Chapter 18
Toni sat up in her room. It had been almost a year since she last saw any of her friends. She moved out of the house where she was staying with Alessia, Sandra, Patricia and Helen because nothing was really working out. Alessia refused to talk to her, and they would often fight every night during dinner. The times when there was no fighting going on was that when Toni would lock herself in her room and refuse to go down, or when Alessia would be going out with other friends to eat.
She looked around her, her heart aching terribly. She felt so incomplete. It had been months that she’s been feeling that way. She didn’t have any friends… she didn’t have anybody at all. Toni didn’t want to go back home. She didn’t want to seem like a total failure. Instead, she studied harder, pouring everything that she had on her studies. Some even thought that she was obsessed with it, and some thought she was just a complete nerd. She never went out, it just depressed her more to see people having a good time while she felt so miserable. She was also working part time for a radio station and there was a lot of progress already. She had sent in a demo tape when she heard they were looking for disc jockeys. She got a call and they told her that she was hired. When she got there, she suddenly found out that she was hired as a secretary of some manager there. It was all a cruel joke, but she took the job anyway. Until one day when the dj who was supposed to be on air in fifteen minutes gave a call and said he couldn’t make it. That phone call started Toni’s budding career as a successful dj. Sure it wasn’t that much to be proud of but she loved it. She loved anything that had to do with music and media. She was practically pushed into the booth, given a few instructions and left on her own. She was totally nervous and she didn’t know what to say. Before she knew it, she was on air. The first 10 minutes were just terrible. And that was minus the songs and commercial breaks. She just excused herself to the listeners and told them that the regular dj couldn’t make it. It was so much fun and she gradually forgot all about how nervous she was. It was an all-request show and she loved every single minute of it. The only low point in it was when a girl had phoned in and requested for the latest Westlife song, and started asking her about any new information regarding the band. Toni told the girl that she was sorry, she really didn’t know much of what the band has been up to lately for the past few months. Which was totally true. Way back then, Mark or the others would call her and tell her where they were… when everything was fine between her and Mark that is. Now, Nicky and the others would call her on her mobile phone, but she never answered it. She just let it ring on and on. She wanted to move on, but she just couldn’t hide from the past. Everywhere she went she’d see posters of Westlife, pictures of them on the magazines, articles on them in the newspapers, their records playing in every mall or restaurant. They were all over the place. She just told the girl that she’d announce any Westlife news that she could find next time, and then she played the song. It was all that she could do from crying. Mark’s voice seemed to haunt her, awakening all the hurt and buried love that she felt for him inside. Toni was then handed a piece of paper brandishing the latest Westlife news the staff could find. She read it, and she felt like the whole world had fallen upon her. She announced the news cheerfully, even if she was dying inside. “Well, all you Westlife fans out there, they’ll be having a world tour so better be on the look out for the dates. And, it’s official, no longer a rumor! Mark Feehily is going out with Alessia from the band called Destiny. Oh, and Destiny is doing very well even outside the UK so congratulations to the girls. They’ll also be the one of the opening acts for the Westlife World tour, so better watch out for them too.” And with that, she went on a commercial break. She wanted to cry but she just couldn’t. She suddenly chuckled a bit, knowing that all across the globe, thousands of girls would be crying their eyes out at the moment. Little did she know that the lads had been on a short break, and they happened to be listening in. Bryan, Kian and Shane were arguing if it was the Toni that they know, or if it was someone else with the same name. They tried calling in but the lines were busy, and as usual, she wasn’t picking up her mobile phone. Mark just looked at Nicky, quite angrily but it didn’t matter anymore. He was with Alessia now, and that’s all that matters. Nicky and Alessia never got back together even after Toni had left. It had been about three months since Alessia had finally decided to move on. She often went to Mark for comfort. No one understood her the way he did. They both knew what it was like to be betrayed by your friend and by someone you love. But deep inside, they both knew they were wrong. It was their foolish prides that got the best of them, keeping them away from the ones that they truly love. Maybe they did deserve each other then. Nicky, on the other hand, couldn’t accept the fact that Alessia didn’t believe him. He also tried explaining to her but she just wouldn’t hear of it. It took him more than six months to move on, and he kept crying every time he saw Mark and Alessia together. It was killing him to see them so happy together. It was as if Alessia was deliberately making him jealous, making him feel guilty and sorry for a “crime” that he didn’t commit. He started going out with a girl named Loraine, who he had met in the Philippines, which where Toni was from. She’s a vj in MTV Asia, and he had liked her instantly. There was something so different about her that it made her stand out from the rest, even though in his heart, he knew she could never take Alessia’s place. No one could… ever. Maybe it was fate, he decided, for he later found out that she was moving to London, England to be a vj for MTV Europe instead. One night he talked to her about Toni, and surprise, surprise… Toni and Loraine were friends way back since their freshmen year in high school. They had two other friends as well, Dolores and Agatha. She told Nicky all the wild and funny stuff that they did together back then. They still communicated with each other through email, but Toni really didn’t tell her about them. She just said she was going out with a guy named Mark, and that they broke up because of loads of complications. She didn’t even say what they were, she just said that it was too painful to say all over again.
The next day of the same show, the dj who was supposed to be there instead of Toni the day before got loads of questions, asking where Toni was, why wasn’t she there. There were even compliments that she was a great one for a beginner, that they enjoyed the show yesterday. After that, life became somehow, better for Toni. She now had two things to keep her preoccupied. Two things that kept her sane, kept her from reminiscing about the past. Which were her studies and her job. She had been given her own time slot, even if it was just for an hour, but she loved it.
She looked around her once again. She looked rather content but there was no denying it. She was lonely. She was still far too young but she’s been through a lot. She should be out, having fun on a Friday night instead of being locked up in her house. It was her own small sanctuary, but who was she kidding? It felt more of a prison to her. She got out of bed, feeling energetic. The night was still young, and for once in almost a year, she had never felt like this. Toni showered, put on a nice dress, fixed her hair and put on the tiniest hint of make up. She went out, with no idea where she was going at all. Tonight she will have loads of fun. She’s been trapped for too long and it was about time that she had gotten over the past and start all over again. A year was just too much she couldn’t believe that she lasted that long. “You’re not the only man in this world, Mark Feehily! There’s loads out there far more better than you, and they’re waiting for me.” she thought, a smile spreading on her lips as she called for a taxi. But something in the back of her mind told her not to go. Ignoring it, she got in. She was determined to have the time of her life.