RAW

October 26 - November 16, 2004

RAW Choice Cut: The Platters - "The Great Pretender"

Man, it's been forever since I've written one of these. Anyways, there are times that the only way you can silence the demons is by slaying them head on…

"Tis better to burn out than to fade away," they say. While usually this statement is reserved for celebrities or musicians and the like, it can apply very much so to people in our everyday lives. There's a young lady that at one point in time I was pretty much in love with. I was completely just enamored with everything about her. Her eyes, just gorgeous. Her smell, quite possibly the only girl's who's perfume I know by name. Her brains, she was just brilliant. But most of all her smile. There were days that no matter how awful things were for me, her smile just made everything so much better.

"And though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted, she'll hear me out and won't easily be converted to my way of thinking, in fact, she'll often disagree. But at the end of it all, she will understand me…" - Depeche Mode

But as great as her smile was, the person behind that smile was even more awesome. I seriously believe she was the perfect foil for me. Whatever I tossed out, she threw back at me. If I wanted to sit around and be sensitive and deep, she sat around right with me. If I wanted to dip into the closet of my "alter-ego", not only did she tolerate him, she kept him in check (the latter being more impressive than the former). People like that I don't come across too often. Maybe that explains why she was one of the few people I'd actually bend over backwards for…

"And sooner or later it's over. I just don't want to miss you tonight." - Goo Goo Dolls

When I realized that a day would come when she wasn't going to be apart of my life anymore, I was pretty torn up inside. I mean just look how many RAW columns I wrote between last December and May. Dig deep enough in all of 'em, it's pretty obvious that I was a pathetic little wreck. Anyways, I remember when that day came like it was the back of my hand. I should considering it was one of the more monumental days in my life, but that's another story. I gave her a hug, a couple actually, that might have well had screamed "please don't let this dream end" while some cheesy power ballad by Air Supply (preferably "Making Love Out of Nothing At All") was playing in the background (I tell you guys, I go through life as a hopeless romantic everyday) - but like all things, that hug ended. She was gone and I was left there in 52B just lying on the couch looking at my diploma. The only thing comforting me was the fact that I had some really good memories and I knew that there would be a pretty good (tho slim) chance that I would see her again. I guess this would be where she "burnt out" per se. Her last memory to me was one of sadness, but pure happiness at the same time.

"So take the photographs and still frames in your mind…" - Green Day

Well time passes and life goes on. A few phone calls were exchanged, but those became few and far between. Those evolved into voicemail messages that were returned sometimes, on both sides. Long story short, she came down for Homecoming. I was quite excited to see her (as was she according to one drunken voicemail that I got while I was in Five Points one night), but when the day came, something just wasn't right. The smile was there, but it didn't seem to be the same anymore. The personality was there, but it didn't seem as vibrant as before. I was a little down by all this, but it didn't bother me until I went to take her back to the airport. There wasn't much conversation on the way back, and considering the two of us (shit, ONE of us could have carried a conversation with ourselves with the other just sitting there and that would have been normal), that was quite abnormal. And the goodbye hug didn't have that same "spark" to it as it did before.

"There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more, than to feel you deep in my heart." - The Cure

I'm still not quite sure as to what happened that weekend, but after saying goodbye that second time, The Cure's "Pictures of You" (which for some reason unbeknownst to me became her "theme song" to me) just doesn't give me that same feeling as it did before. The feeling of comfort and happiness was gone. I guess that would be were the whole "fading away" thing comes into play…

Other thoughts that don't involve me being an eternal hopeless romantic…

"As long as we've got a fourth player at the end of the day, I've got this feeling everything's gonna turn out to be okay."

- Saint Dragon

As a kid I grew up playing video games. I know what actually makes the Legend of Zelda a "legend" (damn if it didn't take Nintendo 20 years to figure it out their damn selves tho…). Hearing the special ending theme music that plays when you beat Street Fighter II Championship Edition (or Street Fighter II Turbo: Hyper Fighting) on one credit seriously chokes me up. The Konami Kode is preprogrammed into my thumbs after all these years still. With all the joy that I've had from videogames, I have to wonder what it would be like if I wasn't fortunate enough to be blessed with their pixilated goodness. There hasn't been a Christmas since 1988 where some type of game hasn't been under the tree (eventho last year came close - I didn't ask for any, but Nintendo thought it would be nice to send me the "The Legend of Zelda: Collector's Disc" on Christmas morning. Twas rather cool). Sad thing is, there's hundreds of kids who can't say the same. So this year, I've got some extra cash I'm not going to do anything with. I decided to donate to the Child's Play charity. It's a charity founded by gamers that donate toys and games to children's hospitals. Last year it was just in the Seattle area, but this year they've expanded some. I think it's a cool idea. I mean, whether I want to or not, I am getting older and I can't sit around playing videogames forever. It'd be nice to know that whether I have kids or not, I did my part in making sure that joysticks are passed down to the ones they were originally intended for.

"You know all the right people. You play all the right games. You always try to be everything to everyone." - Everclear

Little by little I'm learning that I can't be everything to everyone (not saying I'm great or anything - tho my alter-ego would have you believe otherwise). I've got to make sure I'm looking out for myself first and foremost. If that gels with others, great. As a result, some people that I've been real close to in the past seemed to have been pushed back (or away) some. To be honest, some have been on purpose because I truthfully haven't figured out how to live completely solo and incorporate everyone in. While at the same time, others have been pushed aside completely by accident. If you think you're one of the people in the aforementioned groups, I'm sorry. Now I know "I'm sorry" doesn't make things better, but it can't be said that I didn't acknowledge what's happening.