It came on me
like a bolt from the blue
shivers
pain in my bones
rubbery legs
sweaty
short of air
afraid I was going to die.
I got so I could barely take care of the kids.
It was hard to get them off to school
hard to think what to cook for supper
hard to get them into their pj's and off to bed.
I went to the doctor
hoping for some antibiotics
and maybe even a muscle relaxer
but he put me in the hospital
in the Psychiatric Ward.
I couldn't believe it!
The next thing I knew
Mom came to help Larry with the kids
and I was assigned a psychiatrist.
I didn't like him.
He was a big hairy man
with black eyebrows thicker than a mustache
who rarely talked
and didn't seem to like me.
One time he told me that
he was a more pragmatic and laid-back person
than I was
and I felt like he was criticizing me.
Another time he told me
that women nowadays were lucky
because they didn't have to use scrub-boards
to do the wash anymore
and that they should all be
more grateful for what they had.
That just made me mad at him.
My roommate had a death-wish
because that's mostly what she talked about
ways to die
so since she depressed me
I spent most of my time
in the solarium
watching TV.
I felt like I would rather be home
because at least I would be trying
to get better.
After a while they rotated my psychiatrist
to another hospital
and I got a new one
Dr. Morgan
and I liked him right away
because he said to me
"I want you to tell me what's bothering you."
So that started me to thinking
and I wondered at first
if I was sick at heart because my kids were all in school
but that didn't hit me as the answer
because I had started to write stories
for religious and confession magazines
and last year I had made over five hundred dollars
and the truth was
I was looking forward to having some time alone
to write
during the day.
Mom visited me
and she told me she thought
I had been pushed out of the nest too soon
and that was the cause of my sickness.
But I had gotten over that.
It was way back in the past
and I didn't feel that was the answer either.
One day Dr. Morgan said to me
"How is your marriage?"
and I felt like I had been hit in the stomach
with a fist.
I told him I was too sick
to talk about that
and could I go lay down and take a nap.
But of course that was it.
I didn't have the kids around
all day
to use up my thoughts and feelings
on them
and so all those nasty miserable feelings
lonesomeness
resentment
anger
were following me around the house
driving me crazy.
My 30 days of insurance coverage
were used up
and I had to leave
and Dr. Morgan said to me
"I think you should go home to your Mom
for a little while
while you make decisions
about yourself and your marriage and your life
because she can help you get back up
when you are scared."
And the day I was leaving
he came to my room
and said
"Now remember, don't pick on yourself.
Show yourself some compassion."
The minute I stepped in the door
at home
I got the shakes again
even though the kids were glad to see me
and jumping up and down.
Mom was there
and she had packed everybody's clothes
and gotten plane tickets
and Larry came home
and took us all to the airport
and didn't seem to mind a bit
that his whole family was up and leaving him.
The kids were excited
and scared
and held onto me and Mom during take-off
but when we went to land
in New York City
our plane missed the runway
and we landed with one wheel in the Hudson River.
By the time we got the kids down the chute
and Daddy had picked us all up
upset because he thought Mom might have gotten hurt
I was exhausted
shaky
sweaty
pains in my bones
no air
and I fell fast asleep
with Annabelle squirming on my lap.
I had a dream
that Larry was on a plane
coming to be with us
but even in the dream I knew it wasn't true.
Music Playing: Are You Lonesome Tonight
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