Synopsis: Janine and Natalie are depressed about their upcoming Christmases, so Natalie, Bianca, and Ricky propose a possible solution. David has fun with that. Art has a mostly blissful day with the family. Nellie plays up Jules' Christmas invitation for all it's worth. Ian is concerned about Gita's "toothache." Michelle confronts Phil--whenever Peggy's out of earshot--about Grant tormenting Sharon.

Directed by Geoff Feld.

Whist is a form of bridge (card game). A spanner is a wrench. Daft means crazy or foolish. Boxing Day is the day after Christmas.

The Cockney English noun, "punter" means a customer. A "quid" is a pound (money). A "bed sit" is a very small apartment. "Cheers" means thank you or good-bye (and is sometimes a toast). To be "chuffed" is to be very pleased. To "keep shtoom" is to keep mute, absolutely quiet. "Blimey!" (or "Blimey O'Reilly!") is an expression of surprise. (Note: "eh" is usually pronounced "Ay," like the name of the letter A, especially when at end of a sentence/question. Eh?)

Braces {} enclose unclear speech.

CHELLE = MICHELLE = CHELLE
NAT = NATALIE = NAT
KATH = KATHY = KATH

About 27 scenes.

24 characters: ART, PAULINE, MARTIN, PAT, JANINE, DAVID, SANJAY, CINDY, MICHELLE, SHARON, SONIA, CAROL, ALAN, RICKY, STEVE, NELLIE, BIANCA, NAT, KATHY, GITA, IAN, STEVEN, PEGGY, and PHIL. Cast list (cast.htm 3K)

Note: After Phil needed brain surgery, Grant had come and waited by his bed and was there alone in the middle of the night when Phil woke up. Then Grant got Phil to say Sharon forced herself on him and he couldn't say no. Now they can be good old brothers again.

When I printed this, it took 35 pages.

Transcribed via microcassette and copious notes.

[The Fowlers' living room. ART comes in and sits eating at table, PAULINE is sitting on the floor to left of him by the old fireplace and in front of the Christmas tree. MARTIN is standing toward the other side of it, decorating it.]

ART
Here we are. Breakfast is served.

PAULINE
Well. Finished. What do you think?

ART
I'll never get into it.

PAULINE
Oh, silly.

ART
[chuckles]

PAULINE
Come here, Martin. Aye-ah! Perfect.

ART
Where's his halo, then?

PAULINE
His what?

ART
His halo--for Joseph.

PAULINE
[to MARTIN] Was I supposed to make you a halo?

MARTIN
I don't know.

PAULINE
See, Joseph doesn't wear a halo, does he?

ART
'Course he wears an halo. He's holy, isn't he?

PAULINE
Is he?

ART
'Course he is; they're all holy, i'n' they?

PAULINE
[to MARTIN] Look, try an' remember. Were you supposed to have an halo or not?

ART
Look. Mary, Joseph, an' Jesus: they all wear halos!

PAULINE
Ohhhh. I better go find one, then haven't I?

ART
[to MARTIN] Yeah, you go an' get your bag ready, son. Otherwise you'll be late.

[MARTIN goes upstairs and PAULINE's gone to the kitchen. ART calls to her.]

ART
Hey. When does this play start?

PAULINE
Three o'clock.

ART
Oh, I thought I might pop along. It's not everyday you get to see your son play Joseph, is it?

PAULINE
Ah, actually, ah [comes back in] I thought we might ask Auntie Nellie; you know how much she misses Martin.

ART
Oh, have you mentioned it?

PAULINE
Weeks ago.

ART
Oh. Well, she's probably forgotten about it. Look, why don't--just you an' me go? An' then we can go out for tea afterwards--just the three of us. As a treat. What d'you say?

PAULINE
Oh, I think that's a lovely idea, Arthur!

ART
We should do more things as a family, now we're on our own.

PAULINE
Yeah. Arthur?

ART
Mmm?

PAULINE
About Christmas.

ART
Oh yeah, I'm really looking forward to that. Mind you the house'll be full won't it, what with us an' the kids. It's Vicky--that'd be six. An' Nellie--seven. An' this table's gonna be a bit cramped, i'n't it?

[PAULINE's face got a grateful look. She's sitting at the table.]

PAULINE
Oh. [kisses him on cheek]

ART
What's that for?

PAULINE
You're a lovely man. Do you know that, Arthur?

ART
[amused] Wha.

PAULINE
Nellie!

ART
Oh! Well, she's family, isn't she?

PAULINE
I tell you what--

ART
Mm.

PAULINE
Why don't we ask her out for a drink. An' invite her, you know, properly. Make her feel wanted.

ART
As long as it doesn't stretch into Boxing Day, it's fine by me.

PAULINE
All right. Here--what'd you think. [holding a big-ish wire strainer over her head]

ART
What you holdin' that for?

PAULINE
Well, it's a halo. Take the middle out an' hey-presto!

ART
[disgusted] That's daft, that is! Better go down the shed and make one--I'm not gonna have a son of mine play Joseph with a--a sieve on his head! An' that's that. [gets up to go to the shed]

PAT
What's the matter, love? I thought you'd be jumping up and down for joy! Last day of school. Christmas holiday's coming up.

JANINE
[quiet] Nothing to look forward to, is there?

PAT
[encouraging] Well, of course there is, darling! I'm takin' ya Christmas shopping, aren't I, remember?

JANINE
I don't wanna go. 'S no point.

DAVID
What kinda attitude's that, Janine. We gettin' too big for the {fair now we're grown}, are we?

JANINE
You think he might surprise us, Pat, an' come back for Christmas? [she is depressed]

PAT
Um. No, I don't think so, love.

JANINE
I thought that he cared about us.

DAVID
Listen, darling. I tell you what we do, eh? This afternoon, after school, I come an' pick you up in that posh new motor of mine, yeah? An' we go an' buy you something really special. How about that? Well just tell me what you want, then!?

JANINE
[tearful] I want Dad an' Ricky to be here for Christmas, that's what I want! [rushes upstairs]

[PAT wants to follow her.]

DAVID
Leave her, leave her, Mum. Leave her.

PAT
David, she's upset.

DAVID
Best left alone.

PAT
No, she isn't!

DAVID
Look, you left me on me own an' I had to get on with it! [calms, resigned] Mom, why don't you invite Bianca an' Ricky on Christmas day, eh? What's stoppin' ya?

PAT
[sighs]

SANJAY
I remember Sharamila at that age.

CINDY
Yeah. I bet she didn't scream as much as these two, though.

SANJAY
I can't imagine havin' two--I mean one's a full-time job in itself.

CINDY
Yeah. Tell me about it.

SANJAY
They're worth it, aren't they?

CINDY
Yeah.

SANJAY
So what're you doin' out so early?

CINDY
Well, I have a few things to catch up on, you know, and, uh--have you seen Gita? I went 'roun' the flat an' she wasn't there.

SANJAY
Oh, you just missed her. She's gone off to order some new stock. She won't be back for a few hours.

CINDY
A few hours.

SANJAY
Yeah, it was important?

CINDY
Noooo. Ah. It's just I wanted a word.

SANJAY
Hey, you two still doing swimmin' then.

CINDY
[nervous] Yeah.. Why?

SANJAY
Nothing. Gita was just sayin' how much she enjoyed it.

CINDY
Oh!

SANJAY
You two should go again. You never know; I might join you next time, eh?

CINDY
[smartly] Sorry. Mum's only. [leaves smiling]

MICHELLE
Just thought I'd pop up, to see how you are.

SHARON
Yeah. Thanks for last night, 'Chelle. Appreciate it.

MICHELLE
Did you sleep?

SHARON
Not a lot.

MICHELLE
There wasn't any more trouble after I left, was there?

SHARON
No.

Nothing--He was dead to the world. Still is, I hope.

MICHELLE
Oh, Sharon, what're ya gonna do?

SHARON
I just don't know anymore, 'Chelle. I can't go on like this. [breathes in and gets louder, angry] You know I thought this would all stop when I told him I signed those papers.

MICHELLE
What's gonna happen when he finds out you haven't? Oh. Sharon, you don't have to put up with this; nobody does!

SHARON
Oh, God, how'm I gonna stop him, eh?

SONIA
An' they'll really be here for Christmas, then?

CAROL
Yeah! It'd be great, wouldn't it? Be like a full house.

SONIA
It'd be a bit squashed, won't it?

CAROL
Well, I thought you'd be pleased Ricky an' Bianca were coming.

SONIA
Well, I am! But.. uh.. it's been great since Bianca's been gone. I don't wanna share my room again.

CAROL
[as she comes over to her] Oh! This is what this is all about, is it? No, course not. They're just comin' for the day, i'n't they, mm? [kisses her head]

SONIA
Oh! In that case, I'll go an' tell Gran an' Billy. [is up, turns at the door] I hope you bought us a big enough turkey. You'll really be in trouble, won't ya? [leaves]

ALAN
[chuckles] She's sharp as a tack, that girl!

CAROL
Alan, what are we gonna do?

ALAN
No worries. I'll have a word in Big Ron's ear. He's got a mate who's doin' a deal with some, uh, neat turkeys.

CAROL
Oh, yeah.

ALAN
Yeah, straight up! Half the retail price! All Quality stuff!

CAROL
I should hope so!

ALAN
Trust me. It's gonna be a good Christmas.

CAROL
[is standing by him and he gets up and kisses her head] Mm.

RICKY
'Ello Pat.

PAT
Busy?

RICKY
Yeah, I ain't stopped.
Look, Pat, I'm, I'm sorry about the other night.

PAT
It's hardly your fault, is it? I'm glad Bianca came back, though. I just hope for the bet--you're not afraid to come around the house again.

RICKY
No of course not!

PAT
Well; things are coming up {close} for you at last, aren't they? 'Bout time an' all. Got a nice little earner, here, your own place, a lovely girlfriend--

RICKY
You mean that?

PAT
Who you're obviously crazy about.
I know we got off on the wrong foot, that's all. Mind you that mother of hers is a different kettle of fish all together.

RICKY
[cautious, quiet] She came around.

PAT
Eh?

RICKY
[cautious] Her an' Alan, ah, came around last night.

PAT
You're kiddin'? After the display she put on the other day?

RICKY
[fast] Look, she said she was sorry, I mean, she said things are gonna be different from now on.

PAT
For you, maybe. But her an' me go back too far for that--anyway, I didn't come 'round here to discuss Carol Jackson!

It's Janine I'm worried about.

RICKY
Why--wwhat's happened?

PAT
[pause] Poor kid. She was in such a state this morning I just had to come 'round here and ask ya--

RICKY
Well, ask me what--

PAT
Will you come over for Christmas Day?

Well, her Dad's disappeared, you've moved out; please say you'll come, Ricky--an' it's not just for her. I'd like it an' all.

It wouldn't be the same without you.

RICKY
[difficult situation] The thing is, Pat, I'm, see, I--I want to, I mean, it's, but we--

PAT
What?

RICKY
Well, well we've already said yes to someone else.

PAT
[disappointed] Oh.

RICKY
Carol Jackson invited us.

PAT
[thrown for a loop, stunned] What?

RICKY
She asked us last night.

PAT
[now angry] An' she comes before family, does she? Well, I'll let you tell Janine that, shall I?

[as she leaves, appeals to him] Think about it.

RICKY
[what a spot!] Uh!

SHARON
Cuppa?

STEVE
Yeah. Cheers.

SHARON
Um. I'll make you some breakfast if ya fancy it.

STEVE
Uhm. Tea'll be fine. I didn't realize it was so late.

SHARON
Well, you probably needed some sleep after last night, eh?

STEVE
Yeah, you could be right.

SHARON
I'm sorry about all the noise, Steve.

STEVE
[breathes in] What time did you get to bed?

SHARON
Can't remember.

STEVE
What 'appened?

SHARON
Don't wanna know.

STEVE
You all right?

SHARON
Don't ask. [gives him some tea, sits down]

STEVE
Cheers.

SHARON
Steve. I know things have been pretty rough-going lately--livin' here, I mean. You won't leave, will ya?

Look, I know it's a lot to put up with, but please; you won't go.

STEVE
Nah, of course not.

SHARON
[relieved, grateful] Ah! Thanks Steve. 'Preciate it. [gets up]

[STEVE has been nice but now that he's said that, and her back is turned, he's got a tired look on his face.]

PAULINE
Actually, Auntie Nellie, um, I wanted to have a word with you about something--

NELLIE
Ohh! I haven't forgotten, you know!

PAULINE
'Bout what.

NELLIE
Martin's school nativity play! I put it straight down in my diary soon as you told me.

PAULINE
Oh, yeah, that--that--

NELLIE
I'm really looking forward to it tomorrow.

PAULINE
This afternoon.

NELLIE
It's not, is it?
Ooo, I don't know how that could 'ave happened.
I've got a whist drive this afternoon.

PAULINE
Oh that's a shame!

NELLIE
I'll have to cancel. I can't get locked 'n' down, now, can I?

PAULINE
Oh, no! Don't worry, I'm sure Martin'll understand!

NELLIE
He'd be so disappointed.

PAULINE
Well, actually, his teacher said that he was so nervous that the fewer people there are there, the better.

NELLIE
Oh, the poor little lamb. Well, maybe it's just as well.

PAULINE
Yeah--[polite, nice] Um. Anyway, look: why don't we meet up for a drink. Um. Tonight, say 7:30 at the Vic, because, ah--well there's something Arthur and I want to ask you.

NELLIE
Oh! That would be very nice, Pauline. It'll have to be an early one, though 'cause Jules is cooking--

PAULINE
If it's inconvenient--

NELLIE
No! No! I'll be there, heh. [smiling as she's leaving] Be really nice to see you both, heh. Bye!

PAULINE
Bye.

BIANCA
Look, I'm wonderin' if you might wanna come around for tonight for a {manicure and ?}.

I'd love for you to come around.

NAT
No thanks, I'm booked up.

BIANCA
You're kidding!

NAT
Think about it.

BIANCA
Well, come on, Nat! Don't be like this!

NAT
Like what?

BIANCA
I don't know what's got into you! You're a right Misery Gus, do you know that?

NAT
If I could just get my own place; might be all right leavin' home.

BIANCA
Well, it's easy: just go an' look for one!

NAT
Oh, easy for you, you mean. I mean, things just seem to fall in your lap! Not all of us get away with not payin' any rent, do we?

[BIANCA sits at a table as RICKY comes in. He's preoccupied and upset.]

BIANCA
What's the matter with you?!

RICKY
[sighs] I had Pat 'round this morning 'id'n' I? She invited us for Christmas!

BIANCA
What?! N--No, I ain't lettin' my Mum down now--she'd go bananas!

RICKY
Yeah and in meantime Janine's havin' a breakdown being left all alone.

BIANCA
Uh, I can't believe this. We can't win, couldn't we?

NAT
[comes up, quietly] {?? pingpong??} Get 'em all together.

RICKY
What?

NAT
Well that should make for a merry old Christmas, shouldn't it?

BIANCA
Thanks a bunch, Nat.

RICKY
Tell you what, that ain't a bad idea, you know.

BIANCA
Oh, come on! There's no way!

RICKY
Yeah, but it's a solution i'd'n' it?

BIANCA
They'd never agree to it, though!!

RICKY
Well, there's no other way, is there? What else we gonna do?

BIANCA
What? You mean just go an' tell 'em?

RICKY
Well, yeah! Why not?
It's about time they buried the 'atchet, eh--yah--Look, we can go around Pat's tonight--

BIANCA
Yes, I have to sort Mum an' Alan out. It ain't gonna be easy, though.

RICKY
[amused and relieved, getting up] Well, huh, it's up to them, i'n't it--if they want to see us.

BIANCA
Where're you goin' now?

RICKY
Goin' out to see Sanjay. I'm gonna tell him we're gonna start payin' rent from now on.

BIANCA
You what?!

RICKY
Look, Bianca, I felt awful takin' that money off your mum! Should never have pretended I was payin' it!

BIANCA
I was only stickin' up for ya!

RICKY
Yeah, well it's up to me to put things straight, i'n' it?!

BIANCA
You're mad, you are! No one'd find out!

Anyway, we could save up that money an' {come like a romantic holiday} Reckon?

RICKY
Oh, it'll have to wait. [leaving]

BIANCA
Oh, charming.

[RICKY's left and KATH comes in.]

KATH
I'm sorry I'm so late. Loo--why don't you take a break, eh?

NAT
Oh! Cheers, Kath. [brings a tea for BIANCA] Here, I thought you might like another one on the 'ouse.

BIANCA
Oh, thanks, Nat!

NAT
Uh. About tonight: maybe I will come around, after all.

BIANCA
[hasn't the patience]

NAT
All right, I won't.

SANJAY
[to a punter] You gonna look slick. See ya.

DAVID
You're lookin' pleased with yourself.

SANJAY
Fifth one today. Must be my new after shave, eh?

DAVID
Must be your lucky day. [hands him Bianca's rent]
How is everything over the road--all right?

SANJAY
Fine. Why?

DAVID
An' you got rid of all those cockroaches, I take it.

SANJAY
Oh, yeah. All dealt with.

DAVID
Yeah. You better have done. Because, uh, otherwise I'll take you down the Rent Control Bureau. And don't spend it all at once. [leaves]

RICKY
[running over] Hey Sanjay! Look--I--just want a word, it's about the bed sit.

SANJAY
Loo-I'll, uh, sort those cockroaches out as soon as I can, all right?

RICKY
No, no! It's not about them. Look--you, uh, you've been brilliant lettin' us stay there for free.

SANJAY
No sweat, mate.

RICKY
But listen, uh, I'm earnin' now, so you'll be gettin' some rent off us, right? I'll settle up with you tomorrow if that's all right.

SANJAY
Ricky. Ricky, I don't want it. Why don't we just leave things as they are.

RICKY
No, it's not fair!

SANJAY
What's not fair?

RICKY
Well, why should everyone else pay an' not us!? You know, that ain't on, mate!

[earnest] Listen, thanks anyway, but you're gettin' it whether you like it or not, all right? [leaves]

[SANJAY looks half annoyed/worried, half opportunistic.]

PAULINE
I've known Sharon for years; I'd be the last person to turn my back on her--I don't care if he is muckin' her about--I think she's brought all this on herself--

MICHELLE
Oh so that means he can treat her like a piece of dirt, does it? Mum, if you could see what he's doin' to her, it's sickening! Oh, but it's all right if he totally humiliates her because, after all, she's brought it on herself, i'n't she? [has said her piece, leaves in disgust]

SANJAY
All right? Look, it's just come in. Bargain at twenty quid.

NAT
Actually, I wasn't looking for a dress. Um, I was just wondering, well, inquiring, like--have you got any bed sits free?

SANJAY
What? For you?

NAT
Yeah, {my mum's just being demanding.}

SANJAY
No, I'm afraid not.
Look, I'm telling you, you're best off where you are. I mean, the last place I wanna be on Christmas Day is in one of those. I can't think of anything more depressing.

NAT
[sadly, flatly] I can. [heads on her way]

[NAT walking. GITA passes her, from the opposite direction. GITA's cheerful.]

GITA
All right, Natalie?

NAT
Yeah. Why shouldn't I be?

GITA
Oh, nothing, you just look fed up, that's all.

NAT
Oh, sorry. [sarcastic, fake cordial, smile] Betta? [continues on, so does GITA]

GITA
[comes up to the stall] Hi.

SANJAY
All right? {Look at that.} Did everything go all right?

GITA
Great. I got some great new stock an' a wonderful price on it.

SANJAY
All right. Well, we can go through all of this now if you like. I mean, I'll get someone to cover.

GITA
I can't. I've gotta go pick Sharamila up. But, uh, how about later on this evening? We could meet for a drink? 7:30 in the Vic?

SANJAY
Yeah, great.

GITA
[cheerful, turns to leave] See you later, then.

SANJAY
Oh Gita.

GITA
[turns] Yes?

SANJAY
Uh, Cindy was looking for you.

GITA
Oh? Do you know what it was about?

SANJAY
No, but she seemed uptight, though, whatever it was.

GITA
Right. Okay.
[continues on her way and IAN's in the market, too.]
Oh Ian! Where's Cindy?

IAN
Uh. She's gone shopping with the kids.

GITA
Oh, well, when you see her, will you tell her I'm back? Apparently she's been looking all over for me.

IAN
[a bit preoccupied, isn't really stopping] All right, will do.

[stops, calls back to GITA. They're a bit far apart now] Oh! Gita!?

GITA
Yeah?

IAN
How's your teeth?

GITA
Eh?

IAN
[pointing at his teeth] HOW ARE THEY?

Oh! Never mind. [continues on his way]

[GITA confused and amused, watches IAN go on.]

KATH
[giving NAT some money] Here you go. Go on, take off.

NAT
What's that for?

KATH
Call it a Bonus. Go on!

NAT
Cheers, Kath!

[CHELLE's just come in and NAT lingers, listening.]

CHELLE
Um. Quick word with you Kathy? Um. Do you know how Phil's doing?

KATH
Well, I went to see him yesterday. Can't say it was easy.

CHELLE
Don't suppose it was.

KATH
Still, he's being well looked after, i'n't he?

CHELLE
Yeah, well, I--I's just wonderin' if you could give me Peggy's address? I thought I might send him a Christmas card.

KATH
Yeah, yeah, 'course you can have it. [fishes for paper and pencil and writes it down]

CHELLE
Cheers.
An' I might not want to--

KATH
No, go on.

CHELLE
Thank you. [is leaving]

KATH
Fine. [turns back to work]

NAT
[quietly] Um. 'Chelle.

CHELLE
Yeah?

NAT
I couldn't help overhearin' an' I--I--I just wondered, well, you couldn't give me Peggy's address, could ya?

Loo--I just wanted to give him a card, you know, cheer him up a bit. Let him know we're thinking of him. Must be lonely on his own, eh?

CHELLE
[hands her the address and NAT uses her order pad to copy it]
{What--on his own}, he's got Kath.

NAT
Yeah, but he's there an' she's here. A bit odd, that, i'n't it?

CHELLE
Is it?

NAT
Yeah, well, you--you'd a thought she'd gone an' looked after him. Don't ya think?

CHELLE
[dumbfounded, unbelieving, half out of it] No. I think that you should just get on with the job that you get paid to do. [takes the paper, and leaves her with a look]

NAT
[has the rest of the address in her head]

DAVID
Mum's in the ah, uh, all right.

PAT
Ricky. Oh always a lovely surprise, isn't it darling? Want some {coffee first}? Do you--

RICKY
No, I'm all right. We're ah, we're not stopping.

PAT
Oh, right.

RICKY
Listen, ahhh. Me an' Bianca have been discussing Christmas, an', we've come up with a solution. [pauses, nervous]

PAT
Yeah?

DAVID
[quiet] What's that then?

RICKY
Well, we all spend it together, don't we?
[to the stunned silence] What d'you think?

JANINE
Does that mean I'll see you on Christmas Day?

RICKY
Yeah, that's right! You'll see me, Pat, David, Bianca an' all her family--

BIANCA
An' everyone's happy, i'n't they?

RICKY
Yeah. Well?

PAT
[breathes in] What's Carol have to say about this?

BIANCA
Well, she said to come an' check with you first to make sure it was all right, didn't she?

RICKY
Yeah, yeah--that's right.

PAT
Oh, did she now?

RICKY
Well?

PAT
[breathes in] If it's the only way I'll get to see you over Christmas, I'm willing to give it a try.

[RICKY and BIANCA are pleased.]

DAVID
Well, I think it's a great idea! The Butchers an' Jacksons all under one roof. Couple glasses of Mum's punch, we'll all be doing the hokey-pokey around the living room! Well, I'm dashing over to the Vic for a half an hour. See you later. [takes off]

RICKY
All right.

PAT
Well, listen, you two. There's one thing I'm not budging on, do you hear me?

RICKY
What's that?

PAT
Gonna be Christmas in this house.
[final, that's that] I've ordered the turkey, I'm gonna make {big rolls}, an' I'm the one who's gonna be cookin' it. Okay?

[RICKY and BIANCA exchange relieved yet anxious looks.]

CINDY
Oh! Cheers!

IAN
Right. Now you stay there, an' I'm gonna go {bath} the twins, all right? [going]

CINDY
All right.

IAN
Oh! I nearly forgot, I bumped into Gita this afternoon.

CINDY
[anxious] Did you?

IAN
Yeah, she was asking me what did you wanted to see her about.

CINDY
Oh, I do?

IAN
Oh, well she obviously thinks you do.
You all right?

CINDY
Yeah! Fine!

IAN
Hey, listen. Why don't you, ah, go with her swimming again tomorrow? I mean I'll, baby-sit for you. I was going to mention it to you but I completely forgot. Why don't you give her a call? Ask her.

CINDY
No. It's a nice thought, but not to worry.

IAN
Oh! Why not? It'd do you good!

CINDY
No, uh, I think I might have a bit of a chill coming on. Best to leave it, you know, just in case.

[IAN leaves and CINDY's got something on her mind.]

DAVID
[as he's coming through the crowd] Hello mate? All right? All right mate? [up to CAROL and ALAN] Oh! I'm glad I bumped into you two! Here, let me get you a drink. You bet.

Well, it's something to celebrate tonight, i'n't it?

CAROL
What are you on about?

DAVID
[grins] We're all gonna be One Big Happy Family.

CAROL
You on some sort of medication?

DAVID
[dumb pause act] Oh, I see! You've not been told, oh, uh. I thought you had. Yeah, Ricky an' Bianca have been at our house tonight. An' they've been discussing the arrangements for Christmas Day an' they've come up with this marvellous idea that we'll all spend it together!

ALAN
All of us.

DAVID
Blimey, he's quick, i'n' he? I can see the attraction.

CAROL
An' this was their idea, was it?

DAVID
Yeah! They're uh, they're over there organizing the party games now. We've got, uh, Sweepity-Sweep, Blind Man's Bluff, a couple o' rounds of Musical Chairs an' that's all before lunch. [more but indecipherable--CAROL's talking over him by now]

CAROL
An'--an' Pat's agreed to this, has she?

DAVID
Yeah! She's on the phone now, orderin' more party crackers. [cheery] So. What you both havin'?

ART
I really enjoyed myself this afternoon, you know.

PAULINE
Oh, yeah. I felt so proud when Martin came on an' made his speech to Mary an' the Wise Men.

ART
[chuffed] Yeah. You could hear a pin drop in that hall, couldn't ya.

PAULINE
An' all of the kiddies' faces when they sang that song to Mary and Joseph.

ART
Yeah.
I think they could o' gotten a better Baby Jesus, though.

PAULINE
What cha' mean?

ART
Didn't you see? When they picked it up out o' the crib, it's leg fell off!

PAULINE
[amused] Oh! Arthur, don't!

ART
Yeah--did you see Martin--as quick as a shot, he went an' grabbed it, an' hid it behind his back! It was lovely, really lovely. [proud, chuffed] Ha, ha, ha. [PAULINE pecks him on the cheek] Oh! What was that for?

PAULINE
That was for the lovely tea we had afterwards.

ART
Oh, yeah; we should do that more often!

PAULINE
[sees NELLIE looking for them and making her way through the crowd] Mm!
Remember, not a word about Martin.

ART
[hushed] 'Course not, no.

[NELLIE reaches them.]

ART
Hello, Nellie! [she sits] What can I get ya?

NELLIE
Oh, I won't; thank you. Jules is doing some chops and I've got a crumble in the oven, heh, heh! Now! What was it you wanted to see me about? Now, if it's anything to do with the money, I've already told you, it doesn't matter any more, eh--

PAULINE
But it's nothing to do with that at all.

NELLIE
[almost giddy] Oh! Eh! So what was it, then?

ART
Well, eh, we wanted to ask you if you'd got--come over for a quick drink or something, at Christmas.

PAULINE
[pause] What Arthur means is: we'd like you to come an' spend Christmas Day with us.

NELLIE
[a bit subdued but gracious] Oh. Thank you both, all the same, but, uh, Jules has already asked me. I'll be spending the day with him.

PAULINE
But he always goes to Norwich at Christmas, to his son's.

NELLIE
Not this time. He's got other plans. An' he wants me to be part of them, eh. Sorry about that.

Well. I better be gettin' back. Jules'll be wonderin' where I've got to, heh. [standing]

[as she's turning and leaving] The thought was appreciated all the same. Oh. Maybe if I get a moment, I might pop in for a quick hello, eh?

PAULINE
[stunned] I can't believe it. She's actually snubbed us!

ART
[pleased] Yeah! You know, every now and again, you get one of those blissful days, when everything goes right. Do you know what I mean?

PAULINE
[not pleased with him] No, Arthur, I can't say as I do.

ART
Well, today's one of 'em. Cheers: to a very "Happy Christmas." Ha, ha!

CHELLE
Hello again, Peggy.

PEGGY
Oh! Michelle! This is a nice surprise!

CHELLE
I'm, sorry to just turn up like this, I only just um--

PEGGY
Oh! It's all right! Come on in. Oh, Phil'll be really pleased to see ya. I'll just go an' wake him.

CHELLE
Oh, no, don't disturb him--

PEGGY
Oh, don't be daft! I was going to give him a shout anyway. Go on. Go on through. [confidentially] To be quite honest, he hasn't had that many visitors. Grant's been, of course. But you know what's funny?

Kathy. Only shown her face the once. Quick cup o' tea an' then she was off again! And as for Sharon, tsk, tsk.

Well, I suppose she has a pub--somebody's got to keep an eye on things, haven't they? But you'd o' thought she'd o' made the effort, wouldn't ya? Huh, huh, ha; I don' know. All these women with their own businesses! Bit different in my day I can tell you. If your old man was taken ill, you were expected to drop everything, an' that was that. Sit down, Michelle.

IAN
Hello?
Oh, hello Gita.
Yeah--I-- [CINDY's taken the phone from behind, he says to her:] --It's all right, love. I was only going to ask her how she was.

CINDY
[on phone] 'Ello, Gita? Yeah--can you hold on a moment? Thanks. [to IAN] Ian, could you go an' finish off, uh, Steven's story? He's asking for ya.

IAN
Yeah, all right. [goes with book she's handed him]

CINDY
[on phone] Hi, Gita? Yes sorry 'bout that. Um. Look.
What I wanted to ask you--hold on--What?!

IAN
[has returned, went right to the couch with his paper] He's asleep.

CINDY
Uh. Gita. Look, it doesn't matter--no, no--uh, uh, I'll talk to you about it tomorrow.

Oh, you goin' somewhere nice?
All right then. Bye. [hangs up]

IAN
I don't know what's got into you all of a sudden.

CINDY
Ian, he can't be asleep! I only just left him!

IAN
Wha--he was droppin' off anyway! I mean, what does it matter? Now come an' sit down an' relax, eh?

STEVEN
[from kids' room] Daddy! Daddy!

CINDY
Wha--see what I mean?! Ian, he's calling for you! Will you go an' finish off his story, please?!

IAN
Uh. [puts paper aside] Do you know something: you've been in a real funny mood all day.

CINDY
Ian, just go will you?!

IAN
All right, all right! I'm going! I'm going. [leaves]

STEVEN
[from kids' room] Daddy.

CINDY
Oh! [dials phone, waits as it rings] Oh, just be in for God's sake, Gita, be in. [IAN comes back in, she hangs up] Uh!

DAVID
Excuse me, ladies.

CAROL
I know just what Pat's playin' at. Mm? She's only {done} this to show me up, isn't she? Hasn't she?!

ALAN
Yeah! Yeah.

CAROL
'Cause she's damn sure I'm gonna say, "no," an' put a spanner in the lot. Well. I'm gonna call her bluff, i'n' I? An' I'm gonna say, "yes."

PEGGY
You fancy a drink? Heh! You look as if you could do with one.

MICHELLE
Yeah. Go on, then. Just a small one.

PEGGY
[looking at a bottle] Blimey! It'll have to be! Where'd all that go to?

[sighs] See what it's doin' to me? I mean, having one of them home. I was off the gin before all this. [pouring drinks] Anyway. Cheers.

MICHELLE
Cheers.

[In the background is a flight of stairs and PHIL's coming down and toward the room.]

PEGGY
It's good for me blood pressure. Or so I keep tellin' me doctor. Ha ha.

[PHIL's come in. MICHELLE stands up to greet him.]

PHIL
Hi. How ya doing'?
I could murder a cup o' tea, Mum.

PEGGY
All right, love. Go on, sit down. Put your feet up. [to CHELLE] See what I mean? Do you fancy one? I'll even throw in a bit of cake. [leaves]

[They use the opportunity to talk. Quietly.]

PHIL
I'll tell ya now: if you've got another letter from Sharon tucked away, you can forget it.

MICHELLE
No. No; she doesn't know I'm here.

PHIL
Then why ya come?

MICHELLE
[pauses to get the words right] Look, whatever happened between you two, she's, she's still the best friend I'll ever have, or ever likely to have. An' I can't just sit by an' do nothing.

PHIL
Why? What's goin' on?

MICHELLE
[pause] It's Grant.

PHIL
[sighs and sits back in his chair]

MICHELLE
Phil. Every chance he gets, he torments an' humiliates her. He's sick; you know that! An' she can't take much more.

I mean it!

PHIL
[sighs, evades eye contact]

MICHELLE
Phil!

PHIL
What?

MICHELLE
Well say something.

PHIL
What'd you want me to say? It's got nothing to do with me has it?

PEGGY
[arriving, cheerful with two short round cakes] Here we are, then. An' I baked it meself.

GITA
I'm telling you, Sanjay, you're gonna be really pleased. I got such a good deal on all this new stock. Just wait 'til you see it!

SANJAY
Yeah. You know you could 'ave had a string of shops by now if, oh--

GITA
If what?

SANJAY
Well, if ya hadn't o' got mixed up with the likes of me.

GITA
[amused] Never a truer word was said.

SANJAY
No, I mean it!

GITA
Oh, cheers, I'll drink to that!

SANJAY
Yeah. Cheers. [clink glasses, he keeps turning back to those papers]

GITA
You know, we could still make it happen.
That string of shops.

SANJAY
Oh, yeah, yeah.

GITA
Yeah!
I mean, we get on so much better now, don't we? Now that we've sorted everything out an' know exactly where we stand. Quite an achievement, really, isn't it?

SANJAY
What is?

GITA
You an' me, after all we've been through, to come out of it such good friends, eh? And to have such a good working relationship! When, if we work hard, well, there's no reason why we can't build up the business, get a couple of shops.

SANJAY
Look, I must go.

GITA
But we've only just got here.

SANJAY
Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, but I've got a lot of stock to sort out an', uh, stock-taking, an' I've got all this lot [slaps papers] to go through for tomorrow--check out the figures an' all that.

GITA
I've never known you so conscientious!

SANJAY
Well, we all change, don't we.

GITA
Are you sure you don't need any help?

SANJAY
No, I'll be all right.

GITA
Are you okay, Sanjay?

SANJAY
[puzzled] Yeah--w--why shouldn't I be?

PEGGY
[looking at her cakes, sighs] Well, I know it wasn't one of me best.

MICHELLE
Oh, no, no, no; it's lovely. Thank you.

PEGGY
[to PHIL] What's the matter with you?! You lost your tongue or something?! You won't get any more visitors if you carry on like this!

[sympathetic] You all right, love?

PHIL
Uh, I could do with a couple of aspirin, Mum.

[PEGGY gets up and leaves the room. MICHELLE leans forward and speaks intently in a low voice to PHIL.]

MICHELLE
So that's it, is it? You're just goin' to sit here an' pretend it's got nothing to do with you?

PHIL
[leans forward] Now, listen to me, all right? Ain't we forgettin' one tiny little detail in here? If she'd o' kept her mouth shut, none o' this would've happened, would it?

MICHELLE
If you hadn't o' slept with her in the first place--

PHIL
Yeah, all right--you think I'm proud of what I did, do ya?

Look, I'm sorry--she don't deserve it, whatever he's doin'.

MICHELLE
[urgently] He's takin' her apart! That's what he's--

PHIL
Yeah--all right--I get the picture, but--

MICHELLE
But what?!

PHIL
That's it: Nothing. End of conversation. [sits back]

MICHELLE
[pause, takes this in a moment] Well that's the deal to get him back, is it? He does what ever the hell he likes an' you stand by an' do nothing?

PHIL
[leans forward] She an' I had an understanding: to keep shtoom. She blew it an' now she's just got to face the consequences.

MICHELLE
Phil. All I'm asking is that you tell him to back off!

PHIL
You, know, there was one point, where, [pause] where I really thought I was gonna die. An' I wanted to. An' then I woke up. An' there he was, just sittin' by the bed, waitin'.

He'd been there all night. An' he gave me another chance. I didn't think he would. I thought I'd blown it.

Well, I ain't gonna risk that again.

I'm sorry.

[calm whisper] Not.

RICKY
All right?

CAROL
Oh!

RICKY
Mind if we join ya?

CAROL
No! No! Sit yourself down! Listen, what ya havin' ta drink?

BIANCA
Look, we wanted to ask you something first--

CAROL
Oh, what's that, then?

BIANCA
Well, it's Janine. She's been really upset.

CAROL
Well, what about?

BIANCA
Christmas--she's got none of her own family there, an', what with us coming over to you, she's really unhappy.

CAROL
Must be hard on her, poor kid--

RICKY
Exactly, see, that's what we're thinking, Carol.
Well, th--the thing is, all right--

BIANCA
Look, we felt sorry for her so we've come up with an idea.

CAROL
Well what's that, then?

RICKY
We'll all spend it together, then everyone's happy, ain't they?!

CAROL
Well! Seems like a sensible solution to me.

RICKY
Oh, that's great.

CAROL
An' Pat's agreed to this, has she?

BIANCA
Yes!

RICKY
Yeah!

CAROL
[just as determined as Pat was] There's only one small condition. You tell Pat it's at our place. I've already ordered the turkey an' I'm the one who's gonna be cookin' it. All right?

[RICKY and BIANCA exchange anxious yet happy looks]

MICHELLE
Please, Phil. You said yourself she don't deserve this!

You loved her once.

PHIL
Once. Not any more. [turns to face her]
I told ya: I ain't losin' him. Not for you. Not for Sharon. Not for anyone.

MICHELLE
[gets up] Well. I thought she meant more than that. I was wrong. I'm sorry.

PHIL
Yeah. So am I.

[MICHELLE leaves.]

-boom- -boom- -boom-boom-

Last Updated: 5 Feb 2000