THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY
It's like getting fellatio from a gaboon viper. No, it's worse.
Two minutes into the movie, you know it's so low-budget that they couldn't even afford the beer it takes to get some skanky slut drunk enough to get naked for the camera. This is not a good sign.
This is not an official "Slumber Party Massacre" series entry, which is probably for the best. We don't need to jack that poor franchise's suck factor up any higher. It's written and directed by Stephen Tyler, and I only wish it was THAT Steven Tyler, maybe it'd keep him from blathering forth that fucking Armageddon song. If we relegate him to making bad movies, we won't have to worry about being exposed to the whole thing every time we turn on the radio.
Which isn't to say that it doesn't suck at least as hard as "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing". The unbelievably trite dialogue brings lyrics of those caliber to mind. Tyler must have been on a big gay-bashing kick when he (sigh) wrote this; so many guys are called "fag", "homo", "queer", etc etc etc that you wonder if they're seriously going somewhere with that. Really. A super- graphic man-on-man scene right in the middle of this movie would at least have made this marginally enjoyable if you're looking for gay porno, and it would just be everybody ELSE who should stay away. As it is, everybody at all should stay away.
Box cover makes a point of mentioning that the music (and there's a lot of it) is by a band named Firstryke. Judging from what I hear here, Firstryke sounds like a particularly hard-sucking cross between Slaughter and an uncharacteristically restrained Nitro, and that ain't a good thing. Speaking of music, this was made in 1987, so how'd this chick even find a big Bee Gees poster to put on her wall? Hell if I know. I know a guy with a big Debbie Gibson poster from back when she was about sixteen. He's not tellin' where he got it from, and I ain't curious enough to ask.
The plot is about a household of slumber-partying girls terrorized by, well, Patch Adams. That's right, an escaped mental patient who wants to be a doctor. He uses a scalpel to kill. I'll bet that Tyler thought that was some sort of statement, y'know, an instrument of healing being used to destroy. Tyler plays the slasher, and with that surgical mask on, you can only see his eyes. If you're damn fool enough to rent this movie, note how much his eyes look like David Foley.
These girls actually have a slumber party with one of their parents home. What's the point? One thing the Slumber Party Massacre movies got right, at least, is that the slumber parties took place with no parents there,so that the ensuing debauchery could be at a premium. Not here, although there's lots of scenes of these girls ALMOST having sex, and ALMOST doing drugs.
And the camera ALMOST showing nudity. This doesn't even deliver the goods on the most base levels. The only cute chick is this redhead named Jan Jensen who walks around for the whole movie with an unexplained, poorly covered- up black eye. She does take a shower, though for no apparent reason, not even to give us some much-needed glimpses of bare flesh. The gore's a joke - take one scene where this guy is stabbed in the chest. He clutches his hand to the wound, and we clearly see him squeeze in perfect timing with when the blood gushes out.
The only remotely interesting element in this movie is the introduction of a second, completely unrelated slasher about halfway through. Then he's killed almost immediately. So no, that's not enough to help this movie climb out of the pit. Does it expand my fraternity of super-crap, worthless movies to seventeen films? Oh, shit yeah. House Of Death retains the title of the worst slasher movie I've ever seen, but this movie is nevertheless a really close second.
Absolutely fuckin' terrible, guys. Yeah, I know, you could tell just by looking at the box, while I had to go find out for myself. You know me, I've ALWAYS gotta go find out for myself.
Only to be seen by crazy old bastards who helplessly crave the worst of everything.