By Her Spastic Silliness the Princess Mandarava,
Chocolate City Guild President (elected by voter fraud)
in the Church of Eris
The First
It was late in the evening and raining. After a long day, I had no intention but to sit and relax, enjoying the muffled sounds of the people in neighboring apartments mixing with the traffic from the open window. I lit some candles and poured myself one of the Red Hooks a friend had left in the fridge several evenings before. When I sat down on the couch, Eris was there sipping from one of the bottles.
I smiled. She giggled.
"I like the couch," She said.
"I hope so. You have always sit there when you visit," I replied, sitting down across from her on a plastic lawnchair that followed me home from a bar one night.
She had that expecting look on Her face. I knew this was the cue to start the Q&A.
"Lady, why do some of your followers claim not to believe you exist?"
She took a long sip from her beer and said, "Never mind the hamsters running around in your head. Unless they keep you up at all hours. Then again there is a bottle of bourbon over by the sink."
"Honey, you being a Goddess know that bourbon is only for the mornings when I have insomnia, not the nights."
"I know child. I was talking to myself again. To your question I can only say that some of my followers would rather think of me as just an idea, especially when I have bad hair days. Don't take any of them seriously when they do this. Just think of their confusion as your entertainment. A personal gift from me to you."
I smiled at her, knowingly. Then She was gone.
The Second
Another night after a long day. The weather today had changed drastically. It was frigid outside and I was happy to return to my warm home. I shook off the icicles, stamped the frost from my boots, and peeled my layers of sweaters off.
Eris was there waiting for me, sitting on my couch.
When my shivering stopped and feeling returned to my limbs, my mind could shift into the gear needed for thinking. I sat down next to Her.
"Eris," I asked, "How many Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Ah, my child. I see you are starting off the night on a philosophical note. No matter. I takes no amount of Buddhists to change a lightbulb. They just sit in the dark and find light from within, so they say."
"Then how many Wiccans does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"That depends on whether they have a high priestess available, but generally one to cast the circle and another to change the bulb."
"All right, Prettiest of Goddesses. How many Erisians does it take to change a light bulb?"
"Finally," She responded with a broad smile, "a question with substance. Child, Erisians would somehow get the lightbulb changed without anyone ever knowing how many of them it took. Non-Erisians would never see what it took because Erisians are smart enough not to allow anyone into the room unless the lightbulb was working already. But if that doesn't cut it for the evening's entertainment, then an Erisian would simply convince someone else to change the lightbulb as part of a recently created secret initiation into my mysteries. I don't condone this sort of thing, but I also see no reason to stop it."
And then She was gone. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep where I was sitting, hoping not to wake up with my face in a puddle of drool but too tired to care about preventing it.
(Caveat - the above may not be a word for word description of the event since it has been distorted by the pineal gland of someone who chats with Eris. Can you trust her? You decide.)
The Third
It wasn't exactly a long or tiring day. But I was happy for it to be over with. I looked forward to relaxing at home, listening to the noise coming through the window. Perhaps I would call up a friend for a chat.
I rode the elevator up, thinking about the weird man who got angry with me down in the vestibule because I wouldn't let him in the building. (I never saw him before, and if he lived here, he should have a key.)
When I closed the door to all that behind me, I saw Eris sitting on my couch again. I noted that She was drinking the last beer left in my fridge.
"All Hail Your Silliness, Miss Crafty Goddess Who Let My Coffee Maker Runneth All Over the Counter Top and Floor!"
"Child, that was my love tapping. I hope you're not cross. Did you think about what I said last night?"
"Last night," I responded, "No. I told you I would let it go in one ear and straight out my other. I've never been able to get into quantum mechanics. But I have a question for you tonight.
With all of this trouble, strife, and murder in the world, why don't you just bless these people instead of setting them off against one another?"
"Child, I was waiting for that one. Everyone asks that sooner or later. Since you don't know where the FAQ is and I am sure you didn't get the memo, here's the brief version. I said to you humans that if you don't like how you treat each other then you should stop it. I even gave the greatest blessing of them all, a huge golden apple for you all to share which tells you all flat out that each one of you is the Prettiest One."
"Lady, it seems that message was misunderstood."
"Indeed, child. That why I have created the bureaucracies to slow humans down and get them to think about their messes."
"Great Goddess of Rising Gas Prices, I believe that was misunderstood too."
"Of course," She winked, "It seems you humans have a knack for making messes and misunderstanding. But you people do choose this."
"Are you pulling my leg?"
"Child, of course I could be pulling your leg, but I have given you a butt to land on in case you trip. And for you specially I'll even cushion your fall with pillows."
She finished the beer and disappeared. Since I now had to go out to get more, I turned on the TV to scan the building security channel showing the vestibule. One can not be too paranoid being a woman alone in this city.
Nothing. I went down and left from the rear entrance anyway. As I came out of the alley, I saw a police car. On the corner two police were escorting the weird man who accosted me towards the car.
"Indeed," I said to myself.
[Note: More conversations and/or revelations will be added soon.]
Erisian Writings
PMM Updates/Intro
Bureaucracy 34th, 3172
by Mandarava, Admin. and Episkopos of the PMM.