Fragments Of A Letter To Erika Gyurcs
Norman Wells, NT, Canada
July 16-19, 1993
From The Introduction
Things are not 'pieces of perfection' as the letter may make them out to be. I still choke on my own hypocrisy. ... The past couple of weeks has not been so kind to me -- recently injuring a couple of muscles in my body, I've been forced to reduce my weight training program and experienced serious mood fluctuations. I hope I'm coming out of it now.
... Nothing really matters anymore. The money is garbage. The job useless. The friends pass time in epileptic shifts of behavior. It seems I have little ground base anymore, but I feel this is necessary to transcend the values I have or once held.
... I want more than the Christian viewpoint. I want to know the apostate and the heathen. That is what I mean when I say I want to go beyond good and evil.
From The Letter
Your letters sure are interesting to read. You know, you're being too good these days; you've got to let some Satanism into your soul. These holy locks don't suit you.
... I don't see why you are worried (about me). I choose to live the way I do. I acknowledge being Satanic. Yes. Is that what was required? Jeez, I write that to myself in my journals every second day, I didn't need to do that here.
... Ego? Yes, but don't give me the holy line that you don't have one too. ... Have I become a Satanist? I don't know. It doesn't matter. I do my own thing. ... I just do what I think has to be done and hold no regret.
... My music is Satanic? Tell me something I don't know. ... (of music) don't tell me of your detoxification if you are still plugging the same drug into your arm and just using a different needle. ... Stop trying? You're talking to the wrong person girl. ... you say 'give God a chance', ... I'll leave this one alone totally, as I am still feeding off Satan's worldly delicacies -- deliberately.
You're really on this big destiny kick. That no matter what happens, the Grace of God has always been there -- always. From your hitchhiking days to now -- you've always told me this. That you're so damn lucky that somebody has to be looking out for you. Ok. Fine. That's you. Every childhood provides its own maze. Sure, truth is everywhere and made for everybody, but my goodness, not everybody lives in the same town you know.
To get to it the landscape varies for different people -- mountains, valleys, oceans, lakes, marsh, tundra ... different locks to pick ... different processes to undertake ... different definitions required for clarity. We are all needing something of our own to make that light -- that truth -- one and all powerful. I know you know what I say. But I don't really dig the Grace of God situation.
We shall see if I can do it by myself or not ... Sorry, but no god came to me and said 'get self-disciplined!' I choose to ... I mean if I really wanted to I could drink my face off each and every day, take forty hits of acid and never come back -- where was the Grace of God then, huh? There is no destiny. It's what you make of it.
The mind is a muscle ... Flex it. You've got to push it to the pain threshold in order for it to grow. Pain. Pain. Pain. You know I feed off it. You despise me for it ... you say 'you are just calling out to the devil', verrry good! Thank you -- I know. Now do you get it? There is no partiality with me. All or nothing. None of this *#@% halfway stuff. None of this crap which constitutes what Christianity is today -- mediocrity, laziness ... I hate -- despise -- half way! If you want to learn, then burn.
Okay, you say you don't have to burn your hand on the stove to know it is hot, to learn. How do you consciously know in the first place that it is hot? Because you've burned it before and react upon previous knowledge to discern the heat and hurt of the stove -- you've acted and learned and reacted on that knowledge -- good. You no longer have to repeat the process. Knowledge is yours.
What I aim to do with my experimenting is to shatter people's preconceived notions of things -- of experience. If I was a Muslim and listened to all my buddies -- 'Oh, don't even look into Christianity. It's stupid. Bad for you.' -- would I ever get to find truth? No, probably not.
What I am doing is looking through the eyes of each and every heathen and apostate ... to phoenix through each moment of life ... each hardcore experience. That's why I suck the darkness. That's why I consistently reach out to get burned ... because it does burn ... and the insight of that scars me to new heights. If you are going to listen to people and books and 'wise' wisdom all your life, then fine ... it's your choice. I don't. I can't. You know I have to do things for myself.
Born again? You make it seem like a one time event ... be born again every second of your existence! That's life and truth. ... Each time I hear that word 'Christianity', it makes me clench my teeth with rage ... to be a Christian .. to become a Christian ... I'm no #*&% Christian! Don't want to be either. ... screw what God people are possessed with ... that is not my 'destiny', and it never will be.
... Christianity died with Christ. 'Christianity' today is not what Christ taught. Every fake smile stuck on a preacher's slimy face is decadent -- acid eating the people's lives. Masked intentions, unknown even to themselves, in trying to be good. I want to be human -- a human !