Chapter 12
and staring at the ceiling. All I wanted was to reach out
for him and touch him, run my fingers through his hair, but I couldn’t.
“Hi Bryan…”, I could see he didn’t expect to hear my
voice and he quickly sat up and turned around to look at
me. When I saw how much he’d been crying and the hurt
look on his face I really hated myself. How could I do that to him?
“What are you doing here?”
“Bryan, we need to talk”, I sat beside him on the bed.
“Do we? I thought you said everything you had to say
yesterday. You made yourself perfectly clear.”
“Please don’t be like that… I’m really sorry about
yesterday, I shouldn’t have said those things. I love you,
can’t you please give me another chance?” I looked at
him, but the love I was used to see in his eyes was no
longer there, instead his eyes were filled with hurt, pain and anger.
He got up and walked towards the window.
“For the last few weeks I’ve been the happiest man alive.
You’ve made me the happiest man alive and I thought
that we would be together forever, that you would never
hurt me… but you did. More than you might ever know
and eventhough my words yesterday were different, I
don’t know if I’m willing to take that chance again…” I felt
a strong pain in my heart as those words left his lips.
“I’m so sorry Bryan…” I knew I had to say something
more, but I couldn’t, I cried and my voice kept breaking
as I tried to talk. Neither of us said anything for a few
minutes, but then he finally broke the silence,
“I’ve just had the worst night of my life because of you
and now all of a sudden you’ve changed your mind! Why?”
He turned to face me and I guess seeing the hurt in his
eyes gave me the strength I needed to tell him exactly how I felt.
“My heart…”, I softly whispered, “My heart made me
change my mind. I didn’t listen to it before, but then I did
this morning and I realized that there’s no way I could
ever live without you.”, I saw the shimmer of a tear in his
right eye as I spoke. I got up from the bed and started
walking around the room as I spoke to him directly from
my heart. “When I moved here from Sweden, I didn’t
really know what to expect. To be honest I was absolutely terrified, I left
everyone that I love and moved halfway around the world
to work in a foreigen city and the only ones I knew here
I’d only talked to over the Internet, so scared doesn’t
even begin to describe how I was feeling…”, he didn’t
move an inch as I talked, his eyes were fixated on me as
he, without interrupting listened to what I had to say. I
continued, “Then I met you and my whole world was
turned around. You brought out feelings in me I didn’t
even know existed, I wanted to spend every moment with
you.” Both of us were now crying, but I took a deep breath and finished what I
wanted to say. “My life hasn’t been easy the last few
years, I’ve lost count on how many nights I’ve cried
myself to sleep and sometimes I didn’t think I could
handle anymore. I felt like noone understood me,
eventhough it was probably just me not giving them a chance…
But you… you understand me like noone else, just by
smiling at me or saying a few special words you make
me feel better. I know that you will always be there for me
when I need you and I will always be there for you, Bryan.
My whole life I’ve felt like there was a part of me missing,
but I never knew what it was until now…
The last few weeks, for the first time in my life, I’ve felt
complete. You are that part Bry, you are the part that
fullfills my life, you are my soulmate… my love…”, I
couldn’t say anymore, tears were now flowing down my
cheeks. I sank down on the bed and put my head in my hands.
He didn’t say anything for a few minutes and the silence was killing me.
“Please say something Bryan… anything…” I couldn’t
bare look at him. I didn’t dare to look at him, what if he
still had that look of anger in his eyes?
I felt his hand as it softly carressed mine. He put his
other hand under my chin and slowly lifted my head so
that I had to look into his blue eyes. He had knelt infront
of me and was holding both of my hands in his.
“I’m sorry Bryan… I never meant to hurt you. I love you…”
I felt my heart slowly healing when I saw a smile form on
his lips. He put his arms around me and the feeling I had
when he did this and I once again felt the security if
holding him close is indescribable. He put his mouth
against my ear and softly whispered, “I love you too, my anamcara…”