THE BABY
Everyone talks about the "baby" of the family,
but no one
ever does anything about him.
Is he the "favorite" of his mother? The last
hurrah of his
father? The indulged brat?
The baby sitter for Mom and
Dad?
It all depends on who you talk to.
I've gotten together a profile of
"the baby" of the family as
seen through
the eyes of its members.
According to his older brothers and sisters,
the "baby" is
spoiled, indulged, and reared without rules.
He got the digital
watch when he was 4,
a car when he was 12, an allowance
usually reserved
for heirs to the British throne, and got to sit
in the
white living room before he was 16.
He has never known curfews, what it means
to share a
bedroom, hand prints on his backside,
chores,
hand-me-downs, or heard the expression,
"Clean up your
plate." By the time he was born
the family had a full set of
encyclopedias,
a riding mower, two TV sets, big bucks to send
him to a college someone had heard of,
and he was encouraged
not to
work as it interfered with his grades.
Father views the "baby" of the family as his
last shot at
being a father...
a pal to take fishing, go to football games with,
and even violate the siding on the
garage by mounting a
basketball hoop on it.
When this one is launched it's goodbye tuition,
hello St.
Thomas...goodbye car insurance premiums,
hello sailboat.
He's at the end of the line and somehow
it doesn't seem very
important that the kid borrowed his
gasoline charge card
when he was a sophomore and
hasn't returned it since.
A mother's view of the "baby" is she's losing
ground on
what she does best. Mothering.
That is why when the "baby"
is 56, has a stomach that
hangs over his belt, and a hairline
shaped like the map of the Florida Keys,
he will still be her
"baby".
What she used to hit, smack and put the others in
their room for she now laughs at,
ignores, or says, "You're
such a tease".
Whether from guilt or the luxury of more time
she wants to
rap about how he feels about life.
She's more relaxed, has
fewer pressures and figures,
"What the heck, when this one is
gone,
I'll clean the house".
The "baby" has an entirely different approach
to his status.
He regards his position as a bummer.
Abandoned by the good
times, he is stuck with older
parents in a quiet house and a
refrigerator that holds only
low-fat milk, yogurt and honey
wheat bread without calories
or preservatives. He has the
pressures of an only child,
but the pain of an empty baby
book.
The "baby" will be with us forever,
but look at it this way.
It's a dirty job,
and someone has to do it.
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