Rating the Cartoons! Fall 2K03
I have officially lost touch with today's youth.


Man, this update has been long in coming. Blame me and the hurricane. I was hoping to get this up before Isabel came and kicked all our butts, but I wimped out.
Once again, this year I am doing more badly researched and totally based on first impressions reviews of new cartoons (yes, I know that doesn't even remotely constitute as good grammar). This time it's going to be a bit different, though. I wasn't fully impressed with anything I reviewed last year (I never went out of my way to actually *watch* any of them), so I'm skipping straight to the new shows by network.
Once again, please note that all times and stations here are based off Boston-area networks. And please note that because every TV listing I've looked at contradicts another listing, I'm not even sure when some of these are actually on. You'll have to check your local listings to see these for yourself.

PBS Kids (WGBH, channel 2)

6:30 and 11:45 AM - "Seven Little Monsters"
Even as a lass, I knew that if something made adults anxious, it HAD to be cool. The collected works of Maurice Sendak (and I am thinking especially of In the Night Kitchen, Outside, Over There, ect.) are some of the greatest adult stories for children -or vice-versa- of all time. Sadly, this series has so far been playing out like Where the Wild Things Are Lite. At least the titular monsters are strange enough characters to be interesting, but what does it mean when "Little Bear" has more subversive stuff going on in it (really, take a look at that "Duck Soup" episode)?
7:00 AM - "George Shrinks"
William Joyce is another great, quirky author/illustrator. For whatever reason, though, the animated series based upon his books don't have the same spark. So, I don't know, maybe you could READ TO YOUR CHILDREN instead, perhaps?
4:30 PM - "Cyberchase"
Note To Concerned Parents: No, the Internet is not a strange alternate universe where you get to riff on popular culture with some very strange creatures. Nor is it a place to go and download copyrighted music. No, because according to this cartoon, instead of being the only place a child in a hypothetical repressed little town in middle-America can learn about some pretty damned disturbing Romantic Para-normalities (to quote Troy McLure), the Internet *instead* exists so that said child can learn about MATH!!! Also, he can be screamed at by some robot bird thingy voiced by Gilbert Godfrey. Math AND screaming!!! Hooray for the Internet!!!
9:00 AM (and very occasionally at that) - "Brian Jaques' Redwall"
I've heard rumors of a Redwall movie for a while now, but I'm glad to see they decided to make it a series instead, as each book is very episodic. The artwork and music is very lavish for Saturday morning, and I like how they let Jaques and his fans introduce each episode. Because the episode I caught takes place well into the books' prequels (this is kind of the Dragonlance of Furry fiction... oh, just act like you know what I'm talking about), I'd wager this is at least a modest hit and deservedly so!

Kids WB! (WLVI, channel 12)

10:30 AM - "X-Men: Evolution"
There is NOTHING new on the WB this year. And, equally curious, it doesn't appear that anything has been canceled either. Strange.
So I'm just going to comment on two things here: "Jackie Chan Adventures" is still alive. I would like to know - and if you know the answer, post it in Crankyland right away and help me not go insane - if there was another cartoon series based upon an actual person that lasted as long or longer than Jackie's three or four seasons. Many thanks in advance.
Also, "X-Men: Evolution" is starting to lose me. It is STILL a very good series, but thanks to this year's "X2" (and, more to the point, it's Cranky forum) I've been reminded about the X-mythos well enough now to see the seams here. I've let buggering around with continuity slide in the past, but the episode I caught this week indicated that Wolverine is a DAD! Um... huh?

Bravo, channel 70

10:00 PM - "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"
Wait, this isn't a cartoon? Never mind then.

Cartoons for F____ing Adults! (TNN/Spike/Whatever, channel 55)

10:00 PM - "Ren and Stimpy"
It's a freakin' miracle when a good cartoon returns to TV. I had forgotten how twisted and excellent the first season of "R.&S." was.
But as far as the new episodes, well... I said this before about "the Ripping Friends", and I think it still applies. John Krickfalusi NEEDS someone to tell him "no."
10:30 PM - "Gary the Rat"
Okay, we get it: Lawyers = Large Rodents. Whatever.
11:00 PM - "Stripperella"
I hope that by now this has been well established, but let's review a few things: I've got two X chromosomes. I could watch that Nautica Jeans Dimensional Denim wakeboard commercial all day. I got's boobies and a uterus. I, in other words, am a GIRL, dammit.
So that means I am precisely the wrong audience for this.
The fact that Stan Lee is in charge of this P.O.S. is disturbing on too many levels to list here. So, moving right along...

the FOX Box (WFXT, channel 25)

Let it be known that no matter WHAT I say about the following series, FOX scores major Brownie Points for having one of those old-school prime-time Saturday Morning Preview shows this year. Sweet.
10:30 - "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
So let's see here. We've got this series, we can buy new versions of Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake, and My Little Ponies at Wall-Mart, and Duran Duran finally won a long-delayed MoonMan at this year's VMAs (which were otherwise pointless, though it's good to see Missy Elliot finally get a MoonMan too).
Mwahaha, yes little New Millennium children. We 80's kids are suffering our collective quarter-life crisis and we are going to take it all out on you! We will corrupt your little minds now! Hahahahaha!!!
Anyway, this is indistinguishable from the previous "Turtle" cartoons, in my eye anyway. Hey, you know what would be cool? How about a "Ninja Turtles" / "Queer Eye" insane crossover? Think about it: Ted could be Splinter, Carson could be Raphael, Jai could be Michelangelo... where are you going? Wait, the article's not done yet! Come back!
11:00 - "Shaman King"
Okay, so there's this kid who can summon this samurai ghost. And he meets up with these other people who can summon other ghosts and things. So they go around fighting evil and...
Ah, forget about it.
9:30 - "Sonic the Hedgehog: Chaos!"
How far is this going to go? Like, we've got that "Kirby" series, and that "M.U.S.C.L.E." series, and WB brought back "Mega-Man" for a while recently. Are they going to bring back that old "Pac-Man" cartoon too? Better yet, how about "Rubik: the Amazing Cube"?!?
11:30 AM - "Funky Cops"
Now, I LOVE VH1's "I Love the (enter decade Nessie managed to survive intact here)" series. But while real nostalgia is funny (see also the books RetroHell and Totally Awesome 80's and most of the articles at X-E), simply setting your plot in a bygone era for the sake of humor is not (see also "the Wedding Singer"). Furthermore, I think we have to stop parodying things that the kids aren't old enough to remember or watch. "Mommy, what's a Studio 54?"
12:00 (?) - "WMAC Masters!"
What. IS. This?
Um, if I had wanted to watch "American Gladiators", I'd watch TNN/Spike/Whatever. Granted, I'm a chick and don't really get the appeal of fighting shows. But all I'm asking is why is this occupying space that could be better taken by - I don't know - a cartoon?
Does anybody remember when FOX had "Vision of Escaflowné" in this time slot?

ABC Family, channel 26

10:00 (?) - "Daigunder"
Blah blah fighting robots blah blah mechs blah blah "Voltron" blah blah blah...
10:30 (?) - "Digimon Series Four"
Repeat: "DIGIMON SERIES FOUR"!!!!!
I have yet to see any episodes of this yet. But, you know, seeing as it's been a year, this sure as heck better be good.

Cartoon Network, channel 73

11:30 AM - "Duck Dodgers: the Series"
Why does Warner Brothers take such joy in sh__ting all over my childhood memories?
5:00 AM - "S.D. Gundam Force"
Now, I'm going to act like I know from Gundam, okay? As far as I know, this series involves gigantic Mech suits running around and kicking ass. So what's the deal with the cute, cartoony people and the magical knight robot who sounds like a deep-voiced woman? I am certain, truly, that classic Gundam fans are thrilled to pieces. Me, I kinda like it. And at least the cell-shaded animation looks better here than it does in "Spider-Man"
6:00 PM - "Cyborg 009"
Or, "Trying to Determine the Quality (or Plot) of an Animé from One Episode is Futile!"
Actually, this is pretty interesting. I can see myself maybe getting into this. And I dig the exaggerated characters (think of Rintaro's "Metropolis" and you've got the idea).
9:00 PM - "Teen Titans!"
Okay, the animation is... wierd. And that goofy theme song needs to be scrapped. That said, this is easily the best new cartoon of the year. It doesn't have that much to do with the (four or five) "Teen Titan" comics I've ever read, but who cares? Think of it as sort of a "Mystery Men" meets "the Breakfast Club".

Related Links!

Redwall: Official Site - "Teen Titans" is my pick for must-see series of the year. But "Redwall" is this year's Catch It Before It Gets Canceled pick (an honor that usually gets awarded after the death sentence). Learn a Gousim from a Sparra here. Just get the song from that "Lemmiwinks" episode of "South Park" out of your head before you go.
X-Entertainment: Highly Dubious 80's Cartoons - How dare you not understand my "Rubiks" joke??? Anyway, I like what Matt has to say about the no-win situation experienced by most sci-fi themed cartoons.
the Digipedia - SERIES FOUR!!!!! Get excited damn it.



Disclaimer: Images and other original content is © 2003 to Mad-Ness Monster (aka Mad-Ness, Nessie, Trish, ect.) It may be reprinted as long as this notice is attached. Share and enjoy. ^_^
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