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| Issue 1 |
| 35p (subject to change) |
| YORKSHIRE WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO PRONOUN! |
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| A Yorkshire woman was said to be last night "wuffled" at becoming the first British woman to give birth to a healthy, English pronoun. At precisely seven o'clock approximately, Norma Dean watched on in relaxed wonder as doctors delivered the word 'it' from between her legs. The word supposedly stifled a giggle as well. When asked what she would name the "baby," she said nothing, for she was killed at that moment by a passing headache. The "Baby's" father, an Oxford dictionary, was also short on words. He merely said, "minger." |
| CONCERN |
| The father is now out of the country teaching Japanese kids how to speak English and with the mother dead there is growing concern for the newly born. "We've contacted It's (the "child's" name) other family members, but all we could find was a Spanish dictionary living in Puerto Rico." Said a silk-wearing tramp, from East London. |
| Wuffled: Norma Dean was said to be happy, but also dead, following the pronoun's delivery. |
| CRAVING FOR A FAG |
| Since it's birth, It has purportedly taken up smoking and is doing so at a rate of sixty an hour. That's more in a day than |
| Superman managed in a lifetime. Of course Superman neither existed nor smoked. But It does. This poor baby exists and if something isn't done soon, It may make friends with the devilish 'Sh' and that would create a rather unholy smell. |
| NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME |
| This isn't the first time such a birth-giving has happened. Swedish |
| woman, Heidi Jargensen, gave birth to the personal pronoun, 'you.' Then, in the mid-fifties to the early seventies, Pamela Mitchum from Texas produced the impersonal pronoun, 'a.' It is thought that by 2006, however, this British baby will enter the record books for being the most commonly used name in the world. |
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| Cow denies assault on Pope |
| A hydraulic cow from an arable area of northern France was yesterday arrested and detained over night, charged with assaulting the Pope on Wednesday of last year. Normaine Fenot, some French policeman, said that the cow, 38, denied the charges made against |
| him. The Pope is popping to France from Rome this evening, however, to identify whether this cow was in fact the cow that punched him in the buttocks at last years 'Wet Water' bash. If found guilty, the cow faces three years in a field. |
| Lamont nutted in head by wrestler |
| Lord Lamont of Lerwick has told The Toimes how a WWF wrestler headbutted him at a Manchester airport last May, as the former British chancellor was about to board a plane. "This young ruffien by the name of Undertaker came over and said that I |
| was 'in his yard.'I told him that I clearly was not and then he headbutted me." Said Lamont to Toimes official, Peter Ngulfet. Lamont will press charges but not until he attacks the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. |
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| The Toimes, Copyright 1999. The Toimes is a product of Tomatoistic Industries and any breach of copyright by individuals, groups or organisations, without the permission of the proprietors, will result in immediate prosecution in accordance with the 1988 copyright, designs and patent act. |