Restaurants:
You Got Served!
For some reason, chain restaurants never take reservations, and consequently always have hoards of people waiting to be seated. So, upon entering the restaurant, you work through the crowd of people to the hostess stand and are told that there is an hour and a half wait for a table of four. The waitress takes your name and gives you a buzzer, and you retreat to your friends and begin discussing the possibility of going across the street to Applebee's, or Chili's, or Outback, or Cheddar's...but then give in to the fact that they are all likely to be equally as crowded. If you're smart, you send off a friend to get drinks from the bar. If you're even smarter, you designate another friend to be the seating scout, who will alert everyone of an empty bench in the waiting area. After doing this, you settle in to wait out your...um...wait. Within the first fifteen minutes, you use up all the conversation pieces that you had hoped to use during dinner, and are left with nothing better to talk about than the weather or the holidays. By the time forty-five minutes rolls around, paranoia sets in and you become convinced that every group being seated arrived after you, and they are only being seated because the hostess is sexist/racist/homophobic, etc. After an hour and fifteen minutes, you set your eyes on a table of four that has paid their check, but appears to be sitting and talking, showing no signs of leaving the table. Therefore, you stare at them and give a look of starvation mixed with desperation until they feel uncomfortable enough to leave. Victory is yours! At least, if you were next on the list.
-LD
The waiting process is a little different if you are a smoker, or plan to sit in the smoking section (I swear I don't smoke, Mom...I just, uh, like the smell). Most chain restaurants don't have a seating list for the smoking section. Instead, it's every smoker for himself, as you are expected to grab a table whenever one becomes available. Sounds okay in theory, but considering that the ratio of seats to smokers is somewhere in the range of 5 to 47, this can be quite dangerous. To me, this seems a little like 'Gladiator'. The superior 'non-smokers' look down on the animal-like 'smokers' from their cushy seats as groups of smokers duke it out over a table and the chance to be fed. If the 'ruling' hostess extended her arm to give a 'yay' or 'nay' with her thumb in order to indicate whether or not the triumphant group would be visited by their waiter within twenty minutes, that would truly convince me of the sick entertainment that these establishments take part in.
-LD
There are many different types of waiters that you can get in a chain restaurant, but the most prevalent is the overly enthusiastic teenager who is eager to have you try their new Sampler Platter (2 points) or perhaps a Rootin' Tootin' 'Rita (5 points). I also enjoy how many restaurants have their waiters get down on their knees to take your order- it makes me feel like an Egyptian pharoah. Despite the strict guidelines that the waitstaff is expected to follow by their corporate headquarters, it's very likely that when you send your waiter away, you will never see them again unless it is on their scheduled 'drop in'. The typical schedule seems to be:
1 minute: greet table, explain specials, take drink orders.
4 minutes: return with drink orders, take food orders.
9 minutes: bring out salads/appetizers.
13 minutes: bring out entrees.
13.5 minutes: make sure customers are satisfied with food (make sure you do this when their mouths are stuffed with food).
30 minutes: Take dessert orders or process check.
33 minutes: Return with change. Never talk to customers again.
45 minutes: Act annoyed when the customers order water.
55 minutes: Glare at customers, who appear to be deep in converstion and show no sign of leaving. Don't they know that you need a new table with more paying customers and more tips to help you earn more money for college?!?
100 minutes: Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Send busboy to clear their table and have him do a very long and slow scrub down of the table, offering them the hint that it's time for them to get the hell out.
102 minutes: Smile and wave as customers leave table...but give them the finger in your mind.
-LD
Okay, returning to the customer after that slight tangent...
The beauty of chain restaurants is their jaw-dropping reliability. No matter which chain you go to, the same items are going to be on the menu, just with different names that reflect the restaurants distinct theme. Therefore, after your group decides to order an Awesome Blossum, a.k.a. Texas Rose, a.k.a. Boomin' Onion, a.k.a...you get the point...you know that for your entree, you can choice from any number of hamburgers cooked medium-well, or perhaps peruse the list of ten types of chicken fingers. It's also very likely that they currently have some sort of drink special involving a 32 oz. Margarita. Then, when it comes time for dessert, you better leave room for your choices of an apple pie with ice cream, a big brownie with ice cream, or a trademarked Oreo ice cream cake. Just for shits and giggles, see if you can confuse the waiter with the words 'creme brulee'...fun times...
-LD
Young Americans at their Finest