CASHIERS AND THE TRULY HORRIFIC EXPERIENCE OF BEING IN LINE
(Typical Habitat: Walgreens)
I love how cashiers magically know when you're running late. And being the sadistic bastards that they are, they decide to be extremely slow in ringing up the small amount of things that you are purchasing. This involves finding totally meaningless things to say to you in order to strike up a conversation, which consequently leads them to pause over your merchandise in order to respond to your polite (yet short) responses. Listen, I really don't want to be talking to someone as they pass my overnight maxi-pads over a scanner, and no, I DO NOT want to buy some crappy piece of paper that signifies that I have given to Breast Cancer Research or Mentally Challenged Children or whatever alternate pathetic cause that your company is going to guilt-trip me into contributing to. Just ring up my Fanta and this Charleston Chew and I will be on my way.
-HS/LD
(Typical Habitat: Starbucks)
Actually, I suppose I should have said "cashiers", plural, because this particular type is powerless without an accomplice. It's all about the pretentious, witty banter with these types- typically with one dishing out the lines and the other giggling and saying, "I KNOW! It's so TRUE!" Under normal social situations, this type of interraction would be harmless, but unfortunately the "I'm Cooler than You" cashiers treat their repartee as entertainment for the poor saps waiting in line that are forced to fake laugh as the cashiers practically shout their one-liners. My favorite, however, is when they reel in an unlucky customer to be part of the act by, perhaps, sarcastically denying them what they ordered, ("May I have [blank]?" "No, you may not."). This results in an awkward exchange of glances between the customer and the cashier, in which the customer isn't sure whether to force another fake laugh or reach across the counter and pound the Cashier's pierced face against the pastry display case. Unfortunately for all onlookers, the latter rarely happens.
The most mysterious aspect of this phenomenon is: who convinced these people that they are smart? I mean, they're serving coffee to working professionals who then go off to REAL jobs- what makes them feel that they are more intelligent than their customers? I think that I will blame it on the growing popularity of Liberal Arts Studies, specifically Philosophy and 20th-Century Literature, in America's colleges. But the bottom line remains: Yes, I too went to college and read Nietzsche, but I moved on. Now pour my damn coffee.
-LD
That's correct- they don't accept credit cards. Yes, there IS a sign! Next please.
-LD
Okay, I'm not going to be as harsh on this type of customer because, as much as it disgusts me to say it, I can sympathize. You know, it's the end of the week, it's been awhile since you last went to an ATM, you've got so much change that you're starting to feel like you're carrying around a George Costanza wallet- maybe you should try and use some of those heavy nickels and pennies on your next purchase. So the cashier tells you your total and, if you're lucky enough to be in a situation where the cashier has to bag your goods, you've got a few moments to dig out exact change and move the transaction along quickly. Unfortunately, if the cashier has nothing to bag, you have approximately five seconds to dig the change out of you wallet before the customers behind you start to become disgruntled. This process starts by catching the large quarters- ah, you're feeling confident now- then there's a nickel, a couple pennies, and...dear God, where did all the dimes go? Why is this happening to me? I just saw a shit load of dimes in here two seconds ago...where ARE they?!? Dear God, don't do this to me now! Then your heart starts beating and your hands start shaking, making you drop the two pennies back into the wallet. At least fifteen seconds have passed now- you can feel all eyes on you...so you pull out that easy-to-find twenty dollar bill to pay.
In those situations, I can sympathize. I DO NOT sympathize, however, when- wait, let me just take a moment to thank the CEO's of Dunkin Donuts for making one of the most efficient early morning stops that one can encounter. The way that the employees run around filling orders, pouring coffee, and ringing customers up you'd think their training would emulate certain scenes from "GI Jane", which is exactly the kind of training that is necessary for accommodating morning rush hour. Normally the patrons of Dunkin Donuts are returning customers who are used to the drill of yelling out their orders so that the employees can serve them in a timely manner. Every once in a while, though, a non-regular will enter the line and when they are asked for their order, they give the employees the "just a minute" finger as they peruse the menu...which thoroughly confuses the employees, who are likely thinking, "C'mon! It's either donuts, donuts, or donuts! Choose!" So from this moment the employee, and most likely the customers as well, are already annoyed by this obvious outsider. But the truly beautiful moment comes when all employees, all customers, and even some passersby stop and collectively roll their eyes as the outsider reaches into his pocket and slams down $1.42 in pennies and nickels. And more often than not, the communal moaning of the crowd can be felt within a ten mile radius- yet the only person who cannot feel the scutiny is the asshole with the exact change.
-LD
Never, under any circumstances, assume that customers are smart. Unfortunately, the corporate masterminds behind Jewel did just that when they introduced the self-checkout booths in their stores that allow the customers to scan their own items and pay without having to interract with any actual human beings. I'm not sure whether Jewel hoped to be more efficint with this system, or if they simply wanted to get rid of the expense of having cashiers; either way, their plan failed. Regular people do not have the scanning expertise that cashiers have, and therefore cannot come close to moving at the same speed as the 'old school' system. Plus, they are scanning AND bagging- activities that were previously performed by two separate professionals. Then when it comes to paying, you might as well add another five minutes to the transaction as the customer undoubtedly becomes confused by how to slide their card through the debit machine, (or, if it is a person that I know who will remain nameless, they take their bags and proceed towards a random employee in order to try to pay). And if Jewel had hoped to save money by employing less cashiers, they are out of luck because they now employ people who simply watch over the self-checkout machines in order to help with the numerous questions that the customers have. The only good thing that has come out of this system is that it is now incredibly easy to purchase alcohol without being carded. High Schoolers everywhere: REJOICE!
-LD