Chapter 9
TWO WEEKS LATER
“I haven’t been through this before Bryan! I just don’t
know how to handle it…It’s like… it’s like I’m torn in two.”
Me and Bryan had just come home from dinner. A dinner
with constant inperruptions from people who wanted
something signed or who just wanted to say a few words.
Of course the rumour about Westlife being in Sydney
was now common knowledge and that meant that
everytime any of the lads went out people came up to
them and asked for photos and autographs or just to tell
them how much they loved their album. I know that I
shouldn’t have a problem with this, but I couldn’t help it…
It felt like it wasn’t just me and Bry in our relationship, but
there were also hundreds of fans.
“But, sweetie, you have to understand that this is a part
of my job, those people put us where we are today.” Of
course I knew that and I wanted him to take time to talk
to the fans and this I told him, but he was used to all this
attention, I wasn’t, this was all new for me. And for about
a week, I’d felt that I couldn’t take it anymore…
He came and sat beside me on the couch, took my hand in his
and looked deeply into my eyes.
“What do you want me to do?” I could see in his eyes
that he was really concerned about this, he looked so
hurt and I hate seeing him like that. At that very moment I
felt my heart breaking in two.
“Nothing Bryan”, my words were now no more than a
whisper, “I don’t want you to do anything, there’s nothing
you can do. I want you to be successfull, you guys
deserve that more than anyone and I know that you owe
everything that’s happened to you to the fans, but…” I
couldn’t continue, instead I got up and went to the
window. I felt this big lump in my throat and tears were
burning behind my eyelids… I could feel his sad look in
my back and I knew he waited for me to continue.
“I’m sorry Bryan… I don’t think I can live like this, I’m not
strong enough to live like this. It’s probably best for both
of us if we just end it right now…” Tears were now
flowing down my cheeks and my voice was shaking as I said it.
“No! How can you say that?”, he wanted to walk up to me
and embrace me, but he knew that wouldn’t change a
thing, so he just stayed where he was. “I’m not letting you
go now that I’ve found you! No way!”, I turned around to
look at him and saw that he was crying now as well. “My
whole life I’ve waited for someone like you, you’re my
soulmate, my anamcara. I love you Heléna… more than
anything… there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I just… I
just thought you felt the same way…” I’d never seen him
like this before and not only did it tear my heart apart, it
tore my soul, my life apart.
“Don’t you ever doubt the fact that I love you Bryan! Not
ever!”, I could hear my voice was almost breaking,
“believe me when I say that there’s nothing, and I mean
nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I would swim cross the
Atlantic if that was the only way to show my love for
you…but I don’t know if that’s enough…”
“Don’t do this Helena, we can get through this, if we just
love each other we can make this work. Our love is stronger than anyone’s.”
“Maybe you are strong enough, Bry, maybe our love is
as well, but I’m not. I’ve really tried, but I can’t get used to
the fact that every time we go out together people are
staring and even following us… And that’s just here in
Sydney, it’s not like it’ll get any easier in London or
Dublin. I’m sorry…” This time he did go up to me and put
his arms around my waist. We stood like that, holding
each other and crying, for a couple of minutes and then I pulled away.
“Bryan, please go…” “So this is it, just like that?” “I’m sorry…”
“Well I haven’t given up on you, I never will… What we
have is far too beautiful to have to end like this…”
“Please go…” I knew that if he didn’t leave now, I
wouldn’t be strong enough to resist the safety of holding
him close. My whole body screamed for him to stay, my
whole body except my head… “I will always love you.”, he said as he kissed my
forehead and left… I closed the door behind him and
sank down on the floor with nothing but an empty feeling inside of me.