“Blame – to
place the responsibility for (a fault, error, etc.) on a person.” (Random House Dictionary)
The blame belongs to the predator.
Sexual predators will tell and do anything to the victim to
make them believe that they are to blame. No matter what happened, no matter
how long the abuse, you were a child that was abused. And even adults that were
abused by a female sexual predator and/or male sexual predator you are not to blame, for the predator’s
depravity. (See Re-victimization for adult victims.)
The predator told you lies
about yourself, about why your body was reacting the way it did. Children do not understand sexual depravity of a predator, nor do children
comprehend sexuality or their own body’s reactions. What scared hurt child is
going to ask if what was happening was true and whom are they going to ask?
Children are taught to listen and obey adults. The book, “Abused Boys” explains
the powerlessness of children. The predator manipulated you and your body and
did unspeakable things to you, not with you, to you. And it does not make a
difference if you are a girl, boy, man or woman; you suffered just the same.
There are some survivors that blame themselves for
not saying something as a child. But the truth is most victims try to tell, by
their actions in regard to the predator, saying ‘No, I don’t want to go’, or
exhibiting rage, fits, getting into fights, depression, eating disorders,
physical sickness, etc. When children and adults are terrified to tell, the
trauma will surface in other ways. And some survivors were told nothing
happened, or the child’s pet or family members were threatened if the child
told anyone and many are told ‘No one will believe you.’ Children don’t know
that is not true. Also children who are terrorized by an adult may feel very fearful of another adult. An adult violated the trust and safety of a child so turning to another adult is almost asking the impossible of a child. They are terrified and isolated.
Predators will go to the grave stating that the victim wanted it, (attacks) and she/he will blame the victim. The predator will not admit that she/he had to trick, threaten, blackmail, beat, drug, restrain, any means to dominate and control the victim. The predator will not admit the
truth, because she/he believes that she/he is all-powerful and can say and do
anything and get away with it all. And to admit to the truth she/he would have to acknowledge what she/he truly is, disgusting and vile beings that plotted and
carried out her/his depraved attacks on an unwilling victim.
Predators will use mental coercion and physical
force to make the victim submit. Violent threats, beatings, torture, drugs, confinement, the most unthinkable is used by a sexual predator. It is never a victim's choice; a victim never chooses to be attacked.
The female/male predator may have escalated the
sexual abuse, torture, threats against the victim’s life or the lives of family
members, and blackmail when the victim threatened or attempted to tell someone
about the abuse or tried to fight back or escape.
Female/male sexual predators are sexual psychopaths, there is very little that will deter them from their goal which is attacking another. Many survivors did fight back, slap, punch, kick, etc., but that never seemed to stop them. Predators do not fear a victim's reprisals. It is as if they are not human, no shame, no fear, no empathy with a victim, no guilt, only hate and anger.
For men the realization of blame may be difficult
for two reason: First: the indoctrinated belief that boys or men can protect
themselves, that is an absolute lie. No one has that right to say that. We have
sent boys and men into harms way to stand before all as this impermeable wall
of protection, but who protects them? Who fights for them? Boys and men have
the same right to protection as we all do. Survivors are not weak, nor were we weak, because it took an enormous amount of strength to survive and to continue to survive in mind, body and spirit.
The gender of a victim is obsolete.
Whether boy, man, girl or woman, a victim that is terrorized, tortured,
isolated, abused, and blackmailed is still a victim. There is never a
justification or rationalization of sexual abuse.
Second: just because an erection occurs does not mean
that it was out of desire or sexual arousal, another lie that the predator will
tell the victim. Males can and do get an erection from fear, anger, or stress
and it is a bodily function and for some it is a conditioned response to anger
and fear. And for some girls the body may respond in kind, i.e., as if
something will be inserted, when frightened, angered or stressed. These are
conditioned responses to certain emotions, physical situations, abuse, types of
people, etc., similar to Pavlov’s dogs. *The book, “The Body Remembers” explains the conditioned response in detail and offers information to recondition the body. Furthermore, fear and anger is
emotionally linked to sexual abuse, it is not a function of desire. This type of reaction toward events, emotions or people is an awful feeling; it is an unwanted response. A conditioned response is automatic, no thought, just reaction. There is help, conditioned responses can be unlearned; it is possible.
And another issue is ejaculation/orgasm, this is also a function of the body, it is not desire when it is done against the will of the victim. The chemical reaction that occurs during ejaculation/orgasm is also a function of the body; it is not desire when it is forced against the will of the victim. Predators will use erections and the production of an
ejaculation/orgasm as a weapon, to place blame on the victim, hence the
statement “See you wanted it”. It is
absolutely untrue as well as enraging. But no matter what, the blame lies with
the predator; this was something done to your body. A body will respond to
friction, - desire and sexual arousal is not present when a sexual attack is
occurring. The only thought of a victim is survival. This (ejaculation/orgasm)in itself will often confuse a victim, especially a child, who does not comprehend their body's response. And this reaction may lead a victim to believe that they were to blame or wanted it. IT IS NOT TRUE. It is an awful, terrifying, response to a sexual attack, and it is emotionally painful. This is a difficult issue for most survivors; it was not what any survivor ever wanted to have happen. It is a sense of the body's betrayal.
There truly is a difference when there is respect
and mutual emotional affection between two consenting adults and that is
something a predator can never take away from a survivor.
Adult survivors that question their actions as a
child heap tremendous blame on themselves, but please realize those are
questions posed from an adult point of view. (A different perspective in the
now.) Some survivors may see the abuse from their now adult size; it may be
very difficult to see the small helpless, defenseless child that they were.
Survivors that were victimized as adults may still place blame on themselves.
However, when the body and emotions are attacked either by physical force or
blackmail / coercion some victims can become just as helpless and feel
defenseless as a child. (See Re-victimization)
Children are not self-aware, they still dress in
cowboy boots and shorts or the princess costume; they truly are unaware of
themselves. A child does not possess adult reasoning skills or adult strength.
Children do what they can to survive an attack and submission is not desire, it
is survival. And it is traumatizing for a child and an adult to be sexually
attacked and then told by the predator that she/he loves them and then the
predator tries to be nice to the victim. What are survivors supposed to do? One
second being brutally verbally and physically attacked, and then the next being
crooned to by the monster. It is beyond
reality, it is perverse.
Predators
have no remorse, they may seem to if she / he has been caught. But the reality
is there is absolutely no remorse. The predator does not care about their
victim(s), it seems unreasonable but it is the truth; and that is very hard for
many to realize.
If
you are seeking an apology or recognition of the abuse from the predator be
prepared to get neither. Many suffer wanting so much to be acknowledged, they
become angry, depressed and etc but even if no one else does you do or must. Predators
have no conscience.
You
may want the predator to recognize your pain and suffering and they do, but not
in they way most caring humans do. A victim’s pain and suffering is part of
their control over them. And a predator is not about to give a victim anything
that remotely resembles kindness. If they had it in them they (predator) would
have never harmed another.
There
is nothing that can be said or done to a predator that will make her /
him truly accept complete blame and acknowledge the devastation they caused.
And no matter what they say to their victim about why or how they did what they
did it does not change the fact that without hesitation they willing chose to
attack another. The victims are just
that they were the victims of a brutal person; there is no blame that should be
placed on a survivor.
This is your life and you are in control not the
predator(s). The shackles of anger, shame and etc do not have to control your
life. You have a right to be outraged and depressed at what happened but not at
yourself, you must care for yourself first, in a loving and kind way. Yes
you are worth the fight; you are worth loving and have always been.
(my soapbox) And
drowning your suffering in some form of addictions is not going to change what
happened and you are continuing to cause pain to yourself, and there has been
too much of that.
There
is absolutely no excuse or any reason in the world that could ever justify any
of the predator’s actions it is unacceptable and indefensible. It is an
Unforgivable Evil.
The trauma you suffered does not have to define your
life. You are more than the abuse. You are stronger than it you survived. But
your definition of survival is in your hands. You are stronger than you
realize.
Predators are no one to be believed. Sexual predators defined herself/himself by their choices they made and forced upon the victim. Predators are vile, lying filthy scum, so why believe anything that the predator said. Sexual predators know how to hurt, scheme, lie, betray, manipulate, torment, abuse, and all things evil, that is all she/he wants to know. There is never any reason for sexual abuse /sexual trauma.
The question, ‘Why didn’t I tell?’ comes from a perspective of ‘blame the victim’,which is unfair. And as stated above a child is vulnerable and easily controlled. Children are ordered by the predator not to tell. Children are told horrible things will happen to them or their loved ones if they tell. Sexual abuse, rape and torture has already happened to the child, and the child does not want it to happen again or to their loved ones. Bad and wrong = punishment to a child.
The books, “Repressed Memory”, “The Right To
Innocence” and “Abused Boys”, explains this and other issues in detail. And for
a child and adult survivor the shame, fear and humiliation of being so
absolutely violated may be too overwhelming to come forward.
Hopefully,
the healing and learning process will help put the abuse in perspective and put
the blame and anger on the predator not the survivor.