Mirrored from THE ANTISHYSTER, Volume 9, No. 2 [http://www.antishyster.com] 1-800-477-5508 972-418-8993
True Confessions
by Bob Worn
The onset was insidious – I didn’t realize what I had become. . .
Oh, it started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker . . . I found myself consuming the writings of both the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution at one sitting – and on an empty stomach, besides.
I knew I had a problem, but I just didn’t know how bad. I began to think alone – “to relax,” I told myself at first – but I knew it wasn’t true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, until finally I was thinking all the time. I even began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunch-time so I could read The New American magazine. I’d disguise the Spotlight as my lunch wrap just so people wouldn’t see I was actually reading. I’d return to my office dizzied and confused with new insight, asking, "What exactly are we doing?"
Things weren’t going too well at home either. One evening I actually turned off the TV and asked my wife to think about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.
I soon developed a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in and said, "I like you, Bob, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find employment elsewhere."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I’ve been thinking . . ."
"I know you’ve been thinking," she shrieked, "and that’s why I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it’s not that serious."
"It is serious!" she screamed, her lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money! So if you keep on thinking, soon we won’t have any money! Money is what life is all about! DO you hear me?!"
I explained, "That’s a faulty syllogism, Dear" and she began to cry hysterically.
I’d had enough. I snarled, "I’m going to the library," and stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some "Take Back America" back issues. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors . . . but they didn’t open! My God, the library was closed! As I sank to the ground, clawing at the cold, un-feeling glass, whimpering for The Federalist Papers, a poster caught my eye.
It read, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" (You probably recognize that line; it’s from the standard "Thinkers Anonymous" poster.)
Soon, there I was, the newest member of "Thinkers Anonymous". I hesitated at first . . . then stood up and said in a nervous voice, "Hi, my name is Bob and I’m a thinker."
"HI BOB!" was the loud and friendly chorus from the other TA members.
Which is why I am what I am today: a "recovering thinker".
Now, I never go to the library, I never turn off the TV and I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porky’s. Next week it will be the Chartreuse Caboose. Beach Blanket Bingo is coming soon. And we never miss a replay of Monday Night Football, NEVER.
We always have refreshments – one type of pastry and one type of beverage – no choices – NO thinking!
It’s the way life should be. Calm – peaceful – no reason or temptation to think. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last TA meeting. Without TA, thinking could have ruined my life, my career, my marriage, and cost me my friends and loved ones. I shudder when I reflect on what might have happened.
But with TA, I still have my job (now that I stopped thinking, I even got promoted!) and things are a lot better at home, too – more quiet and . . . umm . . . unthinking. In fact, since I joined TA and stopped thinking, my whole life just seems, well ... somehow easier.
And now I fit into American society a whole lot better, too.
Isn’t life grand?
Finally, I want to apologize to all my friends and loved ones who were embarrassed or worried during my "problem days" of overindulgence in thought (some say thinking is in my genes . . . Heaven forbid!) Since I stopped thinking and made my apology, I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. Thanks for "listening".
(Hey, Porky’s II and Xena are on TV tonight – right after the CBS Evening News! Wanna come over and watch?!)
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