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All I Want for X-Mas is World Peace

Ever since I was a little kid, I've had one thing on my Christmas list that I never, ever receive: world peace. Alongside my heartfelt pleas for G.I. Joes and video games, I always hoped that Santa Claus had room in his sleigh for love and understanding between all the peoples of the world. Apparently there never was. This year was no different than the rest, but there were a multitude of items dumped on me that weren't on my list.

For instance, I'm pretty sure I didn't ask for the threat of nuclear war. North Korea recently announced that it's withdrawing from the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty, saying that it has the right to develop nukes to defend itself.

North Korea is a nation that you definitely do not want possessing weapons capable of instantly stir-frying billions of people. Its President, Kim Jong Il, reportedly has the habit of paying unannounced visits to Russia in an armored train packed with a harem of beautiful singing girls and having the state-run news agency report that a divine halo appeared over a sacred mountain on his birthday. If you've ever seen a James Bond movie, you'll know these are classic trademarks of a psychotic dictator. The halo, by the way, was supposedly shaped like a flower named after Kim.

What makes this situation even more depressing is that just a few months ago North Korea looked like it was on the road to making the world a better, happier place by normalizing relations with its neighbors. Now, it's making crazy threats about starting World War III and seeing who would win in a nuclear showdown with the United States.

I'm hoping that Kim is just jealous of all the attention Saddam Hussein is getting from President Bush. With any luck, North Korea doesn't actually have nuclear weapons, and this is all a desperate cry for attention from the world. But I've learned not to get my hopes up when it comes to global politics.

Of course, Bush can't focus his attention on the more visible, and arguably more immediate threat of North Korean nukes since he's devoting all of his considerable mental faculties to the war on Iraq. This brings us to my second unwanted present: Santa seems to have gotten CNN's wish for another war to boost ratings mixed up with my request for world peace. With thousands of troops being shipped off to the Persian Gulf, we're reaching the point of no return; Bush can't withdraw or back down without looking like an ass. Unfortunately, without definite proof of weapons of mass destruction, he also can't fully commit to war without angering the global community. Not that that's stopping him, which begs the question of whether a country led by a gung-ho cowboy should have nukes either.

Someone needs to give Bush math lessons and a calculator next Christmas; waging a war with a multi-billion dollar price tag isn't going to reduce the nation's climbing deficit.

The impending war in the Middle East brings us to my third unwanted present: the new crop of cars unveiled at the 2003 Detroit Auto Show. Trucks and SUVs are going to be bigger, badder, and packed with oversized 1000-horsepower engines. Hey, even soccer moms need to go from 0-60 miles per hour in less than a second.

Pushing bigger, more expensive cars in the middle of a horribly slumping economy? Throwing fuel-efficiency out the window with a war in the Middle East looming on the horizon? Sounds good to me! Yes sir, nothing stimulates the nation's economy like rolling out a fleet of overpriced, gas-guzzling monstrosities -- provided the nation we're talking about is located in the Middle East.

On the plus side, with all those greenhouse gasses these subdivisions-on-wheels put out, it looks like anybody who's been asking for beachfront property is going to get their wish granted. Invest now! The Midwest is going to be prime real estate once the polar ice caps melt.

Actually, I take that back; these SUVs of Doom are the best thing to happen to the environment in a long time. Our fuel supply won't last long with these behemoths lumbering along the highways of America, and when it's all gone the auto industry will finally have to switch to clean, alternative energy sources. Either that or we'll all be forced to walk.

But given how sedentary the average American is, some couch jockey would probably invent miniature cold-fusion generators before it came to that. If there's one thing to be proud of about being American, it's that we're fanatically motivated when it comes to preserving our lazy lifestyles.

All things considered, I'm a pretty decent guy. I say my prayers, eat my vitamins, and haven't been convicted of any major crimes against society. So why is it that year after year Santa never brings me that one gift I really want? I spent some time thinking about it and came to four possible conclusions:

1.) No Virginia, there is no Santa Claus. There is no fat, jolly elf delivering presents and Christmas cheer.

2.) Santa hates me.

3.) Santa was defeated and replaced by Bizarro Santa. This twisted, mirror Santa awards naughty children their darkest desires and leaves coals in the stockings of good girls and boys -- if you've been especially virtuous, the coals are red-hot and the stockings are still on your feet when he delivers your special gift. Meanwhile, corrupt CEO's are granted cushy cabinet positions, and insane dictators are rewarded with bevies of beautiful Asian girls (I was wondering how you got those…).

4.) Whether Santa exists or not, we can't rely on some magical, nigh-omnipotent being to hand us world peace in a neatly wrapped package. Hey, it wouldn't be a holiday column without a little moral philosophizing.

Originally published in the January 17, 2003 edition of the Cornell Daily Sun as On The Chockboard: All I Want for X-Mas is World Peace

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