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| News In Briefs By a team of considerably under-paid writers |
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| Man charged with indecent exposure |
| A yorkshire man has been charged with multiple accounts of indecent exposure on a beach in Brighton. Richard Whitely, left, reportedly approached a young couple and uttered the words, "come to uncle Richard." It was after this that Mr Whitely got out his member and started wiggling it about. |
| Charged: Richard Whitely flashed his bits. |
| The incident was reported to the royal constabulary of Huddersfield for some reason, and Mr Whitely has been detained there over night. The Young couple, to whom the be-spectacled man wished his wash, have pressed charges, citing serious sexual depravity. |
| Mr Whitely has since given a statement regarding the incident. He said last night; "Exposure. Yes, good. Exposure. Well, I won't be giving any exposure to this story." Yesterday however, Whitely's head was blown clean off by a man carrying a porky Pie Anatomical Glue Shitter. |
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| Jacko made of chalk, claims sister |
| Janet Jackson has, in an interview with Toimes reporter, Samantha Hallett, told of the pain and suffering her superstar brother, Michael, went through to become a white man. |
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| Tough Decision: Jackson's skin was replaced with chalk in the early 1990s. |
| She said, "Michael is now completely made of chalk. This way his body and pop career are very much alike. They're both dissolving fast." Damn, thought a strange onlooker. |
| Knighthood for man who has vocal chords in his nose |
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| A Bristol man, born without a mouth, has been added to the new year's honours list. David Withermore, a Speech therapist of 22 years, was added to the list on account of the fact that he speaks through his nose. The Queen found this characteristic to be most amusing and so thought why not. Miss Withermore, wife of the nasally vocal man, says she's delighted and is looking forward to mincing her feet with the sham pan hack nack of Buckingham Palace. |
| Mr Withermore on the other hand is shitting bricks. He's nervous that palace staff, which is almost an anagram of 'fast places,' will bully him because of the way he looks. "I look a bit silly, what with having no mouth and a third hip on my forehead. I just hope the queen will sympathise, but I doubt it." Also on the list are owners of the Toimes, Laurence Brown and Robert Enderby. They've been commended for publishing a newspaper that delivers the facts. |
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| Woman in Austria discovers unknown colour (But is branded a liar after failing to describe it in any sort of detail) |
| An amazing claim has been claimed by an amazing woman, who says she has found a new colour. It was a beautiful day on the streets of Vienna and Frau Kernenzwoller Smith was idly walking her dog. Women and children bounced passed the lady without her even noticing. Old men in tweed hats and suits were sitting in ice cream bars, slurping sundaes and perusing German porn. Then, and only then, Frau Smith looked down and noticed something wrong. The pavement at which she was looking had turned |
| a colour not yet discovered by man. At the crucial stage of actually reporting her findings however, Frau Smith tripped over a man sniffing glue and landed in a laundry van, which subsequently drove itself north to Berlin. Several hours later, she rang her boyfriend and told him of her find. Bugging her boyfriend's telephone wire, The Toimes managed to listen in on the conversation. It went like this; Smith: Hello, Karl. I've got something amazing to tell you." Karl: What? Smith: Now don't |
| laugh. I was walking through this place and when I looked at the ground, I saw a colour that I was completely unable to comprehend. Karl: What do you mean? Smith: I mean I saw a colour that no one has ever seen before. Karl: Kernenzwoller? Smith: Yes? Karl: I want a devorce. Smith: Okay. The conversation ended here. The divorce procedure took a long time but was ushered along by the fact that Karl was six months pregnant. This is the first time that a male has been |
| preggers since the Jurrasic period, when some dinosaur named Dufus gave birth to an eight pound gorilla which started Human evolution. Unfortunately, it was discovered mere seconds ago that the dinosaur was in fact female, making Karl the first ever male to conceive. He has subsequently been added to the Guinness Book of Records on account of this intersting fact. Also in the Guiness Book of Records is a gay hippo's attempt to climb Everest and the longest stretch of televisual spit on Earth. The book will honour Noel Edmunds, upon whom this story was based. Noel Edmunds |
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| The Toimes, copyright 1999. The Toimes is a product of Tomatoistic Industries and any breach of copyright by individuals, groups or organisations, without the permission of the proprietors, will result in immmediate prosecution in accordance with the 1988 Copyright, Designs and Patent Act. |
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