Teaching Bad English to Bloody Foreigners for 125 years.

With the growing global society, the vast increases in the wealth of third world dictators and their relatives, and the decline of useless insignificant regional dialects like French, Chinese, and Arabic, the market for speaking Bad English is growing. So, to tap this market, we have "educational" programmes aimed at naive, young, good-looking foriegners whose rich parents have no idea where the money is spent. The summer courses we offer can be broken down into five elements:

Bad Grammar
Bad Manners
Bad Accents
Bad Marks
Bad Hair Day

Bad Grammar

Let's face it, drills are made for boring! If you go nit picky over rules like grammar and spelling, your educational tourist will start feeling like a student!

Bad Manners

We believe in breaking tradition. Archaic terminology like "please" and "thank you" are replaced by the more modern "gimme gimme (give me give me)!" and "Finally, it took you long enough!" None of our students say "how do you do" but introductions have been advanced to "I've never seen such ugliness in my life! Who are you, the queen's pet pig!" And for those training to work in the service industry, we've replaced the right-wing "may I help you" with "And what do you want!" Finally "hello" and "goodbye" have been eliminated all together and conversations are started with "Hey bozzo, I'm talking to you!" and terminate with "Get lost jerk!", "I'm through talking to you", or "I've nothing more to say to you."

Bad Accents

We admire the old nationalist comedies that make fun of the way other people talk. Some accents are even beautiful. It doesn't matter if the average Englishman understands what the student says, they'll spend most of their life talking to other bloody foreigners anyway. A subsidy from BBC comedy actually encourages us to make the students' accents more pronounced.

We take the same attitude toward teaching British culture. We don't like our culture anyway, if we did, we wouldn't spend our day with bloody foriegners would we! Our bloody foriegners leave here reinforcing negative stereotypes and refusing to drink tea unless it smells like the rhino piss their used to back home.

Bad Marks

Many students will be used to getting good marks if they are able to answer the questions properly and steer clear of mistakes. That is why we ensure a hidden agenda through all our course. This hidden agenda is made possible through the lack of clarity of assignments, and by the unique way in which the BBC is funded by viewers like you. We tell students to watch a TV programme and report back on it, but don't tell them which TV programme to watch, don't tell them how many words to use, and don't tell them the real thing we're looking for is similarity to our model paper which is only written up after we've read all their assignments. Therefore, we can give our whole hearted favouritism to those pesky little Mediterranean Mafiosos / Middle Eastern Mogols with good taste in fast cars and gold watches, and away from seriously geeky over-studious Far-Eastern robots who know everything except how to bribe a good grade out of us.

Bad Hair Day

In order to indoctrinate our visiting students into European culture, we have a declared "Bad Hair Day" where those bloody foreigners engaged in stealing our language are encouraged to die their hair weird colours and get it cut by a blind trainee. This day is especially popular with Japanese students, who have combined it with Bad Dress Day and, in many cases, extended it for the whole academic year.