Dear Harvey - Advice Column
Acknowledgements: Thank you ixchup, Zimtsternchen, Lassievorc, Reefrunner, and Dork for your wonderful e-mail, I absolutely cannot do it without you. Please keep those e-mails coming. This column depends on you, dear reader.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit, I’m keeping my day job.
Disclaimer #2: This is a parody of advice columns. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead or fictional person, past or present, is unintentional and is meant for entertainment only.
Dear Readers,
Arrrgh!!!! I know it has been another long hiatus, but it is not my fault. I have to blame this one on a combination of factors.
First, we were so tied up in proving the veracity of the substitute KFC recipe to the Wormholeans that it was not possible to read or receive e-mails requesting advice, let alone write the column.
Second, as soon as the Wormholeans eased up and freed us from cooking and eating our cooking until we were satisfied that they would be satisfied (and let me tell you, this created some very tense moments), John and Aeryn were making up for lost time, big time and I was banished to the coffin. (At least it smells better than the dumpster, and is considerably more comfortable. I do, however, miss those lovely oriental rugs, the music, and other comforts that I was able to get before.)
Lastly, just as I was about to submit this column to unohoo for publication, she mumbled some lame excuse about RL (what ever that is) getting in the way.
I hope, dear readers, that this is just a temporary hiccup in the life of this column. Please do not give up on me.
Humbly yours,
Harvey
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
You are one smart cookie. How did you know it is I, The Dentic? Graza doesn't suspect that Scorpius placed me inside of her. I control the Heppel. I control the dial. No one can resist me for I am The Dentic.
How could you spot me? You must have watched my program CSI:Miami. My minions are legion. Naran Shankar is one. Did you notice my secret message about Scorpius? No one will be able to resist my fat food. We will take over the Earth with our really boring television shows, dead-pan actors, and science montages with no reason why techno-music is played. I have other programs to broadcast such as Tremors and Scare Tactics. No one can resist.
Wait, Graza is waking up. I have to go. You'll know me where ever you see fast food...
Yours truly but subversively,
The Dentic
Dear Dentic,
You have been suspiciously absent for far too long. Also, Graza’s style is quite different from those missives that you have written.
I’m glad to see you have found an alternate occupation of taunting Grayza, although I hardly think that Scorpius had anything to do with it, as his mind and revenge quotient is entirely taken up with the Scarrens.
As for the fat food, and the general ennui of Earth, again I doubt that you had anything to do with that either as the people of Earth seem quite capable of doing that all by themselves. It has already been stated by one of the media mental midgets who has a rather influential position, that the general audience is not capable of following anything more complicated than grass growing or paint drying, but not at the same time.
However, keep up the good work with Grayza. We all appreciate you efforts.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
hi, my name is Tony and I am a telescope stick. In case you are not familiar, this is a weapon, and in my case I am employed for the purpose of self-defense. The other day, my owner was watching this awesome show while she still had me strapped on. I was a little bored at first, but then I saw this woman, and I was gone.
Her name is Winona. I just can't forget about her. Is there any chance that I could meet her? And do you think that she would like me? After all, she is a pulse pistol and I, well, you know. But I'm a nice guy, all shiny and black, made from steel. I'm not named after an actor, but at least after a local, gifted singer. Do you thing there is hope??
Weak-jointedly yours,
Tony
Dear Tony,
I think you may have to give up on Winona for the nonce. She is in the protection of my “employer” (and I use that term loosely) who guards her jealously even though he has no compunction about two timing her for another, Aeryn Sun. What can I say? Some people have all the luck.
This fact, however, may yet yield the opening you crave. What you have to do is for Aeryn Sun to chose you for her self, and then to keep you with her at all times. Then contrive to have her casually toss you in the pile with Winona when she and Winona’s owner is otherwise distracted.
Let me know where you can be found, and I’ll contrive for Crichton (Winona’s owner) to get you as a gift for Aeryn Sun. I know this will work as he is always looking to please Aeryn, and I doubt if a weapon exists that she would not want.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I was a little shocked by your reaction to the offer of employment by the Andromeda captain! I'm kind of a fan of that show, too, but i mean.... really, WHAT would John Crichton do without you? In my humble opinion, you would be bored silly, too! From what I see, "Andromeda" is at best a pale imitation of the adventures in the Uncharted Territories! Look around in John's memories, I bet he knew something about a show called "Hercules." I doubt he was much of a fan, either. Is THAT what you want?
Honestly,
Fangirl
Dear Fangirl,
Perhaps I was seduced by some comfort... my own body... independence... freedom... but I digress.
I have searched in John’s mind for references to Hercules, but the only thing I found was a reference to some Greek mythology. Actually, the Hercules character, while a bit brutish and not at all my style, is quite interesting. He would certainly be fun to have around at a Margarita party.
Crichton, it seems would like the opportunity to be without me. He was all too ready to “let” Scorpius “off” me, and was clearly upset that the rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Anyway, what I want is my own body and fat chance that I’ll have one soon.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
I have been wondering this for some time now, and as you are no longer in hiding in Crichton's mind, I decided to go ahead and ask. Why does Crichton call me Grasshopper?
With keen interest,
Scorpius
Dearest Scorpius,
I’ve had some time to research your question, and I have some really good news for you.
I too, was afraid that grasshopper was being used in some derogatory way, knowing Crichton, but it is not. It may, in fact, be considered an affectionate term, and, based on my research and my observance of Crichtons behavior, I have to think that he is indeed using it affectionately.
I found a reference to Grasshopper in a Kung Fu movie (just what a Kung Fu movie is, is not really important). Anyway, in this movie, the master calls a young student of his “Grasshopper”, and does so affectionately. While Crichton may be confused as to who is the master and who is the student, I am sure that he means it in the most affectionate way. Why on Earth, I’ve noticed, that when someone wants to verbally display affection, they will call one another little drens. If he does so with you, do not take umbrage, it is just one more way he is showing his appreciation for all that you’ve done for him in ways that are socially acceptable for him.
On the other hand, a grasshopper is also an insect found on Earth. He may be thinking of you as an insect, which is not so flattering. I’m inclined to dismiss this reference as the first is far more appropriate.
______________________________
Dear Harvey,
Are you affiliated with Cox Enterprises?
I found your advice column while researching the Raliens, which I belive, to be blunt, the deception of ANTICHRIST! And all aliens are manifested demons, leading up to the lie of the one who will be portrayed as God. Don't belive all of what you see, but believe that which is Holy and cannot be seen.
Thank you for your time,
js
Dear js
I am not affiliated with Cox Enterprises as I don’t even know what a Cox enterprises is.
And, I already proved that Raliens is the network short hand for “Real Aliens”.
What is ANTICHRIST?
Do you have a life, or are you also trapped in someone else’s body as I am. If so, I suggest you find something useful to occupy your time as you will go nuts otherwise.
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