So please join us in expanding your horizons of hatred!
Nowadays it's hard to imagine a world without cell phones. How did we used to get home from school? What did we do when our trains broke down on the way to work? How did we find family members at crowded theme parks? It was madness, I tell you...MADNESS! But luckily, cell phones made their way into the mainstream and I wouldn't be surprised if by now farmers are alerted of lunchtime by the subtle Nokia ring in the back pocket of their overalls. But I think that we all remember a time (hopefully, since it was just a few years ago) when cell phones were not as prevalent and they still carried an air of mystery and importance. "Suzanne has a phone...in her CAR?! It hooks up to her cigarette lighter?! Awesome!" I will admit that when I got my first cell phone I carried it around for a couple days begging for it to ring while I was surrounded by people so that they would glance over and think, "Well, she must be important!" Sadly, I eventually had to call my cell phone from my home phone in order to hear it ring for the first time...but that's beside the point. Now I dread having my phone ring in crowded places, for fear that it will be met with a rolling of eyes and a muffled, "That's sooo obnoxious...". Interestingly, in a world where even the most unimportant sixth-grader has a cell phone, there are still many people that think that cell phones are a symbol of importance. These are the people who leave their phones on during movies or church services- it seems that they still believe that everyone else will react to their ringing phone in a polite way, curiously wondering whether the person is a doctor, or a lawyer, or maybe even a police detective. No, you asshole, we all know by now that you are an insignificant member of our civilization who probably just received a call concerning such issues as "What's for dinner?" or "What are you doing Friday night?" The mystery is gone, so unless you're waiting for an organ to be donated, turn your damn phone off.
-LD
I like to think of myself as a pro-voicemail person. I'm so good at leaving messages that I have pretty much forgotten how to communicate with live people, so when voicemail is used properly, it helps me to efficiently conduct my business and social life. When used improperly, however, voicemail becomes a black-hole of frustration and helplessness. You leave messages that go unanswered, but you figure that you should wait a certain amount of time before leaving another message so you won't appear overly eager or impatient. And if it's a 'constant voicemail' person that you are trying to reach, (meaning that they never answer their phone), you have no way of getting a quick answer on the issue that you called them about. As a general rule, all voicemails should be answered within 24 hours, and if you exceed this amount of time, you should apologize for the delayed response. My favorite excuse given to me by people who don't return voicemails (it's been happening a lot recently for some reason...) is, "Oh, yeah, I'm sorry- I accidentally deleted your message". This is something that I have never personally experienced myself, and I think of myself as being just as jumpy on dialing pads as the next person. But when I get this response from someone who I talk to on a regular basis it amazes me that they never think to immediately call me following their erasing mishap in order to find out what the call was about. Does common sense exist anymore?
-LD
Like the classifications of types of talkers in a movie theater (see Chapter 3), there are many types of phone talkers who can make your life miserable. Here's just a few.
If this person could have a constant speaker-phone, they would be in heaven. The community talker likes to call you when they are surrounded by a group of friends- preferably a bunch of people that you don't know. The talker will carry on a conversation with you but will often interrupt in order to tell you something funny that someone in the room just said (which is often neither funny, nor related to what you were just talking about). As you talk, you quickly realize that the community talker is not listening because they are clearly more interested in what's going on with their friends, and when you state "so I got my head stuck in an elephant's ass today" and they reply with, "MmmHmm...that's nice", you realize that your conversation has officially become a waste of time. My advice is to simply hang-up because they won't realize that you've done so for ten minutes anyway.
-LD
Learning how to properly use a phone has somehow never made it onto the priority list of the Clueless Talker. This person is unable to grasp the idea that talking on the phone is unlike talking in person, with the big difference being the inability for the talkers to see one another while on the phone. Therefore this person may choose to gesture wildly with their hands, roll their eyes, or shrug their shoulders, thinking that their body language will somehow be transferred through the phone line. The best, however, is the person who thinks that comfortable silence can exist during phone calls. Comfortable silence is acceptable in a number of social situations, but the main criteria is for the people to be able to see one another- that way, you can appear to be busy taking part in another activity, such as eating or people-watching. The main reason that phones exist is to TALK. When that exits the equation, there is no reason for the phone call.
-LD
The Two Birds Talker is perhaps the most obnoxious of all talkers. This variety takes their cell phone everywhere and will attempt to talk on the phone while performing other daily tasks. The Two Birds Talker is the one who is taking forever to pay while in line at the grocery store because they are busy talking on the phone. They are also the weirdo who is talking on the phone while getting their hair cut or their nails done (think about it...it doesn't quite work). Once again, I have a favorite sub-category, which is the person who talks on the phone in a restaurant while dining with others (or maybe just one other person, which should be illegal due to the explosive amount of rudeness involved). If you are unfortunate enough to have to suffer through a meal trying to act enthralled by the cloth napkins or the wine list while this type finishes his phone call, you should have full permission to pelt them with bread rolls until they hang up.
-LD
