Chapter 18
words that I’d been saying at least twice a day for the
last two months. My friends and family could see that
something was bothering me and because of that they
asked me how I was several times a day. I always gave
them the same answer, but everytime I said it, I was
lying. I wasn’t fine, but to be able to get on with my life I
had to convince myself that I was. It was only Sara and
my brother who knew the real reason why I’d left Sydney
so soon. I’d told the others about the hotel closing down,
but nothing about what happened between me and Bryan on my last night.
When I left Australia two months ago, everyone came to
see me off at the airport. Everyone, except Bryan… Kian
told me that Bryan wanted to come more than anything,
but since he didn’t think I wanted to see him, he decided to stay at the house.
“He asked me to give you this, though.” Kian said as he
gave me an envelope with my name on it.
“Thank you…” I said, but decided to not open it until I
was on the plane. It was very hard saying ‘goodbye’ to all
of them. We had all become so close during the last six
weeks, we were like a big family. After loads of hugs
and kisses I started walking slowly, towards my gate. I
kept turning around to smile at my friends, and everytime
I did that I was half hoping that Bryan would be there, but
of course he never was. What would I have done if he
was? I don’t really know. Nothing I guess… I needed
some time to think everything through. I know I promised
myself not to stay with a guy
that would physically hurt me, but that was before I’d
been through it. Now I just didn’t know…
Still after these two months I wasn’t sure… I’d tried to go
on with my life without Bryan, but not a moment went by
without me thinking of him. I took out the letter from my
bag and read it again, eventhough I knew it by heart by now…
To my anamcara, I don’t really know how to begin. You know the deal
when it comes to me and writing letters, I can never
really express what I wanna say. But now more than
ever I hope I will be able to do just that…
If I know you right, you’re probably sitting on the plane
back to Sweden as you read this. I wish you weren’t cos
that way this letter might get you to change your mind
and come back to me… About what happened last night… I don’t know what to
say, more than, I’m really sorry… Of course I know you
weren’t flirting with Nix. I guess I just said that to make
the fact that you were leaving, easier for me to handle. I
thought that if we were arguing the seperation wouldn’t
be so difficult. But of course I was wrong and my little
‘plan’ didn’t work… I never meant to hurt you and I don’t really have an
excuse to why it all went out of hand, except that I’d had
too much to drink. That’s not an excuse, I know, but
that’s all I have… The second I understood what I’d
done, I regretted myself and then when I saw the way
you looked at me… Your eyes were filled with disgust
and even hate… I never thought you’d look at me that
way and it was all my own fault. I certainly don’t blame
you for feeling that, not at all, I deserved it. I just wish I
knew a way to make you forgive me.
I know I might not deserve it, but please give a another
chance! It’s all up to you now what will happen between
the two of us. I won’t pressure you, I understand that you
need some time. But remember, if you want to talk to
me, about us or anything, you know where to find me.
Everyday I’ll be praying that it will be the day when you
call. Everyday I’ll be hoping to see you outside my
door. Every night I’ll be dreaming about holding you in my arms…
And I will always be here for you, as your friend and if
you let me, as your lover.
Do you remember how we could sit on my bed and talk
for hours about absolutely anything? Or how we sat
cuddled up together in your couch not saying a word,
just enjoying each others company and love? I hope
you do, cos I will cherish every moment spent with you,
in my heart. Heléna, we can have all that back, we
can… You just say the word…
Do you remember that night, when you asked me to
leave, asked me walk out of your life? I said that our love is strong
enough to handle anything and you agreed, but you didn’t think you
would be strong enough. Remember? Well, I know that you are
strong enough! You’ve been through a lot in your life and you’ve
always pulled through, most of the time by yourself, cos you’re to
proud and to stubborn to ask for help. But this time you don’t have
to be alone, you’ll have me…
If you do decide not to contact me, I guess all I can do is wish you
all the best! And I hope you’ll find true love and happiness! That’s
all I’d ever wanted for you, to be happy, even if it means it’s not
with me.
Thank you for these six wonderful weeks! I’ll always love you and I
will never forget you! Bryan xxx
I put the letter down and wiped away a tear that had made it’s way
down my cheek. I had talked to Nic (she, Rhiannon and Sharon
had all gone with the lads to Ireland and they’d continued their
studies on the Emerald Isle) on the phone the other day and she’d
told me that Bryan had never mentioned my name since the day I
left, but he hadn’t smiled either...