WITCHCRAFT 6: THE DEVIL'S MISTRESS
Just about enough to make you hang the rope
Here it is, guys. The one movie in the horror section that I put off the longest. The one I dreaded the most, when it also had The Last Slumber Party and Draghoula to offer. With nary an exaggeration, the Witchcraft series has to be the most pathetic movie series ever produced, in any genre. With no less than ten (TEN!!!) entries right now, only three of which I've stomached until today, it's consistently proven to be the absolute rock-bottom of anything that could conceivably be categorized as horror.
I don't know how it's done. The original Witchcraft was bad enough - that it would attract enough attention to warrant the making of nine sequels blows my fuckin' mind! And they get worse! Dear God, they get worse. It's like hearing your doctor say "No, sir, not a tumor." Somehow, this unbelievably bad original installment got turned into some sort of soft-core porn horror franchise, and I don't think I've ever seen a more limp-dicked bunch of soft-core porn movies in my life. This kind of shit makes Jim Wynorski look like a freakin' genius.
So does it live up to my expectations? Hell, yes! Man, does this movie suck. It's a whole new category of suck - if it weren't for the hot women, we'd have a place of honor at my crap table for this one.
Lemme tell you the plot. Fuck, this is so BAD! Okay, here goes. Somebody out there is killing Catholic chicks. Having dated a few and found them to be, uniformly, blood-sucking vampire vipers, I don't see why somebody would object. But I'll suspend my disbelief here. (Shannon, please, I'm just kidding. You know I love ya.) These guys don't want ANY Catholic chick, they need a virgin. (insert "Catholic schoolgirl" joke here) But the cops are at their wits' end, and the chief is chewing 'em out day and night.
So one day, one of the cops (the really lame "comic relief" guy who looks like Steve Buscemi with Terry O'Quinn's bald pate), looks really closely at one of the crime scene photos and notices that there's a big pentagram on one victim's stomach. HELLO, this pentagram takes up half the fucking photo. I want a job at this precinct. Sounds slack.
So they conclude that the murders involve the occult. So what do they do?
Man, it's like they wrote this movie just to piss me off.
They go out and try to find somebody to ESTABLISH A PSYCHIC LINK WITH THE KILLER!!!
Yeah, so much for detective work - these guys found their first clue, and they're already turning it over to the psychics and the hack writers. (sigh) This was already sucking enough, and they had to throw in a psychic link too. I mean, does some writer out there hate me, or something?
So they try out a bunch of people as potential psychic guides. They give 'em a bra, that belongs to some guy's wife, and say it belongs to one of the victims, to weed out the fakes. This is amusing for about two candidates. Then it goes on for another twelve more, each managing to be less funny than the last.
Anyway, they find their psychic, and a lot of people fuck. That's pretty much par for the course with this series.
Features laughable effects, like how on the stomachs of each of the victims, on which the pentagrams appear, they all have the exact same fake- looking bellybutton. Not to mention the dialogue (a scream is heard offscreen - the cops' reaction? "Did you hear that?" "Let's separate!").
Sucks, sucks, sucks from beginning 'til end. The only good thing I can say about this entry in this accursed series is that at least they have some hot women here. The previous films I saw all had these freakish, silicone- pumped lab experiments that were truly gruesome to behold - this movie has some seriously foxy chicks, and yes, most of 'em get naked, which of course is all they're good for (let's face it, if you're in a Witchcraft movie, then your lack of talent is pathetic enough that nudity really is all you're good for).
But really, they're not enough to redeem this one. A crap movie is still crap, even if it's crap with some foxy chicks.
Like having your penis nailed to a pit bull's tongue, this movie probably isn't going to kill you - but it might make you wish it would.