldur's Gate game, I found this rather amusing.]
Uncle Gerhardt: I just came here to find some turnips, I swear!
Me [To Caroline, in all my lysdexic glory.]: Your dials are pupilated.
[Josh is high-fiving all the trumpet players... all expect Jeff.]
Nathan [To Jeff]: It's funny because you're stupid.
[Ryan accidently released his trumpet spit valve on his pants.]
Ryan: Awww, this is full of sh*t!
Josh: Full of spit. You mean it's full of spit.
[At the soccer game.]
Mom: I'm excited because it's exciting.
[One of Caroline's friends said this, don't know who. She was talking about how her teacher calls quizzes "quizzies"]
If these are his little quizzies, I'd hate to see his little testies! Oh wait...
[Part of a mad lib I did, the only part that was funny, btw.]
The BEDROOM is meant for STALKING.
[Patrick was playing with the bottoms of my capris during band class.]
Me: Patrick, get your hands out of my pants.
Patrick: I was waiting for you to say that.
[I know this was in the yearbook but I found it incredibly amusing.]
Ross: While discussing energetics and light dependent reactions in photosynthesis in AP Bio class, I mistakenly used the term oxidative phosphorylation instead of photophophorylation. I felt as useless as an enzyme that had been denatured by a noncompetitive inhibitor that binded to the allosteric site, thus changing its shape.
[Josh is giving me and Caroline hand massages.]
Rachel: Josh, are you gonna be a manicurist?
Josh: Go to hell.
[Lights start to flicker in History class, our tv shuts off and comes back on almost immediately after.]
Mr. Dommisse: Did everyone just blink at the same time?
Nathan: Where's Josh?
Helayna: He's a senior.
Me: He's probably playing video games.
Nathan [In a whisper]: I want to be with him.
[At an airport]
War reinactment guy: Should we check the rifles or should we take them on the plane with us?
[This is paraphrased cuz I said it yesterday. Me and Caroline were at the mall and at Hot Topic we saw a sign that said "Have you seen this wizard?" with Sirius Black on it.]
Me: They should make a shirt that has that on it with it actually moving.
Caroline: You know that one day they could probably do that.
Me: Yeah, with like a computer chip in it or something. 'Cept, like today, it would start raining and everyone would get electrocuted.
Caroline: You're such a pessimist.
Me: No, 'cuz, like, everyone in the world would have one, so everyone would get electrocuted and die... expect the Christians...
[Caroline's mom gave her friend Julie a rolling pin as part of a birthday present.]
Julie: This is good. I don't have a rolling pin.
Mrs. Sumner: Now you can hit guys over the head and make biscuits!
[Caroline was talking about this statue of a creepy guy with a long trenchcoat at U of R.]
Caroline: The statue's creepy. It's like, "Hello little girl, would you like some candy?"
Mrs. Sumner: Or he could flash you since he has that trenchcoat. "Hello little girl, would you like to see this candy?"
Lee: I'm gonna marry a chiropractor so I can yell CRACK IT CRACK IT!!!
Matt [while hugging Eric]: Our balls are touching.
Pirate Mike: Ask me if I'm a taxi
Caroline: Are you a taxi?
Pirate Mike: No
Stefanie: So this one time my 75-year old great-aunt walked into a restaurant in a string bikini and nothing else...
Isia: So this one time my dad was in Cancun with my Latin teacher's wife...
Caroline: So this one time my cat was peeing on my keyboard...
Eric: So this one time I said so this one time...
[At band camp]
Me: Hey, Rach, can I see the drill chart?
[Hands it to me]
Me: Oooh, that look's like a kite.
Rachel: Or a sperm.
Me: Pointy sperm.
Sarah: I'm sure... some... are like that.
Me: Yeah, the dysfunctional kind.
[Another IM convo between me and Josh]
Me: this guy from my dads work made me brownies for my birthday, that guy makes really good desserts
Josh: Sounds like he wants in your pants.
Josh: *a-wink*
Me: if thats true he wants in my bros pants as well cuz he gave him brownies for his 18th b-day
Josh: That sicko!
Josh: Oddly enough, I feel left out.
Caroline: What was the game called? Stars of the Banana Republic?
[The game, btw, was Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic]
Ms. Sheppard: In Shakespeare's time, people didn't normally marry for love. There was no, "Oh, I like your personality, I think we could last a long time together." It was more, "Damn, you look fine!"
[I don't remember how this got started. I think it had something to do with the Sklar brothers, or something...]
Josh: Uh.
Caroline: What?
Josh: UH.
Caroline: What?
Josh: UH!
Caroline: What?
Josh: UH!
Me: Oh my God, please stop.
Caroline: Should I run like the wind?
Mr. Held: Walk like the breeze.
[After an announcement about how well we did in the fire drill.]
Mr. Held: What, like people would be walking around like it's Sanford and Son? "Dun dun da da, school's on fire!"
[From the play Pippin, found this amusing.]
Begger: Up thine, sire.
Mr. Held: Okay, everyone say "aw" on the count of three. One, two, three.
Class: Awwwwwwww!
Mr. Held: Louder! One, two, three!
Class: AWWWWWWWW!
Mr. Held: Backwards! One, two, three!
Class: Wwwaaaaaa.
[Singing "Enter Sandman"]
Josh: Exit: light, enter: night, take my hand, we're off to Never Never Land... to get raped by Michael Jackson...
[At RAL]
Joe: I have to go, I think I hear Travis calling me.
Travis: JOE!
Joe: I'm coming! [walks away]
Me: Haha, Joe's Travis's bitch.
[Ms. Sheppard has a picture of her neice as her computer wallpaper.]
Leda: Oh, is that your daughter?
Ms. Sheppard: Hah! I'm surprised they let me have a dog!
Josh: I've developed a new butt dance.
[Josh and I have some really screwed up IM conversations.]
Josh: Now just picture Mario in some leather outfit whipping me