I just saw "The Bicycle Thief" and missed my dad so much. When we were dirt poor, my father would sell off all his treasured books, by the kilos to be used for wrapping goods, to buy food only enough for a few meals. He would take me by the hand, browse through rows of street market vendors, and collect the ingredients. His potato soup tasted supremely. One of these days, I'm going to re-publish his book of poetry as well as publish my own collection, his legacy and mine. I know he's still restless in spirit form. He sent messages to my psychic aunt to remind me. I just don't have the money yet.
I've been watching videos of Mr. Tam lately, the old ones in the 80's. Our master is so charming when he jokes. The frankness, authority, patience and love that are his trademarks impress me a lot. The last time I came to his lecture, Mr. Tam touched on a subject that even my friend Theresa thought was directed towards my mother. It was about following whomever and whatever without a will of your own. He also answered a question about a new place for Vo Vi, saying when someone opens his heart, it'll happen.
The teachings of Achaan Chan offer some good pointers. Let it be. Do your meditation without overzealous fervor. Every action should be free of expectation. Then naturally, enlightenment happens. He also encouraged solitude for beginners. I do value mine. In a way, I feel more keenly that I don't have a soul mate. I am meant to be alone. Now, if I could have enough money to take care of myself and enjoy life, I'd be okay. It's scary sometimes when I think of the uncertainties. Looking back, I am not sure how I got through some corners of my life where disasters could have struck mercilessly. The point is that the survival instinct is very strong. Primal. I feel light. Lighter. Like my bowl of polluted water has been emptied, waiting for fresh drops of rain. Let's see how this lifetime turns out.
Scientists have now just agreed that the age of the universe is between 12 to 13.5 billion years old. Imagine that! Assuming all souls were created from that first Big Bang, my cosmic age is between 12 to 13.5 billion years old. I don't remember a thing. What other life forms did I assume? Was I close to God? What sins pushed me down this far, to Earth? When will the ever expanding universe stop and collapse? When will I end?
thai ta