by linz
so. its late one night. you are a college student. you and a friend are quite bored. what do you do? surf the web, of course!! you run across a site set up by a pretentious wanker who calls himself 'seanbaby.' the site and its pretentious wankeryness amuse you and your friend to no end. so the two of you decide to email this sites author. if you and your friend are, in reality, laura and myself, the letter goes a bit like this (actually, exactly like this):
you'd like to know. Bye. Sweet Dreams. (Don't we know it!)
Sincerely and with all due Respect and Gratitude,
Lindsey & Laura
P.S. We really won't stalk you. We promise. Cross our hearts and hope to die, stick a
needle in our eyes.
P.S.S. Laura's roommate wants to know if you can buy her some alcohol. She does not
represent our views in any way, although a little alcohol would not be rejected by us.
U.S.S. Destroyer
H.M.S. Titanic (I'M KING OF THE WORLD! WOOOOO-HOOOOO-HOOOOO!)
By the way, we think Leonardo DiCaprio is an anorexic 12-year-old girl who wouldn't be
able to act if run through an acting machine three Dozen times. (That's Baker's Dozen,
mind you, not the Other Dozen.)
P.S.S.S. Do you read comics? Do you like Lava Lamps? We do. But we're not 11 years
old. In fact, we're bored college students with no alcohol.
P.S.S.S.S. That's all.
P.S.S.S.S.S. We lied.
P.S.S.S.S.S.S. A lot.
P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. Except about the comic books and the Lava Lamps and the alcohol and
Portland and Leonardo DiCaprio and the Dozens.
P.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S. The big lie was that that was the end of the letter. This is only the
beginning. Muhahahahahahahahahaaaaaa.
Dear Seanbaby,
Have you ever heard the theory that Ben Stein (of "Win Ben Stein's Money") is either a
Witch or a Vampire? We happen to have written a rather interesting treatise on the
subject, concurrently with one Mr Jesse Thorn (who may or may not be God or a Minor
Deity)'s theory. If you would ever like more information on this fascinating subject, just
ask.
Have you ever played Sextris? It's quite a stimulating game. Our friend Elizabeth is
currently being stimulated.
Oh yeah, and we got Some Beer ("Trail Stash Amber Ale"). So don't worry any more
about getting us alcohol. At least not tonight.
We're wondering if you're going to send us an e-mail back saying "You stupid bitch."
Lindsey says that if you do she'll frame it. Wouldn't that be exciting? And Laura says
she'd kill Colin for a signed Seanbaby photograph. Oh yeah, you don't know Colin. Well,
considering that he's an arrogant, pretentious bastard who smells like ass and keeps
himself far too well-manicured (e.g. his hair doesn't move AT ALL), it's certainly
justified. Elizabeth doesn't want to be a part of this e-mail. She wants to drink her "Trail
Stash Amber Ale" in silent reflection, completely separate from this e-mail and all it
represents.
Our next door neighbor's name is Sean, and he bears a strikingly similar resemblance to
you. There are four simple ways for the observant to tell Seanbaby and NeighborSean
apart. First being that NeighborSean is two and a half heads taller than Seanbaby.
Second, Seanbaby has eyes of a faded china blue while NeighborSean's eyes are brown.
Third, while NeighborSean fashioned the rings he wears out of the skulls of four ravens,
Seanbaby has no obvious jewelry. Fourth, Seanbaby likes words while NeighborSean is
always hungry. Also, they look nothing at all alike.*
Lindsey would like to state at this time that we are Bad People. Don't let it worry you.
*For reference, see pg. 7, "Neverwhere" by Neil Gaiman, Avon Books Incorporated, 1350
Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York, 10019, copyright 1997. We strongly
suggest referencing this. Really.
Laura has scissors on her desk. Not to mention her computer, on which she is typing.
Not to say that Lindsey has nothing to do with this e-mail. On the contrary, she is sitting
on the heating vent, causing a fire hazard, while stroking Laura's Lava Lamp
suggestively.* As you may know, many Jehovah's Witnesses would strongly disapprove
of her behavior.
*For reference, Laura really does own a Lava Lamp. Her cousin gave it to her for
Christmas. It's Orange and Reddish and Very Phallic. So you see, this is not just a
Sexual Innuendo. It's true. Oh yeah.
take me back to
the beginning!!
