Smelly, Sweaty Spandex and other Joys of the Gym
Holly's Rules for the Gym
1. Thongs and spandex should never been worn at the same time. I don't care HOW skinny and buff you are.
2. 40 year old men should not wear faded orange spandex shorts without underwear. I had the pleasure of watching such a man run on a treadmill. Naturally I was directly behind him on a stationary bike. I was mesmerized by his bouncing bottom. After about 10 entertaining minutes, he got off the treadmill and turned around. If I was curious about what his penis and balls looked like before (which I was most definitely was NOT), I'm not anymore.
3. No matter how great the song is that you are listening to on your walkman, it's NEVER okay to sing out loud or emphasize beats with balled up fists thrusting in the air. I don't care how pumped up the song gets you, it's the most annoying thing you can possibly do...not to mention it makes you look like you are mentally retarded. (Editor's Note: If you ARE mentally retarded, thrust away, brother!)
4. For the love of God, please wipe down your pools of sweat that have accumulated on your machine after you're done working out. I discovered this horrible act of inconsideration AFTER I sat down on one that was NOT wiped down. Not a pleasant experience.
5. No matter how thirsty I am after running out of water, I will not drink from a water fountain that has a hair swishing in the middle of the drain.
6. It is never okay to try to pick up women at the gym. I don't care how many reps you did on this or that machine. After running a mile on the treadmill and sweating copiously, women do not want to be hit on when they most likely look their worst. It's more of an insult than a compliment.
7. There is no good excuse to bring your cell phone to the gym. Trying to hold a conversation while running on the treadmill is virtually impossible. An hour of being unreachable is not the end of the world.
Bursting the Bubble of the Typical Male Fantasy
After a hot and sweaty workout, I usually retreat to the locker room where, upon my entry, I am greeted with beautiful twenty-something blonde females performing various tasks such as applying make-up, rolling on their stockings, or drying their hair...all while topless. Sometimes the bashful may wear towels, but only around their waists. They all talk to each other, discussing topics ranging from current events to 'that hottie pumping the free weights'. And every now and then one of the girls will start a towel fight, causing a whirling tornado of giggling and bouncing and then...oh, wait...that was a National Lampoon movie.
I will never figure out which of the demented Hollywood minds created the image that resonates in the American subconscious upon the mention of the words 'girls locker room', but whoever it was, I'm guessing it wasn't a female. Or at least, not a heterosexual female. Or at least, not someone who has ever gone to the gym after a long day of work and been handed a key by a young gym employee who has managed the skill of conducting all business with one hand while playing computer solitaire with the other. Nor have they then proceeded to walk into the locker room in order to change, and upon searching for the numbered locker that matches the key in their hand, do their eyes suddenly meet the sagging, naked breasts of an old Asian woman. And they sure as hell did not then experience the horrific realization that the locker that they are looking for is located approximately 5 inches from the old woman's exposed pubic hair.
Now for the official bursting of the bubble, how many times has scenario 'A' happened to me? Zero.
How many times has scenario 'B' happened to me? My therapist advises me to not think about it...
-LD
Deodorant: Why is the Concept so Hard to Grasp?
A few simple swipes of deodorant in the morning takes all of ten seconds, but makes a world of difference to those who must share the same atmosphere with your stinking ass. Why then, does this seem to escape so many people's minds? I will admit, there have been a couple of times that I have hopped into the car in the morning and suddenly realized, "Oh my God, I forgot deodorant!" My reaction: no matter what my immediate plans were, finding a drugstore in which deodorant could be purchased jumped to priority number one. Unfortunately, many other people who experience this realization often have the following reaction: 'meh...' Then there are those who are 'foreign', and although they often view deodorant commercials on television, they have never quite gotten the hint and no one is willing to let them in on the reason why everyone keeps a five foot radius from them. Nevertheless, the deodorant-deprived always seem drawn to the workout machines that are directly next to yours. When the initial wiff of vinegar-like B.O. stings your nose, you quickly realize that the current situation goes far beyond the pure annoyance of standing next to a stinky person on an elevator or on a train- your situation, consisting of heart pumping and heavy breathing, has just become a fight for survival...and the smell will only get worse as your neighbor starts to work up a sweat. When turning your head to protect your nostrils from the foul stench proves futile, you decide to hold your breath, forgetting that your elliptical machine is set to level 12. Slightly short of passing out due to the lack of oxygen, you finally give up your machine to the next person in order to workout in a safer environment. And while watching from the clean air surrounding your new machine, you smile as your successor steps off the machine after only three minutes.
-LD
C'mon, People...
My gym has a typed sign taped to the water fountains that reads, "Please, no spitting in the water fountains." The fact that this sign is necessary is cause for many sleepless nights.
-LD
Office 101
Co-Worker Classification