Office 101
Co-Worker Classification
I don't care if you work at Merrill Lynch or McDonald's- everyone can relate to this one. Jokesters are almost always male and carry at least five horrible jokes (usually pun-based) in their minds at all moments of the day. During a run-in with a jokester, they will bombard you with at least three of these jokes and you will be forced to fake laugh through all of them- you may even have to extend your fake laugh in order to outlast the Jokester's own laughter (even though it is likely that they have already shared these jokes with numerous others and therefore the funniness should have diminished). Whenever I have worked with a Jokester, I often wonder, "Where on earth do they get all those damn jokes? Do they read their '101 Greatest Puns' book before work every day?" If you are one of the unfortunate souls whose cubicle is directly next to that of a Jokester, I'm truly sorry and you will be in my prayers.
Likes: Pollacks and Blondes
Dislikes: All forms of sincerity
Common Phrase: "Guy walks into a bar..."
-LD
This type of co-worker is able to find fault in every single aspect of life, ranging from the mundane, ("Who didn't refill the copy machine with paper?!"), to the even more mundane, ("Who left their dirty coffee cup in the sink?!"). The Complainer/Over-Achiever (or COA for short) often has a very obscure job title which allows them to take the liberty of wasting hours of company time in order to create elaborate computer signs instructing their co-workers on appropriate office procedures 'for the sake of everyone'. These signs are often spiced up with clipart and stylish fonts and proclaim important statements such as: "THESE DIXIE CUPS ARE FOR EVERYONE. RESPECT YOUR CO-WORKERS AND ONLY USE ONE CUP PER DAY!!!" Evidently, office workers tend to be blind and cannot read anything that is not in bold letters at a font size of 48.
Likes: Internet-imported clipart
Dislikes: People who don't wring out sponges. Don't they know that's how mold grows?
Common Phrase: "Who would do that? It's just common sense to..."
-LD
Unlike the COA, the CP has a very distinct job role within the company that was thoroughly explained to them prior to them being hired and often involves some manual labor. Upon being hired, however, the happy-to-do-anything prospective employee becomes a lazy internet surfer and the mere suggestion that they perform one of their daily duties is met by groaning and sighing. There are only two activities that the CP enjoys taking part in: 1. Computer Solitaire, and 2. Planning lunch for the day, which begins promptly at 10:00AM every morning. The one time when they will willingly get off their ass during the work day is when they walk around to the different cubicles collecting lunch suggestions (it should be noted that at least half the people that they CP approaches don't care about lunch and most likely aren't even hungry at this time- they may actually be preoccupied with work!).
Likes: (tie) Reading Web Blogs and take-out menus
Dislikes: Body movement
Common Phrase: "I can't do that now! Can't you see I'm busy?!"
-LD
The Corporate Lapdog is always the over-achieving loner in the office setting. They never fail to wear a suit to the office, despite the 'business casual' dress code, and they are often outfitted with nicer company bags and umbrellas than everyone else in the office. When conversing with a CLD, a worker should remember to never complain about any of the decisions of the upper management. Talking to a CLD should be a conversation of praise and admiration. Should you happen to share any constructive criticism with a CLD and later see them writing a long email with many quotation marks, you might as well start browsing monster.com once you get back to your desk.
Likes: No...LOVES: His Company
Dislikes: Promotions due simply to good work
Common Phrase: "I see..."
-LD
It started off as just a signature quote that followed their vital information on their emails...then it grew to weekly quotes in the bathroom stalls...eventually it became a daily email containing the 'Quote of the Day'. As a courtesy, they included a message at the bottom of the daily quote reading: "If you do not wish to receive the quote of the day, please contact me and I will remove you from the list",with the full knowledge that no one would actually have the balls to make such a request. Finding equal wisdom in all quotes, whether they are from the Bible, ("As Iron Sharpens Iron, so one man sharpens another" -Proverbs 27:17), or from popular athletes ("Don't count the days, make the days count" -Mohammed Ali), the QM doesn't discriminate the sources, no matter how irrelevant their statement may be.
Likes: Gandhi
Dislikes: Pessimism
Common Phrase: Actually, no one has ever heard the QM say anything.
-LD