The scary fluorescent pink Swedish-pop lady demands that you dance with her!
If I decide to bother doing this again next year, I will, by that time, be well on my way to getting the Nessie Gets Her Master's Degree in Education thing accomplished. It will give me a rather intriguing point of view to review children's shows from, at the very least.
Blah blah blah badly researched and totally based on first impressions reviews of new shows blah blah blah all times and stations here are based off Boston-area networks blah blah blah check your local listings to see these for yourself.
There aren't a heck of a lot of new animated shows this year. So I guess I get to cover older shows I haven't had the chance to talk about yet. Actually, a lot of them can fit into neat little categories. To wit...
Shows That Are Already (or destined to be) -um- "On Hiatus"
Sci-Fi, channel 62
Th., 10:30 PM - "Tripping the Rift"
Somehow, this managed to stay on the air for some time.
UPN, channel 14
Wd., 8:30 PM - "Game Over"
Golf clap for the lowest-rated show, live action or animated, of the last season. And honestly, the one episode I got to see of it wasn't horrible or anything; I just totally forgot about it. Man, I already feel bad for "Father of the Pride".
Speaking of which...
NBC, Channel 7
Tues. 9:00 PM - "Father of the Pride"
A few years ago, in those wonderful Before Bra-rmageddon days of the Superbowl, FOX showed commercials for a new series during the breaks. It was kind of high-concept, and as such was hard to sell. But they were so confident that it'd be a hit that they went ahead and ran at least two previews per commercial break hyping the new show.
That new show was "Greg the Bunny".
Do you see why I bring this up?
Comedy Central, channel 61
Wed., 10:30 PM - "Drawn Together"
Ugh, I actually had high hopes for this one. I ended up missing a full twenty minutes of The Big Game to watch the premier of this waste of celluloid. Like “Tripping” and “Pride”, the writers seem to think that long, long stretches of anything jaw-droppingly offensive is funny as long as it’s coming out of the fry-hole of a cute cartoon creature. That is about the extent of their sense of humor. (Even if you hate “South Park” or the notoriously un-P.C. World War II themed Looney Tunes, you have to admit that at least they know the elusive art of satire.) I want them twenty minutes back!
(Then again, I predicted that “Shark Tale” [Will Smith is a FISH and he quotes OLD MOVIE LINES!!! OMG! WTF??? LOL!!!] would be a spectacular bomb, so what do I know?)
Shows That, Sorry Kids, Your Auntie Nessie Won't Ever "Get"
Nickelodeon, channel 25
Times Vary (all Nick shows tend to jump around the schedule) - "Danny Phantom"
Most of the more recent Nick cartoons irritate the hell out of me (I guess I still haven't forgiven them for not taking a chance with "Invader Zim"). This one's okay. I just keep noticing that it could be so much better. Imagine if the writers put more energy into doing some research and finding some really imaginative adventures for their supernatural protagonist and less energy into finding room, in every episode, for yet another bloody parody of the "Matrix" teaser trailer.
It's tangent time! Look, "Futurama" already nailed the greatest "M1" parody of all time (look for the episode where Fry drinks 100 cups of coffee in a row) so enough already, okay? You're audience is too young to get jokes about an R-rated movie anyway, so what's the point?
The preceding was brought to you by somebody who thinks the greatest episode of "Animaniacs" was the one based off "Apocalypse Now".
Times Vary - "Fairly Oddparents"
I don't get it. It could be the fact that I dig the Celtic-inspired Brian Froud image of sublimely scary Fairy creatures more than the more socially acceptable b.s. involving sparkly wands and tutus. It could be that this show gives me a nasty "WishKid" flashback (if you remember that one, let's both hit each other for doing so). Or, more likely, it's because the main character looks like a deformed beaver.
Times Vary - "Jimmy Neutron"
Okay, I seriously think that it's true that sometimes you can't get past the character designs. Jimmy looks like something you'd order at Dairy Queen.
Times Vary - "the Backyardigans"
Uh... it's a little like "New Zoo Review". Only instead of truly horrifying costumed animal characters (is it me or did it look like Henrietta Hippo have two pairs of eyes?!?) we have marginally scary cartoon animal characters (what the blazes is that pink thing supposed to be?) Eh, it's got a moose in it. And a penguin. Rock on.
Times Vary - "Lazytown"
Barely comprehensible mayhem where freakish puppet people interact with creepy real people. This is punctuated by a scary fluorescent pink Swedish-pop lady jumping around to cheesy music in hopes that the little kids at home will dance with her. Yes, this is a show that is meant to get kids to exercise. A noble intent, I am sure. But given that the episode I watched centered around the main character doing a series of impossible Yuen Wo-Ping backflips (whilst brushing his teeth), I think they're going the long way around.
Cartoon Network, channel 60
5:00 PM - "Totally Spies"
"Omigawd, like, omigawd, like, omigawd!!!!!"
Lather, rinse, repeat for the entire half-hour. Imagine an unholy alliance between the second "Charlie's Angels" movie and "the Beverly Hills Teens" (in case you don't remember, this was an 80's cartoon that gave us weird kids many, many reasons to totally resent popular people).
5:30 PM - "Code: LYOKO"
This is yet another horribly dubbed trippy cartoon where things that I don't understand AT ALL happen for twenty minutes. Only THIS time, it comes from France! Between this and "Triplets of Belleville" and "Kaena", when the heck did France become the new Japan?
Kids WB! (WLVI, channel 12)
9:30 AM - "Xiaolin Showdown"
Uh... m'eh. Look, if you want an interesting reaction, then go ask either a real monk (or, perhaps, the Wu-Tang Clan) what they think of this.
11:30 AM - "the Boom Crew"
Say, what would happen if you took "Cyberchase", but got rid of any pretensions of being educational, and made it even more "I want to rip my own head off" irritating?
the FOX Box (WFXT, channel 25)
8:30 - "WINX Club"
Now, I'm being a little unfair towards this one, as I haven't watched an entire episode. As far as I can tell, you've got good witches and bad witches and they fight each other and barely avoid a copyright infringement from the producers of “W.I.T.C.H.”. While all of this could be interesting, it turns out that it's like "Totally Spies" goes to Crazy Magic-Land. Or "Sailor Moon" without all the twisted little weird bits that made it interesting. Bah.
9:30 - "One Piece"
This is about some kid that eats some magic berries and is granted transforming powers, as well as the ability to be the scariest looking Anime kid this side of those little green creeps in “Akira” (recall what I said about not being able to get past disturbing character designs). Also, he is a pirate.
So this is a cartoon about a shapeshifter, who is associated with magical plants, and is constantly after somebody else’s stash.
Somebody out there’s having a good laugh.
10:00 - "F-Zero"
NASCAAAAAAAAAR iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!!!!!!!
ABC Family (channel 26)
9:00 - “Super Robot Monkey Team Hyper-Force GO!”
I’m sorry, but he plot intracasies in this series are w-a-y too complicated for me.
9:30 - “Dragon Booster”
Okay, so there are these dragons (of the Lindorm type, if you care), and they were at war with humanity for a while but now they aren’t. Instead, they’ve... been tamed and are now the vehicles for a sort of archetypal Uberserpent take on “the Fast and the Furious”. I wish I was kidding.
??? (I really don’t care, let’s be honest) - "W.I.T.C.H."
Now, I'm being a little unfair towards this one, as I haven't watched an entire episode. As far as I can tell, you've got good witches and bad witches and they fight each other and barely avoid a copyright infringement from the producers of “WINX Club.” While all of this could be interesting, it turns out that it's like "Totally Spies" goes to Crazy Magic-Land. Or "Sailor Moon" without all the twisted little weird bits that made it interesting. Bah.
Shows For Little Kids That Make Your Auntie Nessie Worry About the Future
PBS Kids (WGBH, channel 2)
8:00 and 11:00 AM, 3:00 and 3:30 PM - "Dragon Tales"
I've been avoiding this one for too long. Basically, it wants to be an 80's cartoon in a time warp. (Rules of 80's cartoons: Be colorful. Be sci-fi/fantasy-themed. Make absolutely no sense to your young audience.) I guess it's okay but my cousin and her stupid friends sort of ruined it for me. Consider this:
What does the bathroom in Zack-and-Weezy's cave look like and how do they use it?
More importantly, what in the world are they going to do when one or both of them want to start dating?
1:30 PM - "Caillou"
(WARNING: Uncharacteristically vicious vitriol galore.)
I've avoided this one as well, but my reasons for doing so are more legit. YOU try watching an entire episode without wanting to bash your head against the wall, kicking yourself, bashing your head against the wall again, screaming, howling, crying, and so forth until It Goes Away. The title character is the Beast, mark my word.
A lot of cartoons made for small children are annoying. This one is GRATING. The characters, the voices, the music; it's all so abrasive that if this show slid down into a ravine, it'd gouge out new rivers and lakes and scrape away the layers of soil covering the underlying bedrock of granite. Watching five minutes of this cartoon is like being trapped in line behind That One Family in Sprawlmart*, and they are giving you one hell of a show as a barrage of whining Emo sissy songs blare on the speakers and lock themselves into your head until you want to Make It Stop using the method demonstrated in an Educational Scene in the film, "Pi".
Shows That I Actually Rather Like
T.L.C., channel 37
Weekdays, 8:30 AM (also 11:30 AM on Discovery Kids) - "Peep and the Big, Wide World"
This show has just got everything going for it. Everything! It's the daytime show I drop everything to watch; it's my soap opera. It is soooooooo kawii! ("Kawii" is a Japanese word that describes a level of cuteness that women my age are totally powerless against. This is the first time in years I have been moved to use it in context.)
Wow. I am really sad.
Cartoon Network, channel 60
Fri., 8:00 PM - "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"
This one's also cute as a gol-durned button. I love how the animation hearkens back to sadly obscure and aggressively whimsical animated films like "Twice Upon a Time" and Chuck Jones' take on "the Phantom Tollbooth". You know, I just like this series all the more now because I got a chance to say "hearkens".
Sat., 8:00 PM - "Justice League Unlimited"
I never got into the initial "Justice League" run. See, I could never remember when it was on. And the times when I *did* remember it was on (and apparently Neil Gaiman has this same problem [see American Gods] so I am in good company) it would always be one of five episodes I'd already seen! You know what I'm talking about? "Oh, come ON! Not the one with Felix Faust on the Amazon island AGAIN?!?" But finally, they have new episodes. Hurrah!
Sat., 9:00 PM - "Megas XLR"
A very funny parody of "Voltron"/"Power Rangers". Of course, the sad thing is the question of whether kids who aren't old enough to *remember* "Voltron" or the first season of "Rangers" can appreciate what's going on here.
Sun., 11:30 PM - "Aqua-Teen Hunger Force"
You know, sometimes all you need to do is hear the theme song and you're hooked.
Sat., 11:00 PM - "the Venture Brothers"
Screamingly funny skewering of all those hopelessly cheesy 60's action cartoons. I want the "Fantastic Four" movie to be exactly like the "Ice Station Impossible" episode. EXACTLY!
But you know, um, this sort of thing has already been done. Yup, it's Tangent Time again! This is just more proof that "Freakazoid" was way the heck ahead of it's time. Why in the world is the Freak not rerun on Adult Swim? Yes, I appreciate the "Futurama" revival. But come on, A.S. also reruns the three or four episodes of "the Oblongs". ”OBLONGS”!?!
Weeknights, Midnight - "Sealab 2021"
Hit-or-miss. For me the funniest episodes are the ones that are completely off the wall ("Dammit, they taste like candy!")
Kids WB! (WLVI, channel 12)
10:30 AM - "The Batman"
Not even comparable to the classic "Batman: the Animated Series". I have a lot of character design issues (the Joker really doesn't have to look like an Insane Clown Posse mascot) but it is interesting. I'm intrigued enough to watch where they go with this.
* - And here's what I meant by That One Family in Sprawlmart
Okay, say you're in Sprawlmart / X-Mart / Darth Wall / Big Blue / Big Box / Hell on Earth / Your Favorite Codename Goes Here. And you're ready to get in line. And you see that there is one register with only one family in line at it. And, naturally, you think to yourself, "Oh, I will go in this line, as there is only one family in front of me!"
Keep walking.
You see, there is usually a damned good reason why nobody else is in line behind this family.
Not Entirely Related Links: (I'm not even pretending this time.)
Mt. Ridesplace U.S.A.! - I want the rumored "Jungle Cruise" movie to be exactly like the epilogue to this. EXACTLY!!! (Requires Flash. The epilogue is after the first email "drop".)
Hmm... what does it say when “Homestar Runner” is the best Saturday morning cartoon out now?
Puffin Safari - Come on a wonderful adventure with magic everywhere, out at sea for a thrilling look at the exciting secret world of Fratercula arctica. Did you know that they can hold up to a dozen fish in their beaks at a time? I didn't! See, we learned something today!
Disclaimer: Images and other original content is © 2004 to Mad-Ness Monster (aka Mad-Ness, Nessie, Trish, ect.) It may be reprinted as long as this notice is attached. Share and enjoy. ^_^
All entities mentioned herein are © to their respective owners and no endorsement is intended. Please don't sue me, I am poor.
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