steve

Steve Pemberton is a man of many talents, from producing, to acting and writing. He is a forboding character, with shockingly blue eyes and an interesting chin. He is the master of one liners in interviews and is possibly the most quoted gent. All hail!!!

TUBBS TATTSYRUP: The simple wife and sister of the deranged Edward. She can't have children because her insides are all wrong. Anyway, her only son David lives in the attic. She hates strangers who come to her shop to capture the son or to buy cans of can't, and loves murdering non-locals along with Edward. But Tubbs is a sweet and meek lady, and you can't help but love her.

BEST LINE: THERE ARE TOO MANY!!! Um...(Edward, passionately wishing on a star) "I wish to put an end to new road, and for our futures to remain local..."
Tubbs: (eyes closed, fingers crossed) "Can I have a new dress, please?"

HERR LIPP: Guten morgan, kinder! Herr Lipp is the German teacher, with a more than normal interest in his young boys. He and his trusty companion Helmut will take you in his German mouth if you have trouble understanding his sayings, and also, with Herr Lipp, you can play game as to make love with the other boys. Though where's Justin? Ask Herr Lipp, the Queen of Duisberg. Alles klar? Gut, alles klar!

BEST LINE: (Justin) "We'll toss for sides, heads or tails?"
Herr Lipp: "Oh, I'm easy Justin, I know which side I'm playing on."

IAIN CASHMORE: The overly hopeful Attachments customer who found the dating service in his favourite monthly "Dog's Arses". He has the confidance of a corpse alive, the charm of a squirrel in the Mafia and the looks of your granny's arse slapped by an ugly stick. But as Olive says, miracles can happen!

BEST LINE: (Olive) "See, we have to ask if you want a physical relationship so we don't have people coming back saying, "Why did you force her, why did you force her?!" and..."
Iain: "I DIDN'T FORCE HER!!" (Olive looks terrified) (Iain, quietly:) "I didn't force her."

PAULINE CAMPBELL-JONES: The insanely unsympathetic restart officer whose job it is to come in every morning and tell her restarts how worthless and pathetic they are. She thinks the unemployed dole scum aren't even worth the shit on her shoe. She left everything she owns to her pens, pens having taught her everything she knows about people. If they don't work, you shake 'em, if they still don't work, you chuck away, bin 'em!!! She pines over a woman called Terri and lives by the Exocet-12 inches long, you know.

BEST LINE: Far too many, but one that springs to mind is, "Some of you like Ross here want to follow in your father's footsteps, but you can't sign on forever." Or the whole Egregious scene. Damn, she's brilliant!

HARVEY DENTON: The clean freak of Toad Hall. In this house you may not deposit solids into the downstairs lavatory, or shake hands with the governor of love. He is obsessed with his toads, having been cruelly called "Harvey Toadface" by people when a boy (and that was just his parents). He and his wife and two evil yet charming twin daughters live and ordered life of simplicity and self-abuse.

BEST LINE: "Benjamin!!! Did you pass a solid into the downstairs lavatory?!"

DAVE: The straight and straight forward third of Legz Akimbo. He has the acting skill of a dead hamster pretending to be alive, and hates Ollie just like...well, everyone.

BEST LINE: (Ollie) "I bet you there are some gays in this room.
Dave: "There's at least one that I know of!"
Phil: "Dave!!!"

ALLY: Henry's moronic sidekick, who scours the local video shop and whose arse has been indented on his floor due to his lack of moving from the telly. He likes videos with lots of killings, but doesn't like blueys.

BEST LINE: "I don't like that Bradley Pitts anyway."
Henry: "No?"
Ally: "Too much acting."