pastupdates

9.29.03 She's a dancer who doesn't dance. He's a painter who doesn't paint. It's like a boho version of the Island of Misfit Toys....
I saw this crossing guard today standing on the corner of Kingsley and Skillman and he made me smile. He was waving at everybody and just grinning. I like people who are really good and serious about jobs that may not seem important to most of the world. I mean, if you're gonna be a crossing guard, be a damn good one and use it as an opportunity to make someone's day a little better. It's like MLK Jr. said "If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven played music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well".
10.1.03 I guess that your truth, is just the ghost of your lies.....
Wow, I really need to stop listening to Bright Eyes...But anyway, life is good. I got my new Dave cd, which is amazing, of course, because it's Dave, and I am going to marry him someday because he is amazing and beautiful and he writes lyrics like
"I love you oh so well , like a kid loves candy and fresh snow..." Yeah....don't listen to anything I say....I'm happy because it's October which means I can stay inside and listen to Nick Drake in my new coat and wrap up in a blanket and hide under covers. Fall is a good time for me. The colors are good and the weather is right.
10.5.03 When I was little, my mom never let me climb on top of the car...what now, MOTHER???
Very good weekend so far. Friday I drove around with Kathleen and Whitney and we met up with Whitney's friends Daniel ("Do you know what a praying mantis is? Well, you might not like them but if you got to know them you would. I had one named Tim and I called him Timmy and he looked at me with his big eyes. He was really cute...") and Clark in the Starbucks parking lot. May not sound too fun, but it was...And then last night I went to see Spector 45 play at the Liquid Lounge and they were awesome as always...So its been a good weekend and its only half over!
10.7.03 You know what your gangsta name is? Scarlet Begonia!
I hate choir. I love my friends.
10.9.03 Did you tell your friend to say thank you for helping her get her Sun Chips? I have very strong hands....
Man, lunch is fun. John provides us with a never-ending stream of entertainment, but today was the high point of the year so far. Chuck and John had a d a n c e-o f f.
Complete with pirouettes and the robot and spins and twirls.
The entire cafeteria was silent, watching in shock and amazement, but at our table we were practically peeing in our pants we were laughing so hard.
Oh man.
Good times.
10.11.03 John Lennon sucks
Hee hee hee. Happy happy happy.
10.13.03 I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles.....
Ok, so today's little quote comes from an amazing book I'm reading, On the Road by Jack Kerouac. It's about this writer who decides to give up his whole life and hitchike from the East coast to the West coast. He describes the people he meets and the places he sees and makes it seem so real. The book takes place in the late forties or early fifties, when something like hitchiking across the country was not an entirely impossible thing. It's a real shame, because thats something I would absolutely love to do. Just drop everything and explore and meet really interesting people and just see everything. I mean, I'm someone who is completely content just to sit in her little room and read about someone else's adventure, but sometimes I think it would be fun to have a few of my own....Yeah, so sorry for writing so much today, that book is just so amazing. It makes me think.
10.15.03 There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson......
I hate to see people I love get hurt by those they love. It kills me, it really does. Because not only is it hard to see my friends upset, it makes it even more difficult for me to trust people. It's things like this that make me terrifed of really loving someone, because I'm so freaking scared of getting crushed. Love is such a huge risk, because you give so much of yourself.
I don't know, I'm a mess.....
10.17.03 Thank God it's Friday...
This has been the longest week of my entire life...Wow...I'm in BCIS and I'm bored out of my skull because Tracy just left me. And my mind has been fried from this endless week so I have nothing to write...So bye...
10.21.03 I like too many things and get all confused and hung up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. (jack kerouac)
It's just one of those times. Everyday is either way up or way down. I apologize to the people who are having to put up with me through this. I have such good friends.
10.25.03 I may not have candy, but I've got mustard!
I miss hanging out with Scott and Travis and Robert. Sorry I haven't been around...
10.27.03 They say its your birthday...duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh....well it's my birthday too, yeah...
Wow, the day turned out so much better than I expected. I got good presents and cards from all my favorite people and I got a really cool hat and my grandpa is doing a tad bit better and Big Boy John and Chuck danced for me at lunch (!) and when I came home I got a cheesecake and a chance to spend some time with one of my favorite people in the whole world...So all in all, a good day.
11.7.03 You've got to admit, it's getting better, a little better all the time....
Wellllllll....I've got nothing to say. Things are good though, better than they've been in a loooong time. I smile a lot.

....and 5 minutes later...ok, I was just thinking about what I just wrote. Things are not all that good. My grandpa's dying, my grades are slipping, my relationships with almost every single one of my friends are going from bad to worse to unfixable. But I'm okay. I really am. It amazes me.
11.19.03 I was at the army surplus store the other day, Mr. German, and I saw some night vision goggles, and I couldn't help but think of who invented them....
I'm really digging Henry David Thoreau right now. If you read "Walden", you'll understand.
"This whole earth which we inhabit is but a point in space.....What sort of space is that which separates a man from his fellows and makes him solitary? I have found that no exertion of the legs can bring two minds much nearer to one another."
11.21.03 You have your fear, which might become reality; and you have Godzilla, which IS reality.
Ok....I'm gonna do a little talking about religion today. It's something I've been struggling with lately. Well, actually it's been something that I've been struggling with for a few years, ever since I asked myself "If I hadn't been raised as a Christian, would I still believe in all that crap?" And my answer was NO. If I was to choose a religion based on my observations of the people who were following that religion, Christianity would be last on the list. Christianity is supposedly about trying to be like Jesus Christ, trying to be perfect. If Christians are following Jesus' example, that are doing a terrible job of it. Jesus was an accepting, welcoming man to people of all walks of life. Prostitutes, tax collectors, the scum of society. He condemned NONE of them. Yet, Christians seem to be the most prejudiced, close-minded people around. The Christians I know condemn gay people and druggies and anyone who doesn't fit with their image of what people should be like, and by doing this they are doing the exact opposite of what Christians are supposed to do. Christianity has become a social thing. Church is used as a forum for Sunday morning gossip, and things like youth groups and Young Life are used as an excuse to flirt and talk behind other people's backs. It makes me sick.
So anyway, I've been researching other religions, mainly Buddhism and Transcendentalism. These are religions that are truly about God and about spirituality and about peace and good things. Buddhism stresses the idea that nothing lasts forever and we should live in the here and now. Christians tend to put to much emphasis on apologizing for the past and trying to do good so that in the future, when they die, they can have their place in heaven. In Buddhism, Earth can be your heaven or your hell, it's how you decide to make it. I stumbled across a statement Buddha said and I think it says a lot about how our outlook on life should be. "Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die." We should be content with every second because every second can be so good.
All I know about Transcendentalism so far is what I've learned from reading some of Emerson and Thoreau's essays. It's basically about God, nature, and yourself and that by being solitary in nature, you can become closer to God. It's a lot like Buddhism in many respects.
I guess the main thing that I like about these religions and that I find is lacking in Christianity is that in Buddhism and Transcendentalism it's ok to be who you are. Buddha taught his followers to follow their own path and be their own guide. In Christianity we are constantly being told to be more God-like, which is impossible because we are all human and imperfect. I don't want to constantly have to be comparing myself to God or Jesus Christ because it's basically irrelevant because I will never be God or Jesus Christ. Buddhism allows you room to question and doubt, where in Christianity you are asked to follow blindly. I just want to do good and be who I am and be closer to God.
Right now I don't know what I believe. I need to do some more learning and soul searching.
11.28.03 "You hear what I said, Miss Kubelik? I absolutely adore you." " Shut up and deal."
Best Thanksgiving break ever. I got to stay home and watch "the Apartment" on Wednesday, and I got to eat and see my favorite person in the whole wide world on Thursday and today I got to see a really great HUGH GRANT movie. Hurray. Hurray hurray hurray.
12.1.03...and you will believe in love...
Isn't it amazing how two months can seem like two (beautiful) seconds?
12.8.03 Teddy graham attack...last day of school...oh yeeeeah...
The day turned out five million times better than I hoped. I got to see Brandi and Luma and Frankie and Kathleen and I got to eat ice cream and listen to ghetto music and the Police in Luma's new car and all in all it just wasn't a bad day and it's almost Christmas which means more sleep and more movies and more driving around with friends and just a whole lot of happiness and that's good. And that was a long sentence.