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| ISSUE TWO |
| HALF A DOLLAR |
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| AS GORDON BROWN REVEALS HIS SECRET MEETINGS WITH A PROSTITUTE DONKEY, TONY BLAIR INSISTS... |
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| Confused: The donkey after the chancellor had had his wicked way ---------- |
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| The Prime Minister demonstrates best how to handle a donkey as Don King practises on himself |
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| Culprit: The Chancellor's face is distorted for legal reasons but look how blow jobbing a donkey has changed the shape of his mouth |
| Tony Blair last night gave a statement regarding Gordon Brown's admission that he was once physically attracted to a donkey called Jeff. Mr Blair insisted that what the chancellor did was in no way improper and should be done again on a regular basis. "It is a morale booster for the Government and will doubtless be good for the stabilization of the economy." Said the Prime Minister. Other backers include foreign secretary, Jack Straw, who was once romantically involved with a hedge and Russian President, Vladimir Putin, who famously had sex with a dove - for fun. Others however are disgusted. Tory leader, Iain Duncan-Smith said it was like communism in many ways - a good idea in theory, but when put into practise everyone is left |
| with grass in their mouths and egg on their faces. Mr Brown made the confession two weeks ago in The News Of The World but has yet to give an audible account of the events. Such a scenario is likely once he regains full use of his mouth. Such was the girth of the donkey's mucky dick that giving it a blow job caused a severe displacement in the chancellor's jaw. |
| "The bedding arrangements weren't good." |
| He has, however, in the last few minutes been able to speak. He had this to say. "I never wrote that article in the News Of The World and I want no further publications of |
| of these allegations to be made. Too late buster. As we speak the chancellor's face is being well and truly smeered with egg. Not only has the regular Toimes Newspaper published the story but also this Toimes website. In addition our weekly supplement the Toimezine has a feature on how the chancellor tackled the issue from behind. Having read the previous paragraph four minutes before we went to press, Mr Brown has put a gun to my head and is keeping it there as I type. He wishes me to make a complete retraction of what I have written or he will shoot me. I formally apologise, Mr Chancellor. Now may I have my head back or are you going to keep that gun against it? (Sorry, incidentally, to the reader for my intertextual conversation with the chancellor. We will hopefully restore normal service soon). He has now pulled the gun away from my head, left the editors room and closed the door behind him. I can now continue. When Mr Robert Enderby and Mr Laurence Brown become aware of what that dickhead just did to me, he'll have hell to pay. Anyway, aside from that, the chancellor will become somewhat angry when he realises that Tony Blair found the whole incident hilarious. Oh shit. That reminds me. Animal rights groups will be on to me for not representing the donkey much in this story. Err, the donkey's fine. How's that? |
| "TWAT!" |
| TOIMES OWNERS FIND OUT WHAT GORDON BROWN DID TO ABOVE REPORTER... (BUT THERE'S NO ROOM TO REPORT IT BECAUSE THE TOIMES COPYRIGHT IS IN THE WAY) |
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