Memoirs of a Goddess

Title: Memoirs of a Goddess

Author: Dawn Archive: GOA, anyone else that wants it

Rating: Won't have one until the end, sorry to say. Appx PG right now.

Pairings: None in particular. Summary: Fictional memoirs of the goddess Harmonia.

Dedication: to my Grandmother who passed in October.

Disclaimer: The characters of greek myth belong to themselves.. and strangely enough I believe that does include Strife since I have seen him mentioned in a few Myth textbooks. : ~~ Xena and a few other characters briefly mentioned, belong solely to Renissance Pictures and frankly, I dont' want them.

Notes: This is still in works so any and all comments are welcomed.

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Just a Girl

I am often asked, "What's immortality like?" Experience has taught me of what those who ask really mean. Usually, "You're lucky you're immortal." If only they knew. Then their icy stare of jealousy piercing my back as I simply turn and walk away. They hate me for denying them to be what I am. I wouldn't give eternal life to my worst enemy. It's both a blessing and a plague. Times have changed, people have changed. They used to worship me. No more.

People these days see me as cold and heartless. A beast. A lucky bitch that can't be bothered by disease, famine, or death. That's not entirely true. I am bothered by it. If they could only see what these ancient yellow eyes have seen. I have seen more death, famine and disease than I care to recall. I've loved and lost, like many of them have. I cannot understand mortals anymore. Does your hatred of me stem from my lack of assistance in these times of AIDS and Cancer? I cannot undo what the fates have done. There were Plagues when I was young, Malaria, and many other diseases too. None of which I could control. I watched close friends die of these diseases. Sadly time moves on and I remain unchanged. My face and figure are eternally 20yrs in age. I will never gray. Staring into my eyes is the only indication of my true age.

I suppose, though, it's only fair to start at the beginning. I was born in Greece. It was approximately 2200 years ago. I say approximate because this was before we counted years with BC/AD dating. These are the times you call ancient. I was the result of a lust driven romp between my parents. They were caught by Apollo and turned in to my mother's husband Hephestus. Mom, you know her as Aphrodite, frequently whored around on Hephy so this was nothing out of the ordinary. She was the goddess of love and it was to be expected. He was always too busy in the forge anyway.

Mom had no fear of the matter. Many of her previous affairs had accidentally produced fruit. My brother, Cupid, being the result of one. Deimos, Phobos, Anteros, and Pallor being the others. Besides, Hephy always forgave her. It's sweet really, he loved her so much that in his eyes she could do no wrong.

Now, Dad was another story. No one wanted to marry the god of war, and he really preferred to be a bachelor anyway. So he just laughed the situation off until months later when I was born. A small bundle of female flesh and as the textbook states, "Love bears Harmony from War." Thus my being named, Harmonia. Mom was delighted, Dad warmed up over time. After all, boys could grow up to become warriors and follow in his footsteps. I was just a girl.

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Family Ties

As I mentioned previously, it took Dad a while to warm up. When he finally did, I was his little girl. Mom was usually too busy with herself so he took it upon himself to teach me what I needed to know. He taught me right from wrong, the little things that seem like common sense now, and anything else he could. Eventually he hit a dead end and temporarily declared peace with Athena so that she would tutor me further. I know now that she only agreed for fear I would become like my four brothers Deimos, Phobos, Anteros and Pallor.

I was never a niece to her, only a pupil whose thirst for learning fascinated her considering my lineage. She answered every question I ever had, regardless of how elaborate or irrelevant to the current subject matter. Information was never withheld. She always told me, "Knowledge is the key to the world. Learn everything possible to avoid ignorance and insolence." I didn't understand what she meant until later years when human ignorance truly became evident. Athena was the only one to ever tell me to leave Greece in pursuit of experiencing the rest of the world. I was eight when I told dad I wanted to visit other countries.

"How was tutoring?" He'd ask daily.

"Great, Auntie Athena told me about India. When I'm grown up I'm gonna go there to see it up close." After this conversation I was pulled from Athena's tutoring. I did return to her many times in the future with questions that no one else seemed able to answer. I wanted to be as knowledgeable and wise as her.

Now, anyone that says that Ares doesn't have a soft side is sadly mistaken. He was gentle with me. Fiercely strict but never sharp. I knew the rules and the boundaries. There was also tenderness and protectiveness, but he never raised a hand to me. My brothers were jealous and picked on me. They were occasionally mean. I was Daddy's little girl and they hated that. Deimos and Phobos were the only two that were juvenile enough to emotionally scar me. Pallor was younger than I, and Anteros usually accompanied dad on the battlefield. He was the eldest of us all.

The worst of their pranks occurred when I was just five. I had lovely long blonde hair then that mother taught me how to curl. I was sitting in the center of the temple floor screaming and crying when Daddy rushed in. My wrists and ankles were bound and I had been gagged poorly, it hung around my neck. Daddy's face fell when he saw that my hair had been cut to about roughly two inches in length.

He undid the ropes on my wrists and ankles and removed the gag from my neck. I was swiftly gathered up into his arms and attempted to comfort me. "It's ok, we'll fix it." The job had been done haphazardly and he only needed to follow the trail of hair to find the guilty party. Deimos and Phobos sat there in all their glory until Ares stepped in the light.

Strife trailed behind us and Daddy handed me off on him. Strife was my cousin and he was five years my senior. He knew well what would happen and pulled my away as soon as he could by the hand. Outside I heard all too well that they were getting beaten worse than ever before. Daddy frequently threatened them with how one day I'll be big enough to kick their asses. Little did I know how true that would be.

Strife was always there to brighten my spirits. He did everything he could for me, no questions asked. After the hair incident he took me outside and tried to make the chop look decently. After giving up, it was too short, he proceeded to make a wreath of flowers and place it around my head. I never did ask how he knew how to make them, and sometimes I don't really want to know. He told me I looked like an Amazon Queen and all was well. Mother was horrified when she later saw my brothers' handiwork and curled my hair so that my strangely straight hair wouldn't lay flat against my head. She was terrified I would look like a boy.

Then there was Discord. I never really liked her much. Never attached, Aunt, to her name. The feelings for each other were mutual. She hated me because she wanted Dad all for herself, which would never become the case, and I stood in her way. My brothers, Strife and I were referred to as "The Godlings." This was suppose to be some pitiful attempt at distinguishing authority. In my eyes, she had none. In response, I began to call her, Cordy. This, to my enjoyment, infuriated her. She claimed I had a lack of respect for her. Which I did.

She only dared raise a hand to me once, until mid slap dad grabbed her arm. His threatening glare was enough for her to never attempt it again. It was hopeless, I was protected. No one would touch me for fear of my father. No one wanted to risk angering Ares. This reality was fun until I realized the same fear kept guys away as suitors. Strife was the only one who approached with no fear. Daddy trusted me in his care for some reason. He was a total clown and always made me laugh. In later years he would also make me cry and he would be the reason I send my mind to the furies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Other Side

I had yet to mention much about the other side of my family. Mom, being the Goddess of Love was extremely busy so our talks were usually short and sweet. She did what she could. I guess I can't hold it against her. Aphrodite will be Aphrodite. She had five children, quite a load. As a child, I wanted nothing more than to be exactly like my mother. I adored her. She was the most beautiful woman I had and ever will see, and I can understand why Dad lusted for her so. Mom could be bitter. I've seen many women punished for claiming they were more beautiful than she, and many men punished for treating any woman wrongfully. The only woman I've seen that comes close to mom's beauty would be, what mortal's would call sister-in-law, Psyche.

Psyche had this beautiful cream complexion combined with her deep brown eyes and hair. I know why Cupid fell in love with her. She was a beautiful person, inside and out, and I believe one of the few in the world that were ever worthy of being given ambrosia. I was still a toddler when I attended their wedding, but I remember the sparkling innocence of it.

Cupid was my confidant. I told him everything, more than I ever told Strife. He was older than any of my siblings, more patient than my mother, and therefore was more willing to give me advise of any nature. He was the big brother every girl should have. There were times when I'd barge into the temple late at night crying and Psyche would shoo him out of bed to my aid. He'd comfort me and we'd spend the evening talking under the stars.

The only problem with being so close was babysitting. I was nine when Bliss was born. I stared at him in wonderment of how something so small came about. I had asked Daddy about babies when Pallor was born but he more or less changed the subject and forced me to go play somewhere. So, when Cupid and Psyche brought Bliss out for me to hold I pressed the question on them. "Where do babies come from?" They looked at each other, smiled, and changed the subject to Bliss. Obviously the subject was being avoided. I had one more option before I started asking everyone, Mom.

She nearly died of laughter when I asked her. "So there is something Ares won't tell you." Nonetheless, she told me. Mom told me I was too young to get into detail yet, but she explained the basic cruelties of nature by the way of menstruation and birth. She laughed when I said, "If having kids hurts so much, why do it?"

"It's all worth it once it's over." She replied.

"Well, I'm not going to have babies then." I was serious at the time. She had answered my question with the basics of lovemaking, but the details waited for many years.

I used to visit Hephestus in the forge occasionally. He made me gifts all the time, jewelry, toys, and later my own weapons. I asked him why he did this and his only response was that he had no children of this own and that in his mind, I was his daughter. This puzzled me as a child but now I understand. It takes a real man to take a child of his wife's affair and claim it as his own. I wish he would have had more time available, I honestly believe he could have taught me so much about humility.

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The Academy

When I was thirteen Dad decided that my brothers had beat on me more than enough and that it was time I learned to defend myself against them. Rather than teach me himself, I was enrolled in the Academy taught by Ciron the Centaur. My uncle Hercules also attended there many years prior to me. I was excited and scared. I would be staying there for a few years. I couldn't understand why Daddy would want to leave me with a bunch of strangers, all of them mortal. Ciron explained that Dad wanted me to be able to protect myself, but also be a lady in the same respect. I was going to miss my family. I am glad in some ways that I was there, in others I was miserable. The violence of some of the exercises disturbed me. I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to make friends with any of the students, I wanted to go home.

Daddy visited at least once a week, always during drills where I learned swordplay and other things. I hated it, but I tried hard because I wanted him to be proud of me. He just sat in the shadows smiling, invisible to my mortal classmates.

I had been there for two years when a classmate challenged me. He was a foolish boy, older than I, with jet-black hair. I had never met him before so had no idea of his possible strength or capabilities. We were in the courtyard during lunch; he approached me with his clique of friends behind him. I was a loner, the only friend I had I only got to see occasionally. He accused me of only being allowed to stay because Ciron had pity on me. That I was just some stupid girl. He said that my father only sent me because I was a nuisance to him. No one at the Academy knew that I was immortal or that Ares was my father. Ciron assured me of that. I took that as an insult anyway.

I turned to walk away when I was hit with a rock. Something changed at that moment. I don't know what provoked it but the next thing I remember is being pulled off of the kid by Hercules. I hadn't even noticed he was visiting that day. I only had a bloody nose, which healed instantly, while my attacker was really beat up. "What in Tartarus is going on here?" He said to me. I told him everything that had happened. Ciron approached while uncle Herc picked up the boy and proceeded in a lecture. I only remember his last sentence of, "You better get out of here before her father shows up."

The boy challenged it further, "Yeah, and what's he gonna do, appear in here like some kind of god?" If only he knew.

Then the worst happened, and my cover was blown. A voice from the air bellowed, "You dare attack my daughter." Daddy appeared and the boy suddenly paled. I just wanted to run away and escape, which is exactly what I did. I snuck off as Ciron attempted to make peace and stole a visitor's horse. I was too upset to use any of my powers at the moment. As I galloped of I faintly heard Hercules call for me. I didn't turn around.

I rode as fast as that horse could take me. I passed Cupid and Mom outside one village and needing to change horses in the next. During the change I saw Strife who inquired why I wasn't at the Academy. I provided no answer except that I needed to leave. I needed to get away from everything. I was fifteen and had a mind of my own. He asked to come along and I declined. "I need to go alone." I said my goodbyes and rode off towards the ocean.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Great Escape

To the ocean I went. Why? I didn't really know. Though I hadn't told a soul, I had felt incredibly empty for the last two years. There was a void and this was taking advantage of my condition by drawing me near. I knew that if I stayed at the academy I would never escape the stigma now created since they all knew I was Ares' daughter.

I was becoming independent and rather bullheaded. A trait I believe I inherited from my father. I was also impulsive, this endeavor proved that enough. Basically I was a teenager. I see them behaving in the same way now as I did then. The difference, no one stopped me. I needed to grow up and learn to live without being babied.

Eventually I got to the coast and took a deep breath of the cool salty air. It was exciting for me. I had no one to answer to. There was a ship docked and then I decided it, I was going to leave Greece. Men were loading crates and hauling them aboard. Just my luck, a cargo ship for trading. I was wary of the sailors and checked for my sword from class. Sure, I was a god and all, but that doesn't mean I want to flaunt it all the time either. Thankfully it was in place and I took a deep breath. The sailor I chose to approach looked at me strangely. I admit now that I was an odd looking youth. Time had not yet been kind. At fifteen I still had not hit the final spurt that actually makes me appear a woman. I appeared all of maybe twelve.

The man snickered as I walked toward him. "What can I do for you, little girl?" I asked where the boat would be heading. Egypt. Then Egypt I would go. He informed me however, that should I wish to board I would have to discuss it with the captain. This concerned me until I saw her. Daddy had spoken of her a few times, her black hair, her dark skin, her wild untamed personality. I also knew that she would be easy to persuade.

Nebula. She too laughed at me. "Now, why would a little thing like you want to go to Egypt of all places?" I looked up at her unmoved. What kind of story would she buy? "Ares sends me." She laughed once more. "Really, well, you go on ahead. Make yourself comfortable." I could see it was going to be a long journey.

"What are you doing?" Strife asked appearing next to me, invisible to everyone else.

"Go away, you'll blow my cover." I sneered back. Nebula shook her head. Great now she thinks I'm talking to thin air.

"Let me ask you again. What are you doing?"

I walked away from everyone before replying. "Getting outa here. What does it look like?"

"Like you're getting yourself into a heap of trouble. Unc told me you ran away. He's got a search started."

I was suddenly fearful. What would Daddy do if he caught me? "Did you tell him you saw me?"

"No, I'm not a snitch. Give me some credit." He looked almost hurt. "Come on, we can go back and fix everything."

"No." My determination and independence were too strong. "I can't go back to being a child forever. He will never let me grow up and you know that." Nebula waved me over which signaled it was time to go. "I have to go. Bye Strife." I stood on my toes and kissed him on the cheek. "I'll miss you."

Now that I knew that there was some sort of a search started I hid below deck. I know we were out to sea for a day when Poseidon interfered. "Nebula!" He bellowed outside. I crawled up the stairs as far as I could without being seen. I still couldn't hear her. "My nephew Ares has a problem. It seems his daughter has ran away and she was last seen at your dock." She must have said something because he left. Then I heard her walking towards the stairs. I rushed to the corner. "I know who you are." I peered around the corner. "I don't know why, and frankly I don't care. I told him I had no children aboard. If he finds out I lied, you're taking the heat honey." Then she left.

I didn't dare go on deck after the Poseidon incident. He would snitch, especially if there was potential for something in his gain afterwards. It seemed forever before we landed. A chubby man came into the doorway one morning. "Little miss, we've arrived. Welcome to Alexandria, Egypt."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Like an Egyptian

I stepped out into the sunlight and was instantly in awe of what was before me. I have never imagined Egypt to be so beautiful. The sun was hotter than expected, but I could deal with that. The people were fascinating with their bronze skin and ebony hair. As I wandered aimlessly around Alexandria I took notice of how some commented on the pallor of my own skin. Saying how I would burn. How foolish. Only mortals got sunburn.

By early evening I had begun to feel the effects of the desert on my body. I was exhausted and bummed a ride from a supply wagon. I had done it, but what had I done? Would I ever be able to go back now and face daddy? Somewhere along the lines of my thought I drifted to sleep.

I woke up in some sort of a building. Perhaps a temple. Everything was golden. I have to say, to me Egypt seemed to glow. I was surrounded by six men who exploded with excitement as I stirred. They called for their lord and vanished. When the door shut behind them a tall, strong man appeared. He was gloriously dressed and I assumed he was either a god or Pharaoh.

"Finally you stir. It has been three days, child. My servants and priests fear you had passed."

"I.." I never did get to finish.

"I fully know you cannot. But here only priests and Pharaoh may look upon the immortal. I do not wish for a panic." He knelt beside me. "I am Amon-Re, you are in my temple in Heliopolis."

"Oh." I half expected him to comment on my lack of speech. He didn't. As a toddler I never spoke. Everyone feared I was mute. Hera was the only one to insist that I simply refused to speak. I was sitting next to daddy's throne playing with a wooden horse on wheels (now that I think about it, it was more of a mock Trojan horse.) while Xena and daddy discussed some war plans. She was still on his side then. Strife had moved from his spot beside me and headed toward the door. I looked up and my small voice cried out, "Stwife don't weave!" Everyone became silent and turned to face me.

"Did you say something?" Xena looked to daddy. "Ares did she..?"

Daddy ran over and picked me up. "You little shit, you can talk."

Shortly after my first encounter with Amon-Re I began to disguise myself around the slaves. I made myself appear Egyptian. I learned their culture and languages as fast as I could. Much of my time in Egypt is a blur. It was an introspective period for me. I was overwhelmed with self-discovery. Basically I grew up and learned who I really was.

I honed certain skills. Amon-Re showed me all the powers I had. I sharpened my fighting abilities with the slaves and priests. I was taught to sing and to use my creative side. I wrote poetry and learned to let my hair down and dance to the music in my head.

Two years had passed when I met Joseph. He was a slave cherished by Pharaoh for his ability to explain dreams. On a few occasions I had the ability to speak with him. I had learned his language, Aramaic, from Amon-Re's priests so that I could fully understand him. He fascinated and confused me with talk of their One-God. Joseph was also the one to give me my first guitar. It seems primitive to the Taylor I have now but it was all that was in existence then.

Then it was time. I was nineteen when Amon-Re approached me with the idea of sending something home. After all it had been four years since I had any contact with my family. The following morning a ship would leave for Greece bearing many of the gifts I had received along with a note from myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who Am I?

I never experienced this first hand but I know what happened. I've been told countless times. Dad groaned until my name was mentioned. I know he was impressed with the Cutlass I sent. No one in Greece had a sword so sharp. I had received that from a Sultan who also gave me two white and grey Arabian horses. Everything was traditional until my final addition had been brought out. Amon-Re knew nothing of it. I knew Daddy and knew that it would be shoved aside so I had made sure to include in the letter my demand for it being opened. He disagreed at first but aparently gave in to just "get it over with."

It was a large silken rug in black and gold I had received from Pharoah. The slaves unrolled it as ordered and gasped in horror as I rolled out from the center. I don't know why I did it, but I guess it was time to come home. Four years away was enough. Why did I do it this way? I needed to make an appearance that everyone would remember, it had to be unique. So there I lay, on the floor of my father's temple. Looking up I noticed more people there than I had planned for. All the better.

The priest assigned to this mission was Imhotep, our eyes met briefly as I stood. I was greek again with my white skin and blonde hair tightly rolled into a twist. Daddy was irritated. "Now who are you?"

"Your ladyship?" Imhotep questioned me. I hissed, a signal for silence. I wanted someone to know me other than him. Now there are a few reasons that flowed through my mind as to why no on recognized me. It had been four years; I was wearing traditional egyptian dress with only my feet, arms, and eyes exposed; I had grown considerably. You'll have to remember what I was when I left. I was an awkward fifteen year old with straight short hair and no figure. I was not nineteen with a body obviously inherited from my mother. Those present in the temple were Daddy, Strife, Anteros, Deimos, Phobos, Discord and little Pallor. On the opposing side stood Hercules and Iolous. We had obviously interrupted a disagreement of sorts.

I was tempted to just leave when Pallor broke from the group. He stood in front of me and stared up. "Harmony is that you?" I smiled and knelt to his level. "Yes." He whispered to me, "I've had visions that you would be coming back. Daddy didn't believe me."

"Pallor, that's impossible. We all know Harmonia doesn't look like that." Deimos grabbed him from me. Insulted I kicked him into a wall. "Really?" I snorted.

Daddy was still unassuaged. He motioned for Strife to check it out. "Aw, unc, why do I have to do all the dirty work." Ares glared at him. "Ok, ok I'm going." I smiled as he approached. If anyone would know me, he would. He just stared. Ok, I decided I had played around enough. Reaching into the twist of hair I pulled out a single golden string. The scarf that had been covering my face fell as did my hair which was now long enough to reach my waist. He stared for a moment more, looking into my eyes for answers. "Harm?" He questioned. I smiled and threw my arms around him.

"It's been too long." He whispered in my ear.

"I know, I'm sorry."

That's all it took. Daddy was now convinced. "Well, now look at you." He laughed as he came to my side. "No one comes closer to Aphrodite than her own daughter."

"'Monia, when'd you get hot?" Deimos asked from his position on the floor.

"Somewhere between now and when you became more of a sped." This was home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Infatuation

"Why did you leave?" That was the only question anyone seemed to want to know. I quickly grew weary of answering. One evening I sat at a firepit attempting to explain Egypt to Uncle Herc and his companion Iolaus. Strife fiddled around with the guitar Joseph had given me. "Cleopatra is such a headstrong girl, I swear she will become Queen one day." The conversation quickly turned to the instrument. "So," Iolaus asked, "Can you actually play that thing?"

"Sure can." Strife handed it back to me. "I've written a few songs while I was gone. I learned a lot about different cultures and religions so this one is called 'Angel.' An angel is some sort of being like a god I guess. It's associated with the Christian One-God and all that jazz.

Oh my angel, sweet sweet angel,

Come to me swiftly

It's night so still

The dawn comes swiftly

I've been gone so long

Your face is so lovely

It keeps my faith strong.

My hands are unsteady

I'm so far from home

Just tell me, angel

I'm never alone

Lay with me angel

Speak not a word

You're body's so slender

Like wings of a bird

Fly from me angel

You see dawn's a come

I'll be with you angel

On the wings of a song."

During all of this I hadn't noticed that Apollo appeared and shoved Strife from his place beside me. "Cool rhyme, girl." I looked at him and nearly died on the spot. By the gods he was attractive. "Where'd you learn to play?"

I was speechless. I could feel my heart pounding. "Just kinda figured it out on my own." He smiled and I felt faint.

"That's cool. A pretty chick like you should be out partying on a night like this, not hanging with these losers." Herc, Iolaus, and Strife rolled their eyes respectively. I was busy landing on another planet.

"Yeah."

"Then how about tomorrow. Party at my pad. Dig?"

"I totally dig."

"Then I'll pick you up tomorrow evening?"

"Cool."

"Solid," he smiled again. Apollo always had a great smile. "You're a fly chick. I'll catch you later."

"Yeah." As soon as he was gone, I collapsed in a daze with some stupid grin on my face.

"I can't believe he called us losers." Iolaus complained. He looked at Herc. "Did you hear him call us losers?"

"I can't believe I just witnessed that. No wonder they call him the pimp of the gods." Uncle Herc shook his head.

Strife waved his hand furiously in front of my eyes. "Hello? Planet Earth to Harmonia?" I just sighed in pleasure. "Allow me to be the deliverer of reality. Unc is never gonna let you go out with Apollo."

I pouted and sat up. "And why not?"

Strife exchanged looks with Herc. "Because we all know the way he is. Trust us, Ares will never allow it."

"Simple, then I just won't tell him." It was no good. I had already convinced myself that I was going. I was naive but I didn't care. A hot guy wanted to take me out, far be it for me to deny him. I was totally infatuated with him, or was I just infatuated with the idea of being with someone? I hadn't had any sort of relationship yet.

~~~~

I snuck out that evening. Probably my first mistake. But I wouldn't realize so until much later on. I had shared my joy with Mom, who was the only one even slightly happy for me. I rustled through her closet, as all daughters do, and found something Daddy wouldn't have let me leave the temple in regardless of where I was going.

Considering my life experience, I had the time of my life. Apollo was sweet, gentle and definitely knew how to have a good time. It was absolutely crazy. I had never been in the company of so many people before. I learned one thing that night. Anything goes at Apollo's. The place was filled with laughter, excitement, and above all sexuality. There was one area where the floor was covered in a mass of pillows. Here, people did everything short of actually have sex. Men loved women, men loved men, and women loved women. I had never been exposed to this kind of display and actually chose to avoid it.

Near naked men walked around with serving trays. I learned later that Apollo had been lovers with each of them on one occasion or another. He truly was the first, but not the last, god to explore the ins and outs of bisexuality. The trays were filled with various things depending upon what you are. Mortals were given a drug comparable to today's Ecstasy, and gods were given the same drug mixed with a high potency of ambrosia. The effect of it was this hazy slow-motion feeling. Everything seemed to blur together.

The pinnacle had to be just before I snuck back in early the following morning. I was still a little tweaked from what we called the snap and I thought I was alone. Wrong. I sneaked around a corner and was pinned against the outside wall. There, he kissed me. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. There was a warm, tingly feeling inside that, for the time being, made it seem so right. This just added to my dazed state of mind. When he'd left I opened my eyes to see Strife staring from the doorway.

"Good morning. Or is it good evening now?" He taunted.

I just shook my head. "I have no idea."

He rolled his eyes. "Get high much?" My gaze must have given him that "you can tell?" look because he continued, "You're bloodshot."

"Shit. Don't tell Daddy." He nodded solemnly and I shoved him aside. It was time for bed.

~~~~~~~~~~

Lyre

"Rise and shine."

I groaned. Why was Strife in my room and why was he waking me up? In disgust I pulled the covers over my head. "Go away. Seepy time." I muttered in a childish voice.

He faked what could only be called a snooty British accent now. "I'm sorry to distress you, darling, I really am. But your father requires an audience with you. Toot sweet." I had been seeing Apollo for a week and had been consistently sleeping the day away. I threw a pillow at him. "Hey, hey, hey. Don't kill the messenger." He sat on the bed next to me. "Unc demanded that I make sure you get up and go. So I'm not leaving until you get out of bed.

I uncovered my head and stared at him. "Strife," he looked over, quite pleased with himself. "I sleep naked."

"Don't care. I'm still not moving."

I sighed. "Alright. It's not like you haven't seen a naked women before right?" I slowly pulled the blanket down so that only the tops of my breasts and one full leg were visible. I smiled when his face turned scarlet.

"You know," he stuttered, "Perhaps it is best I waited outside." It was rather cute watching him stumble into the hall as quickly as possible. What a goon.

I slipped on a basic black chiton, which I had modified to be tighter on top than meant to be, and entered the hall where Daddy sat waiting for me. "So," he began, "have anything to tell me?"

I shrugged. "Nope. All's cool, Dad."

"Uh huh." The war god sat up straight. "How's Apollo?"

I froze. Shit. "You ratted on me!" My eyes went directly to Strife.

"I didn't say shit. Ask your boyfriend."

Daddy glared at him. "You knew and you didn't tell me."

"Good job, Harm, get my ass in trouble."

"I can't believe you ratted on me."

"I didn't, I swear." He insisted.

"Actually, Harmonia." Daddy interrupted. "Apollo graced me with his presence this morning, saying that I should tell you he has a counsel meeting tonight and that the party's off. Now, young lady," I went into spacey mode and ignored the yadda yadda yadda of typical parental speeches. Until the final sentence, "Strife will have to accompany you everywhere."

"WHAT?" We asked horrified. "Like even when I go out?"

"Especially when you go out. Wherever Strife goes, you go. Wherever you go, he goes."

I pouted. "Daddy, that is so not fair."

"Do I look like Athena?" It was a rhetorical question and I didn't dare answer.

"So, like, does he have to be in the same room when I sleep and stuff?"

Ares thought for a moment. "No, but Strife and Anteros are switching rooms so he's right next door."

"What happened to Anteros?"

Strife whispered. "You didn't hear? He sissyed out on the field. Decided that war wasn't 'it' and went for all that mushy shit."

"Anteros, has decided to join your mother's regimen."

"Oh, I guess I miss a lot sleeping all day."

~~~

For the most part, the so-called punishment wasn't that bad. Apollo was more appalled than I was and made it apparent at all times. Had I been thinking clearly I would have noticed the obvious tension between the two. Around the same time, bizarre things began to happen. Apollo's hair turned green, his horses got colic, his serving men and himself got crabs, his lyre was unstrung and other various happenings. I knew Strife was guilty of causing it all, he always had that mischievous grin on his face when another crisis would befall Apollo. I remember staring into his eyes and wondering, "what is going on in that head of yours?"

Apollo staked revenge in his own way. He changed me, I became a pawn in his game and I was totally oblivious. Gradually, I no longer talked with Strife, I snubbed him. My patience dwindled to nothing. I avoided him at all possible costs, even if it meant disobeying Dad's direct orders. I had a new clique that consisted of mortals and gods alike. Phoenix, Orpheus and a young mortal man named, Cadmus, were the only men that followed us. Thalia, Aria and Iris became the friends I shared anything with. Calliope and Terpsichore made an occasional appearance.

Aria was obsessed with Apollo and ridding herself of what she called, "Cursed virginity." She began a game of her own. She began to pursue Strife. She was determined to have him bed her. So the farther I pushed him away the harder she tried to reel him in. I didn't care, I figured he'd never have enough guts to go through with it. Basically it was some sort of attempt of hers to make Apollo jealous. It was a rather futile attempt; he had his hands full with one na‹ve virgin, namely me.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A Dose of Reality

It disgusts me now to realize what I had become under Apollo's wing. His little ingenue. He must have been proud of himself. There was only one problem between us, my determination to NOT sleep with him. We bickered about it off and on, he'd give up and I'd go home. Little did I know what was actually going on. He'd disappear for hours on end and I was totally clueless.

I walked in on an argument between Strife and Apollo on the field. Iris was with them. "I've been lenient until now, but let me tell you something, if you say even one word of this to her you'll know what it's like to deal with a real god." I was stupid, I should've known better. Iris was holding his arm.

"Am I interrupting something?" I asked walking toward them. Strife nodded his head.

Apollo glared at him and quickly interceded. "No, darling, of course not. I was just explaining to the lesser god here how he is no longer needed at our social gatherings." I smiled and looked down at Iris and his locked arms. He instantly shook her loose, "Damn, woman what did I tell you about that." She stepped back and pouted. I was so stupid, I should have taken that as sign number one. "Well, I should really get going. So much work to do." We kissed and I could hear Strife gagging in the background.

When Apollo was gone I turned to him, "You're just jealous."

"Of what?" Strife replied, "Sharing saliva with Mr. Perfect?"

I rolled my eyes, "No, because I have someone and you don't."

"Well, there always is that little cling-on friend of yours."

"Why don't you just fuck her already and get it over with? That's all Aria wants."

"Because I'm not like that." He turned away from me.

"You're a man aren't you?"

Strife laughed, "Oh, you are so wise." Sarcasm dripped from every word. "I forgot that you know everything, even when you are getting fucked over."

"What is that suppose to mean?" I was angry.

"Exactly what I said."

I paused for a moment. This requirement of mine to be with him on the field was terribly annoying. "How's your new best friend?"

"Who?"

I was short with him, "You know, your new buddy. Your partner in crime. Little miss thang, Cordy."

He shook his head. "Discord. Ares made us start working together. She's not half bad when you get to know her."

"Oh give me a break. She's been nothing but a bitch to you since day one."

"That's not true, and like you are one to talk."

I was silenced momentarily. "What are you saying?"

It was Strife's turn to be short with me. "That you are behaving like a little bitch. That's what I'm saying."

Suddenly the word echoed through my head. For the first time in weeks I got a tiny glimpse of reality. "You think I'm a bitch?" I was honestly hurt by his words.

"No, that's not what I meant." I know he instantly realized his mistake. "I mean that you are acting like one, not that you are one." I backed away, not believing. "Dammit." He cursed.

Discord appeared laughing beside him. "No, I do have to agree with you. She is a bitch." My eyes welled with tears as I backed away. "A little hussy, too. Gonna grow up to be a whore, just like her mother."

"Discord, that's enough now."

I continued to back away. Discord smiled, "Go on. Run away and cry, just like a baby."

"DISCORD!" Strife threatened. He looked at me as I faded, "Harmonia "

Deimos stopped me at the temple, where I gathered a few things. My eyes were puffy and I was still crying. "'Mon? What's wrong?"

I stared at him for a moment. "Deimos, am I a bitch?"

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"Well, you do have some bitchy qualities."

That was all I needed to hear. I was not going to stay there anymore. I burst into Mom's temple.

~~@~~

"I am so not a whore!" Mom whined. "What does that hag know about anything?"

"MOM." Cupid glared at her. "This isn't about you." She sat and whimpered. "Fine, we'll take care of it."

Anteros gave me some water. "So, what's wrong?"

With my weepy eyes, mom and I were one and the same. "He said I was a bitch that's what's wrong."

"Oh come now. I lived with the guy, Strife wouldn't say that." Anteros paused. "Unless it was true."

I started crying again. Cupid stared at him. "You aren't helping the situation at all." Cupid shoved him away. "Novice. Get out of here before you hurt someone." He wiped my tears. "Now, Harmonia, you know you can tell me anything right?" I nodded. "And do you trust me?" I nodded again. "And if I give you some advice, will you try to take it?" I wasn't sure at what he was getting at, but I nodded. "Ok, so let me ask you something. I want you to relax, take a deep breath and do something for me."

"Ok." I always felt a little better after talking to him.

"I want you to ask yourself why you care what Strife thinks of you? Do that, then we'll talk."

Easier said than done. I did try, I honestly did. I just wouldn't figure it out for a while.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Crash

I wasn't sure what Cupid meant. I didn't care what Strife thought of me. I shouldn't have cared what Strife thought of me. Yet, all the same, I was harshly wounded by his words. I also found myself becoming insanely jealous of the time he spent with Aria. He was now escorting her to all of the events Apollo and I attended. I asked myself the same question day in and day out, What the hell was wrong with me?

I can never complain of a lack of apology on Strife's behalf. He made the attempt many times over. I was just too arrogant to have any of it. I was too consumed with my Barbie and Ken complex. Trapped in a plastic world of make-believe of my own creation. He went so far as to send Hermes thinking that I can't avoid the messenger of the gods. Wrong. I whisked him away and sighed. I was comfortable with my current state of misery, moping about Mom's all day. Occasionally I would see Anteros, who would look at me, shake his head in disbelief, and laugh.

I received a second visit from Hermes in the same week. He arrived just as Cadmus left. Cadmus came to say goodbye, that he was off to war and that he wasn't sure if he would see me again. Silly mortal man, I thought. "I bring you an indirect message from Apollo. He says to meet him at the lake as soon as you can. There's a surprise awaiting."

I was ecstatic. A surprise for me? What could it be? Now, let me tell you, not all surprises are good things. This was no exception. After a moment of quick primping I ran off to meet him. I hardly noticed Strife leaving as I got there and Apollo was no where to be seen. That along with Hermes' message being 'indirect' should have been at least clue number two. Off to my right, there was a soft rustling in some bushes followed by a woman's laughter. The laugh sounded firmiliar so I decided to investigate. A woman's dress was draped over a bush. Aw, I thought, mortals making love lakeside. There has always been a small voyeur inside of me so, knowing as little as I did of the act, I took it upon myself to catch a glimpse.

A surprise waiting indeed. In an instant my heart sank. There, totally oblivious to my presence was the Goddess of the Rainbow, Iris, lying on her back naked while Apollo ravished her. My world came to a crashing halt. A ton of bricks fell upon me from above. I was suddenly numb. I felt nothing. Saying nothing I stepped away and returned to mom's to think.

I knew then that Strife was the one to send the message. I wasn't sure though if I was thankful or angry with him. I should have listened to him in the first place. I said nothing, I planned to attend the evening's affairs as usual and bring up the evidence with the guilty party.

~~~

I put on my best smile that evening, but I couldn't hide that something was bothering me. I pulled away from his incessant kisses and spent more time with the others. I was waiting for the right moment. The second Aria and Strife arrived she bound across the room to me. "Harmonia! I have great news." I smiled lightly. I was hardly in the mood for one of her anti-virginity quests. "I did it, we did it."

I looked to the door, where Strife stood, with disbelief. Ton of bricks number two. I should have been happy for her, honestly I should have, but I wasn't. Something was holding me back, and suddenly I felt like I needed to cry. "Congrats." I lied and politely pulled away to a back room. I sighed and flopped back on Apollo's bed. What was going on with me? This was becoming the day from hell. I didn't yet know that it would only get worse from here.

"What's the matter with you tonight?" Golden boy himself walked in and shut the door behind him.

"Nothing." I lied. "Just having a bad day."

"Well perhaps I can cheer you up." He was obviously in the mood for a second piece for the day.

"Cut it out." I whined as he kissed down my neck. I didn't want his lips touching me after what I saw.

He looked up with that daring smile of his, "You'll like it, I promise." He pushed me back so that I was lying down.

"No." I feebly tried to get away.

Apollo forced my legs apart. "Come on, Harm, give me a break."

"I think I've given you enough already. You have other entertainment.

"No," he pinned me so that I couldn't get away. "You are all I want."

"For now," I challenged. "But tomorrow you'll be sticking Iris again."

His face suddenly grew cold. I had caught him. "Who told you?"

"No one. I saw it for myself." I tried to shove him away. "Now get off of me."

"I don't think so. You see," He drew my skirt up and I could feel the bulge in his pants hard against me. I began to panic. "I always get what I want. I don't care whether you cooperate or not."

"Stop!" I was terrified. There was a look in his eye I had never seen in anyone, man or god. I suddenly realized that I was in over my head. I needed help and there was no one to help me. So I did the only thing I could do at that point. Scream.

That actually turned out to be a wise decision because the door flew open and Strife flew in eyes a blaze. "Get off of her." He growled. Then the punches started to fly. I don't know who hit whom first but I know who came to the rescue yet again for me.

"She is mine." Apollo spat to him. A crowd began to gather.

I was hurting emotionally and physically and I just wanted to leave. "Come on." I grabbed Strife's arm.

"Where do you think you are going?"

I gathered myself for a moment and made the public declaration. "It is so over." Then I turned and headed for the door. Strife followed.

"Don't you walk out of here." Apollo threatened. "You're finished! I made you, Harmonia. I'll break you just the same. By tomorrow no one will know who you are." I didn't care. I just needed to leave.

I was still confused over everything. Outside the tears I had held in all day forced their way through and began to fall. Strife tried to console me but I shoved him away. "What's wrong with you?" I screamed. "Why are you so nice to me. After the way I treated you." Then I ran again.

Leaving him standing there all alone.

~~~~~~~~~

[Part 2]