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Matt of the Nile was born in Egypt in 2712 BC, supposedly on his birthday. He was to become the pharaoh when he reached the age of 12. On the eve of his 12th birthday he invented caffeine, and was declared the god of hyperness. He declared Coca-Cola the official drink of Egypt, even though it hadn't been invented in 2700 BC (he was always looking towards the future). But one day the evil priests in the Brotherhood of Crap decided to depose the Pharaoh. Using their priestly powers they turned the Nile to Pepsi. They did this by cutting off peasant's tongues and throwing them into the river (peasant tongues are still a main ingredient in Pepsi). The people of Egypt couldn't drink, their crops were dying, the ozone was deteoriating, planes were crashing, and lots of bad stuff was happening because the Nile had been poisoned. The Brothers of Crap poisoned Pharaoh Matt with Pepsi and he soon died. He became a mummy and was buried in Egypt for many years, until the Germans arrived. The Germans dug Matt up and took him off to Berlin to be experimented on. They soon were able to bring Matt back to life, but he was too dangerous so they told him to stay in a room by himself. To make sure no one could steal him they placed a sign on the door that said "Do not steal the valuable thing inside this room!". What criminal mastermind could penetrate this fortress of security? The evil Pepsi aliens did and stole Matt. They took his mystical bandages and took away all his mystical powers. But Matt had not forgotten what Pepsi had done to him! He fought the Pepsi aliens and escaped to Wasilla, a place where a 3,300 year old mummy would easily fit in with the local populace. Here he was discovered by Brian the Tall who adopted him as his younger brother. Brian took him to the UCCS, where his bandages were replaced. We didn't have any ancient Egyptian mummy bandage things so we used duct tape and post-it notes to replace his bandages. Now Matt is the secret weapon of the UCCS and has vowed to destroy Pepsi. |
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