CHAPTER 3

I'm dead. Starting tomorrow, I'll be writing you from some boarding school in the middle of no where. Sarah knows I stole the answer sheet and planted it in her bag. She confronted me about it. She was really mad, can't say I blame her really, but I did it, and that's that. She kept asking me why I did that, and I told her, flat out "I just plain hate you". My perfect sister acted like she was shocked by the revelation. Please. She just told me she didn't even liked me, why is she surprise by my feelings for her? Like I told her, everyone is so busy making sure Sarah was OK, happy, that no one had time to stop and think about little old me. Even with Lucky, when Sarah is there, I don't exist anymore. And that hurts, like hell. I mean, what does she have that I don't? She is kind, generous, loving, she gets straight A's, but I would too if someone gave ME half a chance. If anyone would take the time and give me a second look, they would see I am all these things too, but do they? No, of course not, why take the time and get to know me when they already have Sarah?

I am NOT going to cry. If Gram sends me to my parents and they get rid of me once more, I say good riddance. I don't want to be here any more than they want me here.

That is not true, why am I saying this to you? I don't have to look like I don't care in front of you, I can write my true feelings can't I? The truth is, I don't want to go, I love it here. Gram cares a little about me, not as much as she LOVES Sarah, but she cares more than my parents ever did, and I love her too, dearly. There is also the matter of Lucky. I like him a lot, and I really do believe that, if it wasn't for Sarah, we'd be good friends, maybe even a little more, but once again, Sarah has something that I don't. Him.

You know, that wasn't true what I told her. I don't hate her, I wish we could be friends, but she doesn't even give me the time of day. Like I said, if we weren't related, she wouldn't even acknowledge my existence. She puts up with me because she doesn't have a choice and, by stealing the test answers, I guess I wanted to show her what it was like to be me for a change. What it was like to be questioned and grilled when you didn't do anything wrong. For her to know what it feels like to be looked at like you were something people scraped off of their shoe. What it felt like when people would like to be anywhere but with you, and didn't even hide it. Like she does to me when I walk into a room.

There's a saying to goes; "you can't judge someone before you walked a mile in their shoes". I wanted Sarah to walk a little in mine. Like not even a mile, she wouldn't be able to bear it, but maybe like a couple of feet, then maybe she'd understand where I'm coming from. The dark places in my soul aren't that dark, but they are lonely. I just wanted someone with me, to share my misery a little. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so bad about being myself anymore, because, at least, someone would understand what it's like for me, all the way down in the hell that is my life.

You'll never guess what he did this time. He stole the English test answers and planted them on Sarah. Not to hurt her, far from it, I mean, not that I believe he cares about her, Cassadines don't have hearts, but he wanted to look like the hero in her eyes, and it worked. She jumped to his defense like a mother for her children when he got attacked by some of the school kids. Oh and I have to admit, by me too. I don't get it, why is she so hung up on this guy? I mean, sure he is full of cash, but Sarah is not to type to be greedy. Why am I the only one who see right through him? Even aunt Bobbie always takes his side. Like tonight, she asked me what was bothering me. I didn't want to tell her, she insisted. When I did, right away, she jumped at his defense, saying how smart he was and everything. She didn't believe me, as always. But I told her, why ask if she is not going to believe me? She thinks that Nikolas gets on my nerve because I feel inferior to him or something but it's not true, I just want to bash his face in with a baseball bat. Maybe he'd be a little more human to me then.

It just makes me so mad to see that everyone thinks he is the good guy and I am the bad guy, just because I publically admit I don't like him. I get hell because I am not an hypocrite, how is that fair? In front of everyone he acts like I don't bother him and that he likes me, but he told me flat out he didn't like me anymore than I like him.

The only person who thinks like I do about Nikolas is Sarah's sister, Elizabeth. She came here tonight, telling me Sarah ran off to meet Nikolas somewhere and that she was afraid Nikolas would make her do something stupid like make her drink, and sleep with her. I wanted to run after them, but, when I opened the door, I came face to face with my dad.

He's back and he's trying to guilty me into moving to Switzerland. There is no way I'm leaving Port Charles, so that Nikolas can do whatever he wants with Sarah. Elizabeth needs back up, and I'll be there to provide it.

Sarah left me off the hook pretty easy, I must say. I'm a little surprise. Pleasantly surprise. I'm still in Port Charles, and Gram has no idea what I have done. Sarah called Mr. Murty and told him I had to talk to him, so he met me at Kelly's one night and I told him everything, after I made sure Lucky wasn't listening of course. He told me he had an older brother, a bright and handsome one, and that he understood my position. So, after we agreed I get counseling and try to get better grades, he wouldn't tell Gram. He even told me we had a pop quiz the next day and told me what to study. I flunked it anyway, but I still think it was nice of him.

The other bad thing I did, and THAT I truly regret, was to put condoms in Nikolas' Halloween bag, and a box in my sister's, to make them believe they wanted to make love to one another. I thought they would get mad that the other was thinking that way and break up, well, I don't know what I thought, but it nearly got Sarah to lose her virginity, and THAT, I didn't want. They figured out it was me though, and broke "it" off. But they are still together, but I honestly don't care as much. Because of Lucky.

He was in Kelly's the night I ran after Sarah. He understood me telling Ruby that it was a family emergency and followed me to Gramps car, got in, and basically told me I wasn't going anywhere without him. Well, I let him believe Sarah was in physical danger from the Cassadine. We ended up being stuck in the ice and snow, and we got into a fight. He was mad to know I "dragged" him to help me and stop Sarah from sleeping with Nikolas. He even said, in this little boy's voice "I don't wanna hear it, I don't wanna hear a thing about it". Poor Lucky, the thought of Sarah and Nikolas making love wanted to make him gag I think. I told him about putting the condoms in the bags. He didn't believe I was worried about Sarah. He said he cared about her and that was why he wouldn't keep her from sleeping with him.

He left me there, alone, but he came back. He said he called a tow truck and that Spencer men don't leave women stranded alone in their cars. He gave me a lecture about my jealousy and I told him that even before I realize it, that I'm all caught up in it again. He said I was screwed up. I made him understand about how it was living with the "perfect example", and that he would act like me if he grew up with Nikolas and that his mother always held him as the smart one, the nice one, the handsome one. He said he understood, but he said that going about it this way, it wasn't going anywhere. He told me about being myself and try living my own life. Stop obsessing about Sarah's and he was right. I'm not doing it anymore.

I'M NOT! Sarah can do whatever she wants, I don't care anymore. I am Elizabeth Webber, worth living, breathing, having fun human being. Let's just wait and see how much Lucky likes the "new and improved" me, shall we?

Well, I'll try to stop and smell the dandelion sometimes. After all, it is a beautiful flower, it smells great, why don't give it a chance, you know?