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A Taliban spokeswoman last night gave a statement to BBC News 24 regarding the Afgan city of Kandahar.
She said that the reason as to why the US military were having trouble bombing Kandahar, was that the Taliban have actually moved the city and hidden it in central Bristol.

At hearing this, Tony Blair threw ice cream at his television and News 24 presenter, Jane Hill said, "Fucking h***" to millions of viewers nationwide.
This news has led many to believe that the Al Qaeda Network may now themselves be stationed in Hull, targetting deputy Prime Minister, John

Presscott of all people. Of course this deduction was merely the result of a heavy nights drinking between two scousers, so it's probably bollocks.

What is credible, and therefore probable, is that the Taliban plan to kidnap the Isle of Man in a last minute attempt at becoming a global recluse.
A further benefit of kidnapping the Man de Isle is that they wouldn't have to pay tax, not that this is top of the Taliban's list of worries.
Look out Britain!

Portillo licked to bits by pig
Michael Portillo's recent visit to a farm in Barnsley ended in more scandal. The former shadow chancellor spent most of his time lying under a pig called Alan, who licked Portillo's hair for no less than six hours.

Blair photocopies own arse to stabilise economy
Only one thing could over shadow Portillo's antics and that is Tony Blair photocopying his own rear-end. "It was done to stabilise the economy," said the PM.

The leader of the Al Qaeda Network and general "bad guy," Osama bin Laden, told Jeremy Paxman last night why he orchestrated the September 11 attrocities in America. Speaking on BBC 2's Newsnight, "The World's Most Wanted Man," told Paxman that he was annoyed at the US "dissing the Afgan massive."

From here, Paxman, in his own inimitable style, interrogated bin Laden. He asked, "what are your plans for the next couple of months, me ole mucka?"
To this question, bin Laden giggled before answering. He then said, "Well, I plan a tour of the US with my pop band, Lost In the Beard of Satan. I hear we're the big thing in the US at the moment."

The look upon the face of Jeremy Paxman at this point was one for the proverbial pitchfork. His ran phan gin tan of old was gone and in its place was more of a Jeffrey from Rainbow look. Composing his decomposed thoughts, he told the "Terror Matser" that the latter was wanted for murder in the US and any tour there would end in death.
Bin Laden laughed once more and then said how the American people just misunderstood him.
"I'm just popping over to clear up any misunderstandings."

The terror group suspected of being responsible for the whole of Semptember 11th have released documents stating how the network was formed.
    In a statement given to the Pentagon last night, it was revealed that the structure of the group was based largely upon the acidic saliva of a fat, Sudanese duck.
    The Pentagon, however, has deemed this information "classified," meaning noboby, not even The Toimes, can report it. So with that in mind, just pretend that you didn't read it and we won't get sued to death. Cheers.
    Incidentally it's been

revealed that the Pentagon have in fact already read this article and are currently taking out a law suit against The Toimes. Well we say up yours!

We're not afraid of your power. If you want to bomb us, then come and bomb us! Actually, we're only joking. Erm, we love you really. Do have a nice Christmas.
I feel pracked.

Hollywood's been going mad. That wonderful, wonderful boss of mine, Mr Laurence Brown (incidentally I've not had a pay rise in three years) has attracted the attention of one Nicole Kidman. The star of

The Moulin Rouge and many other films, met Mr Brown at this year's TV Quick film awards at which Mr Brown picked up twelve accolades, including greatest male that ever lived.

A spokesman for Miss Kidman said that she is unbelievably besotted with the co-owner of the Toimes.
However, my boss wishes me to point out that she's just another one

of his bitches and that he is in no way taking the thing seriously. He also says that I should point out that even I've had him, despite being a total minger.

The Toimes, Copyright 1999.
The Toimes is a product of Tomatoistic Industries and any breach of copyright by individuals, group or organisations, without the permission of the proprietors, will result in immediate prosecution in accordance with the 1988 Coprights, Designs and Patents Act