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when it came to musicals on whose line, tony was never(or almost never) short of a witty line. what you see before you is what i consider to be some of tony's best musical endeavours.
bartender. tony is in love with himself.
"i've got a little problem
i can't get enough,
you know what i'm talking about
i'm talking about me - i'm hot stuff
look at myself in the mirror,
i just start to sweat,
cos i'm the most beautiful person
that i've ever met."
bartender. tony is in love with the barman
"i'm the bacon,
and you're my chips,
i'd like to shipwreck
in those standy-out nips,
you are the center of my life,
if you weren't a big butch man,
i'd ask you to be my wife."
bartender. tony is angry about his jacket.
"i went to the store,
i spent alot of bucks,
i came out with this,
and boy, does it suck,
but the most important thing,
and this is what i'd like to share,
i hate this jacket,
'cos it's made of bits of lionel blair."
bartender. tony is in love with an inflatable pig.
"i've got a problem i'd like to report
when i see porky pig, my pants distort
oh yeah, you know what i mean
when i see that porker,
i spill my seem
you know animals are my ilk,
i spray them with man milk,
i go 'yeah, yeah..porky'
you're the one..for me!"
bartender. tony is angry about his middle name.
"i got a middle name,
and i feel malicious,
'cos my parents called me patricius.
this middle name is such a heavy load,
that when i say it,
i can feel my testicles explode."
prison visitor. tony's run off with a jumbo jet.
"i've got a problem,
i'm in such pain.
i stole myself a gigantic plane,
i don't mean to bore you,
i don't mean to rant,
but i put a 747 down my pant..
i try to walk a straight line, but..(wobbles words)"
prison visitor. tony's run off with a sumo wrestler.
"i'll take a chance with you,
let's make a little bettie.
you guess why i like fat people,
because they are sweaty.
i lose myself in their folds of skin,
that's where my lust begins,
that'w why i want to marry
a sumo wrestler from..(pauses)gay paris!"
the vasectomy hoedown
"the doctor went to work that day,
he started right down there,
he snipped around my tezzies and around my pubic hair,
and for that job i'm bery grateful,
yes, i do give thanks,
'cos now everytime i make love,
i'm always shooting blanks!"
the sex hoedown
"oh i'm alittle kinky,
my panties are made of fur,
i like to stay in on evenings,
just me and my cucumber,
and when i pull my pants down
and start to paint my toosh,
and dress up in leather,
and squat on barbara bush."
the pony trekking hoedown
"i like going trekking
in the country on my pony,
i'm very friendly with the critter,
i say 'hello, i'm tony!'
and then, and then, oh look, whatch out!
there's something nasty in the way,
it's not a pony dumpie,
it is mr.anderson's toupe!"
the donkey riding hoedown
"i like to ride my donkey
i like to call him clive,
i dress him up in panties,
he's the best animal alive,
i like to dress him up
in lost of frilly clothes,
and the two of us begin to
star in certain videos!"
the cat feeding hoedown
"i like to feed my kitten,
i feed him from the fridge,
i like to feed him mice and rats,
and little tiny midges,
the problem is i'm blind,
i've got an eyesight like a mole
so sometimes i try to
shove food in the wrong hole."
the frying food/frying pan hoedown
"i like to fry foods,
especially when it's really hot
i've got all the fried foods in the world,
and you have not,
i may not be as much
it don't sound quite feeble
i use all my fried foods to burn jeremy beadle!"
the will reading hoedown
"my mother died the other day,
i hit her with a cosh,
i hoped that in the will,
she would leave me lots of dosh,
but when i read the will,
i found out i was not rich,
she just left me her knickers,
what a stupid bitch!"
the motorway hoedown
"i like the sound of motorways,
when things go splat.
i look out my car window,
and i've run over a cat,
but the thing i really hate,
the worst thing in my life,
is the stupid bastard,
who designed the M-25."
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