I think that

when you get older

death becomes a part of your life.

You feel it standing at your elbow.

You feel it looking over your shoulder.

You dream about it.

In my dream

my best friend Jackie

and I

are at a Mall

doing our Christmas shopping.

All the stores were boutiques

and we wanted department stores

where we could buy pretty tops

jackets

scarves

for our daughters

and daughters-in-law.

So we hopped on a commuter plane

to go to another Mall.

I took the window seat

which I normally don't like

but Jackie is more scared of flying

than me

so I let her sit

close to the aisle

so she could escape

if she needed to.

Suddenly the noisy drone

of the engines

stopped

and we were headed straight down.

I knew I was going to die.

As we plummeted through the treetops

I noticed the setting sun

glinting off green and silver leaves

and just below us

a field full of crabgrass

thistles

Creeping Charlie

and I knew that was where I would cease to exist

in the next millisecond.

Amazingly, I felt calm.

All my fears

struggles

aches and pains

left me

leaving nothing but the core

the essence

of myself.

We hit the earth with a terrible jolt

and I was released into a flood of light.

It woke me up

and for a minute

I didn't know if I was alive or dead.

But then Papi dog snorted in his sleep

I felt Wes's breath on my face

and saw the moon through the sheers

on my bedroom window.

I was glad that I was alive.

But I have changed

with age

in other ways

than just dreaming about death.

When I was younger

I was so passionate

about politics.

I griped and complained

about taxes

and even joined an American Taxpayers Group.

But today

I can't feel that passion

anymore.

I just sit here at my computer

and let it all flow past me

because I feel like

there's nothing I can do about anything

and trying so hard makes me nervous.

When I was younger

I thought I was special.

I thought that someday

I would blaze a trail

help millions of people

leave a mark on the world.

But now I know I am ordinary.

I won't blaze any trails

or leave my mark

because I don't want to put out the effort

it takes to be somebody special.

When I was younger

my personal relationships

with family friends coworkers

were so intense!

But now I don't get too involved.

I have come to realize that I don't have

all the right answers

and that, even if I did

nobody would listen to me.

They are all young

passionate

intense.

It's their time to strive

and worry

and try to change things

and I don't envy them a bit.

because

I like not having to wake up every morning

to the blast of the alarm

with a long list of worries

and chores

and "musts"

ahead of me.

I like it that I can stretch

and yawn

and check the weather out the window

and pad into the bathroom in my bare feet

and yawn again

and step into the shower

without any idea of what time it is.

Of course, I pay for this.

I pay with flab

and sags

and wrinkles

and my hair doesn't curl so easily

and this past summer I bought longer shorts

to hide my jiggly legs

and I don't like scoop-necked blouses anymore

because I have a turkey neck

and Death is coming ever closer

bringing with it frequent colds

and bronchitis

and crampy legs

blurry eyes

painful teeth

rheumatoid arthritis

tiredness

heart palpitations

bones that look like swiss cheese

no more cashews..

YIKES! I LOVE CASHEWS!

Oh well.

I guess what I'm trying to say

in this long and rambling tale

is that old age is another phase of living

but there are no mysteries about how it ends.

It ends in a hallelujah!

And a "thank you" to the Lord

that I had a life to live.

A Beckoning Light
Copyright Jonathon Earl Bowser,
used with permission 

Music Playing: One Day At A Time
This page contains copyrighted material
©2001

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