If it's so obligatory, then why in the world have I waited so long to make one?
About the Webmistress (whatever)
(Lovely new picture below taken by my sister.)
Handle - Mad-Ness_Monster (sometimes called Mad-Ness or Retardramon)
Who - Self-depreciating, gently sarcastic self-proclaimed starving artist. Raging geek when it comes to cartoons; knows an awful lot about folklore and mythology as well. Noticeably pacifistic, overly empathetic, and (I have to say it, sorry) mostly harmless.
Where - Boston, MA (Often migrates north in the summer, but generally treats it as a huge deal if she leaves New England.)
Stats - Born on 3/12/78; Pisces (with a rising Libra and a moon in Taurus, if you're dying to know); approximately 5 foot, 3 inches and 125 pounds in slippers; Irish and Polish with just enough Scottish genes in here to justify the handle; dark reddish-brown hair and, as they said in the Leo DeCaprio quickie bios, "dreamy blue-green eyes"; Crankizen since around 1999;
Special Powers - The Moonwalk, the Robot, and the Zero-G. Wait...
Fun Facts - Wrote several fanfics but, curiously, is the least embarrassed about "Crankyheart". Ran into a heavy, transparent glass door situated at the bottom of a steep staircase in a subway station and broke her nose approximately three-quarters of the way into writing it (see if you can tell exactly when if you read it). Likes all Crankylanders who are not outright trolls. Was involved in an outright vicious flame war exactly ONCE (but it was a doozy). Has been markedly innocuous (read: has transformed into a total pussy) and uncontroversial (read: boring) ever since. Creative speller. Still thinks Skittles and fish and random Ministry lyrics are inherently amusing. Trusted by small animals and friend to children everywhere.
Stuff I'm Into - Animation, especially overlooked films, 80's cartoons, "Simpsons" (up to season nine), "Futurama", and "South Park", and the classic Looney Tunes theatrical shorts. Voracious reader. Casual "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Star Trek TNG" fan though curiously not compelled to watch the reruns. Vocal Eminem and Britney Spears detractor but is otherwise able to listen to nearly anything besides country music. I am also interested in animals and gardening.
(Well, really. I am the only person in my neighborhood who bothers to put up a bird feeder. I now have "Jurassic Park" in my backyard.)
F.A.Q.
(These are some of the questions people have asked me through email, Crankyland posts, and -curiously- my Guestbook [could you all be a collective dear and post me questions at Cranky's instead; I'll love you forever].)
Q - "Wait, *you* used to have a message board! What happened to it?"
A - It was euthanized.
Q - "What happened to 'For Crankizens'?"
A - This was a rather mean-spirited (okay, my version of being mean-spirited) parody of a rather heartfelt and very personal essay written by a member of the Œtherkin community, describing his moment of Awakening ("Hey, I'm not just some pizza deliveryman! I am Nementh Elf-Brother IV, king of the Golden Dragons of Pardue!") Honestly, I never really liked "For Crankizens". I thought it was funny for about two months or so, then it hit me that I was making fun of somebody for having all the marks of a disassociative mental disorder. That bothered me a lot, but for some reason I never took the essay down or changed it into something else.
Well, a few months later, I happened upon this fellow's website again... and the essay was gone.
And me and my stupid hypersensitive guilty conscience both said, "sh_t."
So “For Crankizens” is gone. Sorry if you liked it. Here is the one bit I still find funny (even though it never really had anything to do with anything):
Q - "Hang on. Mad-Ness is a dragon. Are *you* an Œtherkin?"
A - Hell no.
Q - "I think you're in denial."
A - Bite me.
Q - "What the heck is this 'Crankyland' anyway?"
A - (Puts on dark glasses and twirls a bag of Swedish Fish in her hands.)
Unfortunately, nobody can be told what Crankyland is. You have to see it for yourself.
I suggest you start at the Archivist's page.
Q - "When did you become a Crankizen?"
A - I fell off the jungle gym and when I woke up, I was here!
Actually, 'round the summer of 1999, I think, I read an article in "Entertainment Weekly" or something, which had a list of humorous movie review sites. One of them was called "the Stinkers" (best known for their list of the worst movies of the year). They had (and still have) an insanely extensive list of websites with reviews of bad movies, and tucked among these was "Mr. Cranky". Assuming that this was just another site a la "Bad Movie Night", which I'd enjoyed, I went to check it out.
I read several of Cranky's animated film reviews, missing the point of the site entirely, when I noticed what was going on in the forums. I think the first Cranky posts I ever read were parts of the almost mythical "Killer Alien Bunnies" fanfic. That scared me away right quick.
I don't know why, but I came back in the fall. I lurked for a while, then joined as a member some time in late December/early January. So, technically, New Years is my anniversary date. The thing is, for the whole year I was just posting really surreal nonsense. I don't think I really became one with the Crankytrix until I started acting more normal around that Halloween, during the Clone Wars.
Ah, memories.
Q - "Clone Wars?"
A - Don't ask, don't ask...
Q - "Is that 'Epic' movie really for real?"
A - Ayuh.
Q - "You have mocked the Great Prophet Keanu in your review of 'Babes in Toyland'. You shall pay!!!
With love from, the Keanuville townspeople."
A - Like hell I did. Go read it again. And anyway, how the hell am I going to make fun of somebody with whom I am essentially on the same intellectual level? (Furthermore, I am a vocal supporter of the subsequent "Matrix" movies. So there.)
Q - Erm, what IS it with you Crankylanders and Keanu Reeves/fish/Skittles?
A - Simply put, they are the great trifecta of go-to Crankyland humor. Keanu Reeves/fish/Skittles are to Crankyland what Will Wheaton/Admiral Akbar/Domo-Kun are to FARK.
Which is to say that I don't really understand it all either.
Q - "I wanna see nekkid pictures of you!"
A - No.
Q - "The Christmas story you posted here a while back makes no sense whatsoever."
A - Then you must read "Crankyheart" from the beginning. Enjoy.
Q - "I did. It didn't help."
A - Yeah, I know.
Q - "I heard that when Johnny Damon crashed into that other guy, it damaged all the nerve endings in his head, so now he can never cut his hair or he'll be in head-exploding pain for four days. That true?"
A -
Q - "Every other Crankylander tends to be very vocal about their philosophies and political leanings. I have no idea what you are!"
A - My city has me down as a Democrat, but my "real" political affiliation is the ever popular "Please, God, Do Not Let the Middle-Aged Rich White Men Who Represent Me F___ Everything Up" ticket.
Q - "Tell me something I don't know."
A - Swedish Fish go bad after a few years. Blech.
Q - "You've written a lot of drinking games for movies; where's the one for your website?"
A - Okay, drink when I say one of those things that I say and drink twice if I do it twice in the same feature. Drink when I make a joke only other Crankizens will get and drink again when I give a fellow Crankizen a shout-out. Drink when you get a cross-reference and drink yourself into a stupor if you get every single reference I have ever made anywhere in this website.
Disclaimer: Images and other original content is © 2007 to Mad-Ness Monster (aka Mad-Ness, Nessie, Trish, ect.) and to Kath (sometimes known as Sis-Ness around here.) It may be reprinted as long as this notice is attached. Share and enjoy. ^_^
All entities mentioned herein are © to their respective owners and no endorsement is intended. Please don't sue me, I am poor.
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