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Dear Harvey - Advice Column 3-12-2002
Acknowledgements: Contributions from Peacekeeperchuck and HarlemGal for their great e-mail.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, keeping my day job.
Dear Harvey,
I'm very interested in a shipmate of mine, but I don't know how to make him notice me in a positive way. He brushes me off as he would an insect. What should I do?
Intelligently,
Joolushko Tunai Fenta Hovalis
Dear Joolushko Tunai Fenta Hovalis,
Wear fly paper.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
All my girl friend wants to wear is skin tight black leather.
Leather is MURDER!!!
How can I rid her of her horrid fetish?
Animals are our friends,
Tree_Hugger
Dear Tree_Hugger,
What fetish? Your girl friend is RIGHT. You MUST start wearing tight black leather.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
My shipmates tease me when I fart helium. How can I get them to understand that it is a high honor to be in the royal presence at this time?
Rygel XVI
Royal sovereign to over 600 billion loyal subjects
My Dear Rygel XVI,
Ignore them. Your shipmates are merely jealous of your unique talent.
FART WITH PRIDE!
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
My DRDs have formed a "labor union" and have gone on strike. They demand protection from a certain luxan crew member, over time and hazard pay. Not to mention a two weeken paid vacation per cycle, and something concerning "profit sharing". They refuse to work until pilot and I give into their demands.
What should I do?
Helpless and waiting for answers,
Moya
Dear Moya,
You MUST NOT give into their demands! It is a sign of weakness and you will lose control {the little you have, that is). Therefore….
< Uh, What is it John? I’m in the middle of my … wha…? Oh, the DRDs? You say … what happened? >
< Harvey, Harvey, Harvey, you gotta listen to what happened today. > And so, John told Harvey about the DRD strike. <It all started last night while we were eating dinner……….
“Ah – Ah – Aaachooo” D’Argo’s tongue flew out across the dinner table when he sneezed, scattering half the dishes and catching the bottom of Rygel’s sled, throwing him into a wall. Rygel and throne-sled fell in a heap sending up a huge dust cloud. This caused Rygel to sneeze and fart.
“Guzundheit” I said to both at once. “Why is this place so dusty? Look at all the dust bunnies drifting around on the floor.”
“What are buggies?” Rygel regained his sled and floated back to the table as he asked.
“Bunnies, they are Earth animals about the size of… Hey, where are the DRD’s? Aren’t they supposed to clean this mess up?”
“Maybe they can’t keep up with all of Jool’s shedding. It’s disgusting.” Chiana made a face and glared at Jool. Jool just stuck her tongue out at Chiana in response.
“Pilot, where are the DRD’s?” Aeryn called over the com.
“Officer Sun, I do not know. They don’t seem to be anywhere. This is most puzzling. I will find out.” Pilot said.
______________________________
Pilot called everyone to command. “I have found the DRD’s. They don’t want to clean up after you anymore. They don’t like the way they are being treated. They asked me to speak for them.” I laughed as pilot spoke. “They are quite serious John. This isn’t a laughing matter.” This sent me in convulsions of laughter, which made me inhale dust causing me to sneeze and choke. I could feel myself turning a bright red.
“Pilot’s right John. This isn’t funny. I could disperse if I sneeze.” Stark said.
“Hey guys, don’t you see? Those little droids are on strike.” I choked back my laughter and turned to the console. “Pilot, what are their demands?”
< ….. and so you see Harvey, we need those little rascals to function. I’d advise Moya to accede to their demands. We’ll all breath easier. > John finished.
<Very well, John, I’ll do it, but under duress, you understand. > Harvey erased his first response and wrote:
Dear Moya,
They are not asking for a lot. Allow them their small demands. We’ll all breath easier.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I need to give a special thanks to Runnik for his beta reading “Strike”.
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