Why is it so hard for women to find men
that are sensitive,
caring and good-looking ?
Because all those men already have boyfriends.
What do electric trains and women's breasts
have in common ?
They were originally intended for children but it's the men
who play with them the most.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to
fertilize one egg ?
Because they won't stop to ask directions.
What are the three words that men hate
to hear during sex ?
"Are you done ?"
What are the three words women hate to
hear during sex ?
"Honey, I'm home!"
What's the difference between a girlfriend
and a wife ?
45 pounds.
What's the difference between a boyfriend
and a husband ?
45 minutes.
What is it when a man talks dirty to a
woman ?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to
a man ?
$3.99 a minute.
What is the definition of "making
love" ?
Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
What do you call a woman who is paralyzed
from the
waist down ?
Married.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig
?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
How can you tell if your wife is dead ?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead
?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
What's the difference between men and pigs
?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What are those small bumps around a woman's
nipples ?
They are Braille for "suck here".
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
Half an hour of begging.
What's the best way to make your wife scream
when you're
having sex?
Call her up and tell her where you are.
Why do husbands die before their wives
?
They want to.
Why do women have tits ?
So men will talk to them.
Why do women close their eyes during sex
?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs
?
So they won't hump female legs at cocktail parties.
Why are hurricanes normally named after
women ?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when
they go they take your house and car with them.
What's the difference between a woman having
her
period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist
What's the difference between your wife
and your job ?
After 5 years your job still sucks.
Why are men are like public toilets ?
The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.
What's the best thing about a blow job
?
Ten minutes of silence.
What is the definition of the perfect woman
?
A deaf and dumb nympho whose father owns a pub.
What do you call a woman with no asshole
?
Divorced or single.
What is the difference between a pregnant
woman and
a light bulb ?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Did you hear about the new "morning
after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.
What does a woman do with her asshole in
the morning ?
She makes him a sandwich and sends him to work.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye
contact ?
Breasts don't have eyes.
How can you tell if your husband is sexually
excited ?
He's breathing.
What do Kodak film have in common with
condoms ?
Both capture the moment.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get
up
in the morning ?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why are brides dressed in white ?
So they match the rest of the appliances.
What do you do with 365 used condoms ?
Re-cycle them into a tyre and call it a Good Year.
Why is pubic hair always curly ?
Otherwise it'll poke your eyes.
What's the difference between a slut and
a bitch?
A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have
sex with anyone but you.
Why is the penis so depress ?
His best friends are two nuts who live next to
an asshole.
What do you call the useless piece of skin
around a vagina?
A woman.
What do you call a man with no arms and
no legs, with
a ten inch penis ?
Partially disabled.
What two things in the air can get a woman
pregnant ?
Her legs.
What's the difference between worry and
panic ?
About 28 days.
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want,
then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they
want, then go to the refrigerator.
Why do tampons have strings ?
So you can floss after eating.
What's the ultimate rejection ?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist
during sex ?
She's not suppose to yell "Oh God, I'm ..."
How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups ?
Tell her she's pregnant.
How do you get a nun pregnant ?
Dress her up as an altar boy.
Why do women wear tampons when they skydive
?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
What is a man's worst nightmare ?
Dolly Parton bottle feeding him.
Which came first ? The chicken or the egg
?
Neither. Bill Clinton came first.
What is the difference between erotic and
kinky ?
Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery
guy have in common?
They can smell it but they can't eat it.
How do you determine the sex of your (computer)
mouse?
If there's a "pad" underneath, it's female.
What is the difference between a rectal
thermometer
and a oral thermometer ?
The taste.
What can you assume when you find a lawyer
buried
up to his neck in cement ?
Someone ran out of cement.
What will it take to reunite Nirvana ?
Two more bullets.
What did the instructor at the school for
Kamikaze
pilots say to his students?
"Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once".
What's the difference between meeting Bill Clinton and the Pope ?
When you meet the Pope you only get down on one knee.
Why wasn't Jesus born in the U.S.A ?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?
Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.
What is the similarity between Michael
Jackson and a
grocery bag ?
Both are made of plastic and dangerous for children to
play with.
What is Michael Jackson's favorite movie
?
"Honey, I Blew The Kids"
Why was Michael Jackson so excited when
he first heard
about Boyz II Men?
He thought it was a home delivery service.
How many alcoholics does it take to change
a light bulb ?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room
starts spinning.
Do you know why beer goes through your
system so fast?
Because it does not have to stop to change color.
Is it hard to spot the blind guy in a nudist
colony ?
It's not hard.
How did the blind girl burned the side
of her face ?
She answered the iron.
How did she burn the other side ?
Same guy called back.
How can you tell if a valentine is from
a leper ?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
What's the most popular pick up line in
a gay bar ?
"May I push in your stool ?"
Did you hear about the gay security guard
who got
fired from his job at the sperm bank ?
He got caught drinking on the job.
What did one lesbian frog say to the other
lesbian frog ?
"It's true, we really do taste like chicken."
What do you give the blonde that has everything
?
Penicillin.
What's six inches long, has a bald head,
and drives
blondes crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.
What do you say to a blonde with no arms
and no legs ?
Nice tits!
What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes
have in common ?
They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
What's the difference between a blonde
and a guy ?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.
What do you call a blonde with two brain
cells?
Pregnant.
What do you do when an Irish throws a hand
grenade at you ?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
What do you do when an Irish throws a pin
at you ?
Run like hell...he's got a hand grenade in his mouth!
Why did the Irish ice factory close down
?
They lost the recipe.
Why did the group of Irish stare at the
carton of
orange juice?
It said "concentrate".
Why don't cannibals eat Irish people ?
The last time they threw one in the cooking pot,
he ate all the potatoes.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns ?
They taste funny.
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